The toilets still work, our captain isn't a drunk Italian, and there isn't an iceberg
in site!
So far, this cruise is going gr--- // Attention passengers: Tonight's film screening of "Going
Overboard" will begin in 10 minutes on the sun deck."
// Oh no...
I take that back, this won't be a good cruise after all, but this is Movie Night!
Hello and welcome to Movie Night.
Your #1 source for film reviews about bad cruise-ship movies.
I'm your host, Jonathan Paula.
Presently, I'm somewhere in the Caribbean ocean enjoying a cruise with my family...
and since I had to record this particular episode a week early, I thought we'd focus
on something relevant, like cruise-ship related films, so let's begin with "Going Overboard."
Released in May of 1989, this $200,000 comedy farce is really only notable for being the
first feature film to star future A-list funny man, Adam Sandler.
But before he matured, or was even cast as a player in Saturday Night Live, he starred
as a struggling comic onboard a cruise.
After his recent string of uninspired, unfunny cash-grabs, it's easy to forget Sandler was
once a hilarious comic with some truly great material...
sadly however, we get almost none of that in this sorry excuse for a film.
Instead, he puts on stupid voices, mugs for the camera, and generally acts like an incompetent
goof for the majority of the 97 minute film.
The supporting cast includes Tom Hodges, Scott LaRose, Billy Zane, and Billy Bob Thorton
- none of whom are the slightest bit memorable.
The story plods along to the incessant sounds of a steal drum calypso, bland jazz, and cheap
Muzak, also the actual presentation style is curious and inconsistent.
Sandler himself breaks the fourth wall to introduce us to the story, immediately apologizing
for its "no budget", and then he's shelping the viewer around boat like we're watching
his personal vlog.
But other sequences are conventionally shot, and edited for some reason - I hesitate to
guess what director Valerie Breiman was possibly thinking.
The lethargic and pointless narrative is worsened
by constantly cutting away to Miss Universal confessionals, ridiculous dream sequences,
and Burt Young as General Noriega who is actually watching the film itself on VHS, who defends
his honor by shouting at the TV, "We'll see who gets the last laugh, you left over worthless
kangaroo vomit!"
Besides being awfully paced, the R-rated movie is really quite uncomfortable and awkward...
every scene plays out three times longer than it needs to, almost as if they were deliberately
padded so the picture could qualify for "feature length".
With unrealistic dialogue, and empty characters - this film is devoid of conflict and tension,
making it at true struggle to actually sit through.
It's no surprise this film presently sits in IMDb's bottom-10 rated movies of all time...
it is just so painfully boring, I regretted watching literally every scene.
"Going Overboard" is a "Terrible.
Not even enjoyable ironically."
My score on the rate-o-matic... a big fat ONE.
With no redeeming qualities and nary a single laugh whatsoever, it's a wonder Sandler actually
managed to have a successful career after piece of GARBAGE.
Anyway, time for tonight's poll question: What's your ideal cruise destination?
Leave your response as a comment below.
Next up tonight, "Speed 2: Cruise Control".
This extremely ill-advised follow-up to the smash action hit from three years earlier
somehow managed to earn over $50 million in profit when it was released in June of 1997.
The PG-13 action thriller stars Sandra Bullock and Jason Patric as couple taking a Caribbean
vacation aboard a luxury ocean liner when it's hijacked by the nefarious Willem Dafoe.
Although future Oscar winner Bullock is beautiful, festive, and decently relatable in the lead...
even her participation here was obviously a giant misstep, remarking on her being stuck
in another violent situation, "I swear I am never leaving the house again."
Patric meanwhile is hokey and uncomfortable every time he's on camera... and is perhaps
the least convincing action star in film history, delivering his lines with as much charisma
as a wet cardboard box.
Dafoe is amusing as the scenery-chewing villain, but for all the wrong reasons... the deranged
software designer decides to sabotage the very ship riding on for poorly explained,
unbelievable reasons.
Whereas the original picture was a literal non-stop thrill ride, most of this 121-minute
picture takes place on one of the slowest forms of transportation: a leisure cruise...
eliciting absolutely zero excitement in the process.
Although the script, originally intended to be third "Die Hard" picture was seemingly
re-tailored with Keanu Reeves in mind, he was fortunately smart enough to avoid this
terrible project, which stumbles from one ridiculous scene to the next.
Everything is far more contrived and goofier too... but the forced humor is never once
funny.
Let's be honest...
it takes a considerable amount of effort to make a film about hijackings, murder, explosions,
and bombs boring, but the usually competent director Jan de Bont somehow found a way to
do just that.
One of the few sequences that works, and actually delivers some tense moments comes when an
alarm is triggered, and the troupes of stereotype passengers are forced to flee the boat.
Mark Mancina's mostly reggae score is pretty hammy, and often distracting.
However, the visual effects by Industrial Light and Magic are top-notch, bringing to
life many of the larger, more impressive action sequences.
Although it lasts way too damn long, becoming almost a parody of itself, the final climatic
sequence, which sees the cruise ship crashing into a Saint Martin harbor is nothing short
of epic.
Eating up nearly 25% of the film's $110 million dollar budget this climax would set records
as the single most expensive stunt ever photographed.
But cutting away to the ship's second officer counting down the ship's slowing speed...
literally ten separate times is a complete joke.
Bullock and Dafoe are also completely absent from the final third of the movie... only
reentering the narrative a full 30-minutes later, when it's convenient to the story.
We're lucky the movie was a critical shipwreck, otherwise we might have been subjected to
Speed 3: Escalator Escape.
The 1994 original is one of my favorite action movies, that I purchased on VHS and DVD, re-watching
it often.
This sequel is a regrettable mistake I hope I never have to watch again.
"Speed 2: Cruise Control", "Tensionless drivel, despite fun action."
My rating... a TWO.
Falling extremely far from the proverbial tree, this may very well be one of the most
disappointing and poorly conceived theatrical sequels ever produced.
While the final crash sequence is certainly worth checking out, the rest of this movie
isn't, and I thought it was BAD.
And please subscribe to the Movie Night Archive channel for exclusive trailer commentaries,
and an organized library of all our past reviews.
This $20 million dollar rom-com was released stateside on March 21, 2003, and no surprise
here, completely failed to make back a profit.
Horatio Sanz and Oscar winner Cuba-Gooding Jr. star as two dimwitted hopeless romantics
who endeavor to pick up chicks on a singles cruise, but in their infinite stupidity manage
to get booked on a trip for homosexual men.
These two guys are likeable enough, and thankfully more oblivious than hateful towards their
new group of gay friends, and a majority of their performance issues can likely be attributed
to the poor script writing.
As Sanz deals with his irrational homophobia, Gooding falls in love with Roselyn Sanchez
- the ship's female dance instructor - who, of course, assumes he's gay.
What happens from there is nothing but one hackneyed, and bigoted joke after another,
as our heroes struggle to make sense of their situation while constantly being hit on by
an elderly Roger Moore, playing a flamboyantly gay British passenger... in a role that will
totally have you rethink everything you thought you knew about James Bond.
Honestly, hearing him flirtatiously ask during breakfast, "Would you like a bite of my sausage?"
is worth the price of admission alone.
Depending on how dated your sense of humor is, a scene where Gooding nervously attempts
to illustrate his favorite oral sex techniques on a banana will either make you laugh, or
roll your eyes.
The writing struggles to maintain any sense of purpose, wandering between intolerant nonsense
and unoriginal love-plot.
Occasionally though, the experience does deliver a few laughs, notably from Sanz's loud and
boisterous delivery, and Bob Gunton as the ship's captain.
Leisurely paced, the whimsical score by Robert Folk doesn't help matters much either, and
instead the movies plays out like a bad, 95 minute sitcom.
Director Mort Nathan contributes nothing to the PG-13 rated picture beyond the basic shot
compositions and visual styles - but at least there's rarely any technical missteps.
The 94-minute picture is innocent fun, if occasionally offensive and trite - nothing
I'd be interested in watching again, but it's honestly not that bad.
"Boat Trip", "Uninspired amusement that's borderline intolerant."
And, I'll give this a THREE for my final rating.
While there's never anything outright bad, boring, or cringe-worthy with tihs picture,
it rarely does anything right either.
It just sort of floats there like one long, homophobic joke.
I thought it was LAME.
Finally tonight, let's take a look at some of your Tweet Critiques.
If you see a new movie in theaters, Tweet your review with the #JPMN hashtag.
Next week, when I'm back on dry land, we'll take another look at some summer action films
we missed earlier this year, "The Lone Ranger" starring Johnny Depp, "World War Z" with Brad
Pitt", and "2 Guns" with Denzel Washington and Mark Walberg".
Once you've seen these films, share your opinions by voting in the polls below, or by leaving
a comment review.
If you'd like to watch more episodes of Movie Night, check out the "related videos" on my
right, or click SUBSCRIBE to be notified of all new content, and be sure to follow me
on Twitter or Facebook for updates between episodes.
Once again, my name is Jonathan Paula, thank you for watching and listening.
Until next time, have a good Movie Night!