-The holidays are upon us.
We're all about to get busy with Christmas shopping,
family gatherings.
It's time for all of us to leave work behind for a while
and focus on what matters most, and that includes my writers.
They write hundreds -- hundreds of jokes every day
just to get to the 10 or 12 we use in the monologue.
And, honestly, a lot of those jokes
that they write just aren't good.
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes I think they just throw in a few stinkers
every day just to fill the page and meet the assignment.
But just because the holidays are here
doesn't mean we can tolerate laziness,
which means it's time for another surprise inspection.
♪♪
All right. So, here's how this works.
I'm gonna read some actual jokes
that were really submitted by my writers.
They, like, turned them in with their names on it.
[ Laughter ]
They are unusable for the show.
Some are dumb. Some are offensive.
Some are confusing.
Most importantly, the writers don't know we're doing this,
and because a lot of them don't watch the show,
they'll never know.
[ Laughter ]
So let's get started.
A deer recently entered a New York nursing home.
Oh! So Nana wasn't alone on her birthday.
[ Laughter ]
So that's Mike Scollins, one of our writers.
A story about a deer entering a nursing home,
and his take was that, the funny thing would be
that would be good news for anyone who forgot to visit
their nana on her birthday.
And what he thought would happen is, people like you would laugh.
[ Laughter ]
Yesterday was National Pay Back Your Parents Day.
"Way ahead of you," said Eric and Lyle.
[ Laughter, audience "oohs" ]
Kind of makes you miss the nana one, right?
[ Laughter ]
A section of highway in Kentucky was closed recently
after a load of chicken parts,
including feet, liver, intestines, and gizzards,
spilled across the road.
Said onlookers, "Why?!
Why did the chicken cross the road?!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah, but -- [ Applause ]
But would it have worked if it wasn't right after
a Menendez brothers joke?
[ Laughter ]
Diplomats from nearly 200 nations agreed yesterday
to establish a fund to help developing countries
deal with climate-change disasters.
Said Tuvalu...
So, uh -- "Too-va-loo."
I think that's how you say it. That is an island nation.
So that was what Brian -- That's Brian.
[ Laughter ]
Brian thought you would see a thumbs-up,
and you would hear Tuvalu,
a country that we all talk about...
[ Laughter ]
...and you would immediately -- your head would go,
"Oh, it's an island nation, so that's..."
Passed up things like the Faroe Islands,
which has island in it, which would've helped the joke.
[ Laughter ]
He's like, "I'm doubling down on Tuvalu."
[ Laughter ]
President Biden and First Lady Dr. Jill Biden
left the White House today to spend Thanksgiving
in Nantucket.
Their holiday weekend is so long, you can suck it.
[ Laughter ]
It's a good Thanksgiving joke.
[ Laughter ]
An Illinois couple recently got married
in the aisle of an Aldi grocery store.
Said their lawyer, "Prenup on aisle 6!"
[ Laughter ]
'Cause "prenup" rhymes with "cleanup."
[ Laughter ]
That's what Brian was counting on.
[ Laughter ]
We should book him a ticket to one of those islands.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, guess what -- there's another joke
that happened in Aldi.
Bran of fro-- A bran-- oh, boy.
A brand of frozen falafels sold at the grocery-store chain
Aldi was recently recalled after an E. coli outbreak.
Luckily, it only affected a tahini number of people.
[ Laughter ]
That's -- Matt wrote that joke, and, uh...
[ Scattered applause ] 'Cause he was like --
[ Laughter ]
That was so quiet, I thought like
four pigeons were flying away.
[ Laughter ]
That was such a weird center --
It was like a weird group of five people were like, "No!"
[ Laughter ]
"No, I do think 'tahini' sounds enough like 'tiny.'"
[ Laughter ]
A police department in Lake County, Ohio,
received complaints from residents this week
after they dressed up their unit's horses
in white sheets that look similar to the Ku Klux Klan.
Even worse, the horses are members of the "Oat" Keepers.
[ Laughter and groans ]
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, that one -- I think they've never gone that bad.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, I have terrible news.
Your beloved Brian wrote that joke.
[ Laughter ]
I guess that's true. What if we --
"Oh! 'Oat' Keepers! Like Oath Keepers."
Nobody thinks of the Oath Keepers and is like,
"Ha ha ha!"
[ Laughter ]
All right, you guys. I don't even know...
I've read this one so many times today.
This maybe is the densest -- Is it --
Arguably one of the densest jokes we ever had.
It requires a really intensely granular knowledge
of the television show "Frasier."
[ Laughter ]
How many of you feel like you're still on board with it?
[ Moderate applause ]
So we're going in. We've already lost 80%.
[ Laughter ]
Just so if you're watching at home,
like, scale your expectations.
80% of the audience is [bleep] out.
[ Laughter ]
New York Yankees star Aaron Judge hit his
61st home run of the season last night
and tied the American League record
set by Roger Maris in 1961.
Sorry, Aaron, but the only person
who can truly wipe Maris from history
is a bewitching physical therapist
named Daphne Moon.
[ Moderate laughter ]
So, Niles, on "Frasier," his ex-wife's name was Maris,
but he loved Daphne Moon,
to the point that she wiped Maris from history.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Would've been so much --
I don't know why anybody joined that first person
who was clapping. [ Laughter ]
Whoever started clapping, I want you to clap again.
Nobody join.
[ Clapping ]
[ Laughter ]
Did you hear that, Matt?
[ Laughter ]
Yesterday was National Child's Day.
"Well, maybe just one," said R. Kelly.
Happy Thanksgiving! [ Audience groans ]
This has been "Surprise Inspection"!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]