>> WHAT A -- OH MY GOD!
OH.
OH MY GOD!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OH, YOU’RE LIKE A RASH TAKING
OVER MY BODY.
[LAUGHTER]
A GOOD RASH.
HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYBODY.
IT’S FRIDAY SO YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS.
FIRST, LET’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S
GUESTS.
UNLIKE CATHY HOCHUL, HE’S
ACTUALLY QUALIFIED TO BE
GOVERNOR.
FORMER NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN LEE
ZELEN.
SHE’LL BLESS YOUR HEART AND TEAR
YOUR DEARIES APART.
COHOST OF THE BOTTOM LINE ON FOX
BUSINESS KAGAN MCDOWELL.
HE LOOKS LIKE YOUR FAVORITE
APPLEBEE’S MANAGER.
COHOST OF FOX & FRIENDS FIRST,
TODD CAIRO.
AND FINALLY, LIKE A FLASH FLOOD,
SHE SHOWS UP WHERE SHE’S NOT
WANTED AND CAUSES A LOT OF
DAMAGE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR
KAT TIMPF.
YES.
THOSE JALAPENO POPPERS WERE
COLD, TODD.
>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
>> Greg: BEFORE WE GET TO NEWS
STORIES, IT’S FRIDAY, SO LET’S
DO THIS.
>> GREG’S LEFTOVERS.
>> Greg: IT’S LEFTOVERS WHERE
I READ THE JOKES WE DIDN’T USE
THIS WEEK AND AS ALWAYS, IT’S MY
FIRST TIME READING THEM SO IF
THEY SUCK, WE’LL TAKE ONE OF THE
WRITERS OUT, STRIP HIM NAKED AND
SET HIM ON FIRE.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.
THIS WEEK IN NEW JERSEY, MORE
THAN 500 POUNDS OF PASTA WAS
FOUND MYSTERIOUSLY DUMPED IN THE
WOODS.
IN RESPONSE, ONE ENRAGED
RESIDENT IS VOWING REVENGE.
[LAUGHTER]
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, CBS WAS
SUPPOSEDLY LOSING MILLIONS ON
JAMES CORDEN’S LATE NIGHT SHOW
AND THAT WAS JUST ON CATERING.
[LAUGHTER]
THE LESBIAN DATING APP HER TOLD
FEMALES WHO OBJECT TO DATING
TRANS WOMEN TO DELETE THEIR
ACCOUNTS AND GO BACK TO MEETING
OTHER LESBIANS THE OLD-FASHIONED
WAY WHILE SHOPPING AT HOME
DEPOT.
[LAUGHTER]
AT LEAST YOU’LL KNOW WHAT
EQUIPMENT YOU’RE GETTING.
YEAH.
THAT CAME FROM HERE.
A MAN WITH A SELF-PROCLAIMED
MICRO PENIS IS GOING VIRAL AFTER
REVEALING HOW HE BREAKS THE NEWS
TO POTENTIAL SEX PARTNERS.
THE MAN ADDED, "IT COULD BE
WORSE.
IT COULD BE MICRO SOFT."
[APPLAUSE]
>> I WAS JUST BRACING FOR THE
CAMERA TO CUT AWAY TO ME.
>> Greg: I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO TAKE A SHOT OF TODD.
>> I THOUGHT HE WAS COMING.
>> Greg: NEW YORK CITY POLICE
NABBED A SMUGGLER WITH 300,000
METHANOL-LACED PILLS STASHED IN
THE FUEL TANK OF HIS SUV.
COPS SAY THE DRUGS HAD A STREET
VALUE OF NEARLY A FULL TANK OF
GAS.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS WEEK, THE SURGEON GENERAL
DECLARED LONELINESS AND
ISOLATION AS AMERICA’S NEWEST
EPIDEMIC WHICH IS WHY WE INVITED
TODD ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
>> TWO STORIES EARLIER.
I KNEW IT WAS COMING.
>> Greg: YEAH.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
FUNNY MAN JOHN WAS PREVIOUSLY
OFFERED THE HOSTING SLOT ON THE
DAILY SHOW BUT DECIDED, INSTEAD,
TO STICK WITH COMEDY.
[LAUGHTER]
UBER HAS PUBLISHED IT’S ANNUAL
LOST AND FOUND LIST AND IT
INCLUDES ITEMS LIKE A
LIGHTSABER, FOG MACHINE, PETS,
FAKE BLOOD AND TEETH.
THAT WAS JUST FROM ONE RIDE WITH
DANA PERINO.
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S UP TO
AFTER THE SHOWS.
NOTHING GOOD.
A FEDERAL JURY RULED THIS WEEK
ED SHEERAN DIDN’T COPY PARTS OF
A MARVIN GAYE SONG, HOWEVER,
THEY DID RECOMMEND A LIFE
SENTENCE FOR ED’S BARBER.
THAT’S PRETTY BAD.
AND FINALLY, LAST SATURDAY,
PRESIDENT BIDEN SPOKE AT THE
ANNUAL WHITE HOUSE
CORRESPONDENTS DINNER.
HE HAD A GREAT TIME AND ENJOYED
TALKING TO FORMER PRESIDENT’S
NIXON AND REAGAN.
[APPLAUSE]
LAME.
COULD HAVE BEEN FUNNIER.
ALL RIGHT.
DID THE DEEP STATE HELP JOE
BIDEN’S FATE?
IT’S TRUE THEY SIGNED A BOGUS
LETTER TO ELECTED PANTS WETTER.
NEWLY-RELEASED E-MAILS SHOW
FORMER ACTING CIA DIRECTOR
MICHAEL MORRELL HAD ULTERIOR
MOTIVES WHEN HE WROTE THE 2020 LETTER DISCREDITED BIDEN’S
LETTER DISCREDITED BIDEN’S
LAPTOP -- HUNTER’S LAPTOP.
SO, YOU KNOW THE LETTER.
IT WAS SIGNED BY 51 FORMER INTEL
OFFICIALS CLAIMING THE LAPTOP
WAS RUSSIAN DISINFO, A CLAIM AS
CREDIBLE AS A PRIUS WINNING THE
INDIANAPOLIS 500.
IT’S THE BIGGEST LIE SINCE IF
YOU LIKE YOUR DOCTOR YOU CAN
KEEP YOUR DOCTOR WHICH I TOLD MY
STAFF BEFORE ELIMINATING THEIR
HEALTH PLAN.
MORRELL ADMITTED DRAFTING THE
HOAX AS A TALKING POINT FOR JOE
TO USE IN THE DEBATE WITH
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
TRUE, JOE NEEDED ALL THE HELP HE
CAN GET WITH HIS TALKING POINTS.
MOST OF THE TIME, HE CAN’T TALK
OR POINT.
HELL, HE NEEDS HELP WITH HIS
WALKING POINTS.
MORRELL URGED CIA BOSS JOHN
BRENNAN TO SIGN THE LETTER AND
ADMITTED HE WAS DELIBERATELY
TRYING TO HELP BEHIND’S 2020
CAMPAIGN.
BRENNAN IMMEDIATELY REPORTED THE
CORRUPTION TO THE AMERICAN
PUBLIC.
NO, HE DIDN’T.
JUST KIDDING.
HE SAID, "ADD MY NAME TO THE
LIST.
GOOD INITIATIVE AND THANKS FOR
ASKING ME TO SIGN."
I BET HE BLAMES RUSSIA WHEN HE
FORGETS HIS ANNIVERSARY.
SO SOME OF THE HIGHEST-RANKING
INTEL OFFICIALS WITH OBVIOUS
POLITICAL MOTIVATIONS TEAMED UP
TO HELP KNOCK THE GUY THEY
DIDN’T LIKE OUT OF THE WHITE
HOUSE.
IT WAS BASICALLY A SILENT COUP
BY THE DEEP STATE, A SWAMP DEEP
ENOUGH TO HOLD TED KENNEDY’S CAR
CAR.
TOO SOON?
AND WHILE 51 OFFICIALS PLAYED
ALONG, SOME DIDN’T.
IN FACT, THE CIA’S FORMER MOSCOW
STATION CHIEF DANIEL HOFFMAN
REFUSED TO SIGN IT BECAUSE THERE
WAS NO EVIDENCE OF RUSSIAN
INVOLVEMENT.
YOU KNOW, HE’S JUST THE FORMER
MOSCOW STATION CHIEF.
WHAT THE HELL DOES HE KNOW?
THEY SHOULD HAVE ASKED AOC.
BACK IN THE DAY, SHE USED TO
KNOW HOW TO POUR A DECENT WHITE
RUSSIAN.
I WONDER WHAT JOE THINKS?
>> NO.
NO.
NO, LOOK -- LOOK -- I -- THEY
DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO TELL ME
ABOUT THAT.
BEFORE THE DEBATE, I KNEW WHAT
TO DO.
YOU RUN INTO -- UM, TROUBLE YOU,
JUST -- YOU BLAME IT ON THE
RUSSIANS.
THAT’S WHAT YOU DO.
I KNEW THAT.
BUT THEY -- THEY -- THEY WERE
LOOKING OUT FOR ME, MY BUDDIES
AT THE FBI AND CIA.
THERE’S NO HARM.
NO FOUL.
THAT’S HOW I DO IT.
I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM
MY FRIENDS.
I GET HIGH WITH A LITTLE HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS.
I’M GOING TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS.
FROM MY FRIENDS.
♪ DO YOU NEED ANYBODY ♪
[APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: WELCOME BACK TO THE
SHOW.
I STILL WISH YOU WEREN’T HERE
AND GOVERNOR BUT WHAT CAN WE DO?
WHO WAS PRESIDENT AT THE TIME?
TRUMP.
WHO DEVELOPED THIS DEEP STATE?
WHY?
TO GET RID OF TRUMP.
HOW IS THIS NOT CONSIDERED LIKE
A SOFT COUP?
>> EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.
FIRST RED FLAG, JOHN BRENNAN
SIGNS IT.
>> Greg: YES.
>> I REMEMBER WHEN SOMETHING
WOULD GET BIND FORMER CIA
OFFICIALS AND WE SAID, WELL,
THIS HAS TO BE TRUE.
>> Greg: YEAH.
>> BUT THERE’S NO WAY THEY WOULD
GO ALONG WITH IT BECAUSE THEY’RE
NOT POLITICAL.
THEY WOULD WANT TO PROTECT THE
INSTITUTION AS BEING BIGGER THAN
POLITICS.
SO MANY DIFFERENT INSTITUTIONS
WE SEE ARE BEING ERODED BY THE
LEFT.
WE CAN TALK EDUCATION.
WE CAN TALK ABOUT THE CRIMINAL
JUSTICE SYSTEM BUT WE SEE IT
INSIDE THE INTELLIGENCE
COMMUNITY AND NOW WHEN PEOPLE
SEE IN THE FUTURE SOMETHING
SIGNED BY 51 FORMER INTELLIGENCE
OFFICERS, YOU NO LONGER COULD
SAY, WELL, THIS HAS TO BE TRUE.
I’M A FORMER INTELLIGENCE
OFFICER.
WHEN I SIGNED UP TO BE AN
INTELLIGENCE OFFICER IT FOR OUR
COUNTRY.
IT WAS TO PROTECT OUR NATIONAL
SECURITY.
IT WAS LOVE OF OUR NATION AND
OUR FREEDOM AND, UNFORTUNATELY,
THEY’RE ERODING WHAT WE LOVE.
>> YEAH, IT’S TRUE.
LIKE, YOU KNOW, IF YOU’RE GOING
TO SIGN SOMETHING, SIGN A
PETITION TO GET HOMELAND BACK ON
SHOWTIME.
>> THAT SHOW WAS TERRIBLE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT’S THE SAME -- --
>> Greg: IT WAS A GREAT SHOW.
>> NO, IT WASN’T.
>> HOMELAND WAS A GREAT SHOW!
>> Greg: THE FIRST SEASON WAS
AMAZING.
>> THEN THEY KILLED BRODY AND IT
WAS ALL DOWN HILL FROM THERE.
>> THAT’S TRUE.
>> OUR INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS
ARE ABOUT AS CRAZY AND STUPID AS
THE PEOPLE ON "HOMELAND."
THAT’S WHAT BOTHERS ME ABOUT
THIS IS THE COMPLETE LACK OF
COMMON SENSE AMONG THESE INTEL
OFFICIALS.
HUNTER BIDEN, THERE WERE PHOTOS
IN THE ORIGINAL REPORT, YOU
KNOW, THE CIGARETTE --
>> Greg: YEAH.
YEAH.
>> ALL RIGHT.
HUNTER BIDEN A CRACK-HUFFING,
CORRUPT, OILY, REPROBATE WHO HAD
TO GET A BRAND-NEW SET OF TEETH
FOR HIS DADDY TO RUN FOR
PRESIDENT SO HE LOOKED SLIGHTLY
LESS REPELLENT AND YOU’RE GOING
TO VOUCH IN THIS LETTER AND SAY
IT’S NOT HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP?
YOU KNOW THAT’S GOING TO BLOW UP
IN YOUR FACE LIKE REFERRING YOUR
NEPHEW FOR A JOB AT YOUR
EMPLOYER YOU KNOW THAT 68TH IS
GOING TO SMACK THE HR LADY ON
THE ASS AND CALL HER SUGAR
CUSHIONS AND YOU’RE GOING TO GET
FIRED.
IT’S THE SAME THING.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: SUGAR CUSHIONS WAS MY
NICKNAME IN HIGH SCHOOL.
>> IT STILL IS BEHIND YOUR BACK.
>> Greg: YES.
THAT’S -- I MEANT 10 YEARS AGO.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> WHAT’S UP, SUGAR CUSHIONS?
>> Greg: STILL SELLING REAL ESTATE AT THE SIDE?
ESTATE AT THE SIDE?
>>
>> THE MEDIA WAS SALIVATING OVER
SMOKING GUNS ON TRUMP.
THAT AND THEY NEVER FOUND ONE,
RIGHT?
AND NOW HERE IS A SMOKING GUN,
THIS LETTER, BUT IT’S UNDER
BIDEN AND SOMEHOW NOT
INTERESTED.
YOU CAN’T BETRAY YOUR MEDIA BIAS
MORE CLEARLY.
>> BUT IT’S ALSO THAT INSTANCE
OF, HEY, WE’RE DOING THE THING
THAT IS WRONG SO WE’RE GOING TO
ACCUSE THE OTHER SIDE OF DOING
THE THING THAT IS WRONG EVEN
THOUGH THERE’S NO EVIDENCE OF
THE OTHER SIDE DOING THAT THING.
BUT I THINK LEE REALLY HIT THE
NAIL ON THE HEAD WHEN HE TALKED
ABOUT THE TOP LEVELS OF THE
INTEL AGENCIES BASICALLY
BETRAYED THE TRUST AMERICA HAS
PUT IN THOSE AGENCIES OVER THE
COST OF DECADES OVER TO WIN A
DEBATE TALKING POINT BECAUSE
THEY WERE SO CONSUMED WITH NOT
HAVING TRUMP RUIN THEIR
INSTITUTIONAL POWER FOR ANOTHER
FOUR YEARS AND I THINK WE NEED
TO BREAK IT DOWN TO THAT BASE
LEVEL TO SEE WHAT THEY DID AND
WHY DID THEY DO IT?
ONE, THEY WANTED TRUMP OUT, BUT,
TWO, THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES
TO ANYBODY ON THE LEFT FOR DOING
THAT.
CAN YOU THINK OF ONE PROSECUTION
THAT ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO DID
ANYTHING TO TRUMP WITH THE
RUSSIAN COLLUSION NARRATIVE HAS
BEEN PUT THROUGH?
I’LL WAIT.
I DON’T KNOW.
AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM.
IF THERE’S NO CONSEQUENCES TO
THE UPPER LEVELS, THERE’S NO
CONSEQUENCES TO THE CRIMINALS ON
THE STREETS IN NEW YORK CITY.
OUR COUNTRY IS DESCENDING INTO
CHAOS AND IT’S WRONG.
>> Greg: YOU KNOW WHAT?
THEY ACT LIKE IT’S GOD’S WORK,
KAT.
EVEN THOUGH THEY KNEW IT WAS
WRONG LIKE THAT DUDE PETER
STROBING, YOU KNOW, THE
INSURANCE POLICY DUDE.
IT’S LIKE, OH, WE’RE DOING THE
RIGHT THING SO WE’LL BE REWARDED
SOMEWHERE.
KAT?
>> YEAH, JUST SUCKS ALL THE REST
OF US GOT TO DO ALL OF OUR
DEBATES AND ARGUMENTS ON OUR OWN
OWN.
YOU KNOW?
>> Greg: YEAH.
YEAH.
>> DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES
I’D LOVE TO BE LIKE, OH YEAH?
BOOM!
MEMO FROM THE FEDS.
>> Greg: YEAH.
THAT’S TRUE.
>> I GOT TO BE COMING UP WITH
ALL OF THIS STUFF ALL BY MYSELF
GREGG THAT’SMYSELF--
>> Greg: THAT’S TRUE.
THAT’S TRUE.
>> HE STRAIGHT UP SAYS I’M GOING
TO DO THIS TO INFLUENCE THE
CAMPAIGN.
HE STRAIGHT-UP SAYS THAT WHICH
IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT THE
LETTER SAID.
THE LETTER WAS SO, LIKE, WELL,
YOU KNOW -- IT WAS LIKE, YOU’RE
AN IDIOT IF YOU DON’T THINK
THIS.
SO THEY ALL THINK WE’RE REALLY
STUPID AND WE’VE OBVIOUSLY KNOWN
THAT FOR A WHILE BUT IT’S
COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS AND UNFAIR
AND UPSETTING.
>> Greg: JUST SAYING WE’RE
DOING THIS FOR THE CAMPAIGN AND
ALL THOSE PEOPLE DID IT --
>> DID THEY ALL KNOW?
THAT’S CRAZY.
>> Greg: LISTEN, ALL THE
PEOPLE SIGNING IT WERE LOOKING
FORWARD TO GET SOMETHING KIND OF
WORK SOMEWHERE ELSE.
THEY KNEW IF YOU GOT BRENNAN IN
CHARGE -- ANYONE ASKING YOU, YOU
HAVE TO MAINTAIN THOSE -- YOU
KNOW, THOSE RELATIONSHIPS SO
YOU’RE INFLUENCED.
IT’S GOT TO BE ILLEGAL.
I DON’T KNOW.
WHAT DO I KNOW?
I’M NOT A LAWYER.
>> NO.
BUT YOU PROBABLY WOULD BE IF YOU