- "Nutritionists Reveal Humans With Proper Diet
"Should Not Be Defecating."
(laughs) What?
I know we're facing scary times right now
but I thought it's time for us
to let it loose for a little bit
and have a little fun.
And instead of reacting to our usual memes,
I decided to react to some
of the headlines and articles from The Onion.
For those of you who don't know,
The Onion is a satirical newspaper,
none of their headlines or articles are true.
So I hope to get a good laugh,
don't get offended, it's comedy,
we're here to have a good time.
You ready? Beep!
"Excited Patient Points Out Organ He Wants
"From Kidney Tank In Hospital Lobby."
I don't need to read the article (laughs)
look at the little kidney floating.
"Badass Surgeon Puts On
"Fingerless Latex Gloves Before Operating."
The dirtiest, meaning the most infectious
full of bacteria and viruses
part of your hand are the fingertips.
"Dr. Scholl's Introduces New Freeze-Away Toe Remover."
Oh, I have this thing.
I've actually used it 'cause I had a, wait.
It got me.
Chicago foot-care brand Dr. Scholl's unveiled its
Freeze-Away Toe Remover Thursday,
an over-the-counter treatment that combines freeze therapy
with fast-acting liquid to loosen
and ultimately expel unsightly toes.
Not gonna lie,
my toes are looking rather rough during this pandemic.
The struggle is real.
I'm self-pedicuring.
I'm not good at it.
The real product that The Onion is doing
a witty satire of is actually
a freeze away treatment for plantar warts.
If this specific treatment thingy
doesn't work for you at home,
we have one where we do this cryotherapy in our offices.
I wonder if anyone like clicked on this
and they're like ooh, that toe was getting in the way.
"Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company's Success
"Is Not Paying For Customers' Medical Care."
Just the other day I had a patient,
I prescribed them a medicine for a common antibiotic,
send it into the pharmacy,
pharmacy says insurance not paying for it.
I'm like what, it's like one of the most common antibiotics.
Get on the phone,
spend half an hour arguing with the insurance company
and what did they tell me?
Oh it's 'cause you ordered capsule version not the tablets.
If you'd just order the tablets it would have been fine.
You owe me half hour of my life back.
"Tips For Finding The Right Doctor."
(laughs)
Just by the photo, I'm already excited for this tip.
Ask yourself what your personal goals are
when you see a doctor.
Do you want to live, or die?
Do you want to prevent illnesses, or contract them?
The goal is to live and the goal is to have
the least amount of illness possible.
Doctors can provide better care when they treat
your whole family, so try to get
the same primary care physician
for your spouse, children, and pets.
(laughs) I was gonna say this is a good one
and then they threw in pets.
A skilled physician should be able to detect
any potential health problems,
so never tip them off by revealing any of your symptoms.
No!
We need your help.
The history is probably the most important part of the exam
with the physical being the second most important.
I guess it depends on the illness I'm trying to diagnose.
Ask them straight up
if they've ever killed a patient on purpose.
Hey Doc, you ever did that to a patient?
Tell your doctor your fidney hurts.
A good one will know that that's not real organ.
(laughs)
A good one will know what you mean.
No, no, no, a good one will know to ask
what you meant without sounding judgmental.
Other patients can be your best allies
when it comes to finding the right doctor.
Agreed.
Ask friends and coworkers if you can sit in
on their physical to get a feel
for what their doctor's like.
HIPAA. (siren buzzing)
HIPAA.
Make sure they have kind eyes
that crinkle at the corners when they smile.
Aw, does your doctor have crow's feet?
That means they care.
Many health care professionals are increasingly rigid
when it comes to prescribing medications.
Remind your doctor that with a couple of bad online reviews,
you can bring it all crumbling down.
Man this is so true.
People that run their own businesses,
they're between a rock and a hard place.
If a patient comes in requesting a specific treatment
or a specific test and the doctor doesn't think
it's in the patient's best interest
but the patient threatens them with a bad review,
what are you left to do?
And you know what the worst part is?
Let's say the patient leaves a fraudulent negative review,
says the doctor did so and so
and the doctor knows it's untrue,
they can't go on and say that because of HIPPA.
(alarm buzzes)
Patient privacy.
Above all, don't put to much pressure on yourself,
you'll meet the right doctor when you're ready.
(laughs)
It sounds like a dating line.
No, in all seriousness it's really important
to find the right doctor because if you have a healthy
doctor-patient relationship,
you're more likely to have better health outcomes.
And if the first one isn't right,
always look for a second opinion.
"I'm In Witness Protection- I Mean, Doctor,
"I Work At Doctor,' Says New Neighbor."
What?
"I'm In Witness Protection- I Mean, Doctor,
"I Work At Doctor,' Says New Neighbor."
Anybody?
- [Narrator] 12 seconds later.
- [Crewman] So he's covering up--
- Oh, got it, okay.
- [Crewman] That was just (mumbles).
- I need to do better.
"Grandfathers Accidentally Switched at Hospital".
(laughs)
In yet another disturbing case of hospital negligence,
two elderly grandfathers were accidentally switched
at the Cedar-Mount Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles
and sent home with the wrong families.
I think this is poking fun at the fact that
back in the day people may have taken the wrong babies home.
But nowadays, we have a lot of security around
taking the right baby home.
Moms and dads get security bracelets that if the baby's
approaching one of the exit doors
they won't open unless the father or mother
have also their security bracelets on.
So no one's taking the wrong baby home,
nor are they stealing one.
But the elderly, that's funny.
"Russell Westbrook Quietly Asks Rockets Team Doctor
"If He Needs To Make Free Throw To Pass Physical."
Why?
Is he so bad at free throws?
He's like 70%.
- [Crewman] 62.
- That's pretty bad.
"Nutritionists Reveal Humans With Proper Diet
"Should Not Be Defecating."
(laughs) What?
Pooping is great.
Urinating, great.
Are there unhealthy poops?
Yes.
Are there unhealthy urines, urinations?
Yes, but that's a question for your doctor.
You know what I'm worried about?
An article like this gaining traction
on like an Alex Jones podcast
and then people being like
oh man, and here I have been for 45 years
pooping my whole life.
What have I been eating?
"Doctor Asks Patient If He Would Mind
"Having Medical Student,
"Some Of His Poker Buddies In Room For Exam."
(laughs)
If you've never had this happen to you,
before I bring in a medical student
or a resident with me when I see a patient
I always ask for permission, it's the right thing to do,
it's the polite thing to do
and actually I think there's rules for it now.
How funny would it be if your doctor walks in
and is like can I have a medical student?
And you're like sure.
And you're like, what about some poker buddies?
And the people that they put in, the guy with the glasses.
So I used to play poker semi-professionally
back in the day when there was Full Tilt, Ultimate Bet,
Absolute Poker, Poker Stars, all those good times.
I don't understand why people, when they play live poker,
they wear dark, reflective glasses.
It's like they want you to see their cards.
"U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter."
You know there's like something that happens internationally
where they actually make fun of Americans
for having too white teeth.
They actually make it a joke to say
oh you Americans with your white teeth.
I do think that we do go overboard
when people do veneers and stuff,
they bleach their teeth white like porcelain.
But sometimes it's too white,
like it looks artificial.
I will say that if you over bleach your teeth,
it will make your teeth sensitive and it will hurt
so please be careful.
This has happened to my friends,
it's happened to myself when I was younger,
made the mistake, not happening again.
"Exhausted Doctor To Wake Up Early,
"Finish Surgery in Morning."
Just moments after successfully stopping
his patient's heart at 10:30 p.m. Tuesday,
bleary-eyed surgeon Dr. Dennis Kelly
called it a night and decided to finish performing
quadruple by pass surgery
on Harold Cruz, 67, in the morning.
"Honestly, all these organs
are looking the same to me right now," said Kelly.
This is actually a legit struggle.
Some surgeries go on for hours.
Pretty much the entire day.
That is why we have teams of surgeons
and surgical residents that help out in specific operations.
In addition to that,
we always have a backup surgeon on call
in case the surgeon starts feeling unwell, gets sleepy.
"ER Doctor Excitedly Tells Wife He Got To Use
"Shock Paddle Thing Today."
(laughs)
I love the picture of the doctor.
"I've been wanting to play with those thingies
"since my first day, and I finally got to!
"I put them on the guy's chest, yelled 'Clear!'
"and they went bzzz just like they do on TV!"
It's called a defibrillator.
We have to start the segment this way.
Chest compressions, chest compressions, chest compressions.
You don't run for the defibrillator until you start
doing chest compressions first,
after of course you call for help.
But you can call for help
while you're doing chest compressions.
The reason we do chest compressions
is 'cause you need to buy time for the defibrillator
to get there, to turn it on, to make sure it's working,
all that good stuff.
"Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier."
(laughs)
I love that as it sounds.
That's a giant plate of food.
It looks healthy, but there's a lot of it.
This has been a real wake-up call for me,
so from now on, I'm sticking to eating only nutritious,
low-fat foods well past the point of being full.
It's not how it works.
If you enjoyed this video,
I know you're gonna enjoy my medical meme review series,
click here for that playlist.
Or if you wanna see me argue with Dr. House, M.D.,
click here for that one.
Which one are you gonna click
while you stay happy and healthy?
(upbeat music)