BUFF (Whistles) Hey, Henry, what’s holdin’ ya up? Let’s get on with the show!
MAX Now, Buff, be patient.
MELVYN Yeah, we ain’t goin’ anywhere anyhow.
We’re kind of hung up here!
HENRY (Offstage) Gimme a little intro there, Gomer.
(Piano music)
Howdy folks! Welcome to the one and only, original,
Country Bear Jamboree
featuring a bit of Americana, our musical heritage of the past.
And right now, I give you a sordid assortment
of executioners of music and song
The Five Bear Rugs… Hit it boys!
(Singing) The Bear Band bears will play now, In the good ol’ key of G.
Zeke and Zeb and Ted and Fred, And a bear named Tennessee.
Zeke’s a-twangin’ on the banjo, And a-tappin’ with his feet.
A-bangin’ on a dishpan, With a real ol’ country beat.
Zeb’s a-sawin’ on the fiddle With a crooked hickory bow.
When the spirit moves that bruin, He can make that fiddle go.
Brother Ted is on the corn jug — Now, I mean, that bear can blow!
He also plays the washboard With a handle of a hoe.
And big Fred’s playin’ mouth harp. He plays it kinda sad.
He never took a lesson; He just picked it up from Dad.
And li’l ol’ Tennessee Bear Is a-featured on the thing.
Sounds just like a guitar, But it’s only got one string.
So clap your hands, And stomp your feet,
And try to keep right with ’em.
One sure thing the Bear Band’s got Is real ol’ country rhythm.
Ah ha!
ERNEST One night, I left the wife at home,
And I went out with the boys.
I was acting like a Don Juan,
And making a lot of noise.
ZEKE Tell ’em, lover boy!
A go-go girl caught my hand, I said, “I can’t. I’m a married man.”
She said “If you ain’t gonna steal, You better not prowl.”
ZEB He’s a born loser!
Don’t do-si-do with a go-go. If you can’t bite, don’t growl.
If you can’t bite, don’t growl.
HENRY And now, a heart-renderin’ ditty, by our old growler of song
Liver Lips McGrowl! Sing it, Mac!
LIVER LIPS I got a woman, she’s got me.
Whatever we do, we both agree.
She ain’t purty, but I ain’t too.
The things we like are the things we do.
My woman ain’t purty, but she don’t swear none.
She’s kinda heavy — don’t weigh a ton.
She’s my woman, through and through.
I love her only, ’cause my heart is true
WENDELL AND HENRY Mama, don’t whup little Buford.
Mama, don’t pound on his head.
Mama, don’t whup little Buford…
I think you should shoot him instead.
HENRY Bang!
HENRY Yes, folks, we only have high-class stuff on this show.
And now, here’s a special treat out of Tampa
our own Trixie!
TRIXIE Tears will be the chaser for your wine
After you leave this love of mine.
Bright lights and taverns,
That’s where you’ll spend your time.
And tears will the be chaser for your wine.
TERRENCE How long is forever?
How soon is now or never? How long will these heartaches linger on?
How long will these heartaches linger on?
And how long will my baby be gone?
HENRY And now, here they come
those little Sun Bonnets from the sunshine state,
Bunny, Bubbles, and Buelah!
SUN BONNETS Every time I meet a guy who gets me shook,
All I ever get from him’s a dirty look.
It’s the same way everywhere, I’ve found.
All the guys that turn me on turn me down.
Nothing works for me that I’ve found.
It’s the same way everywhere, I see
Nothing ever seems to work for me.
Doodle doodle doodle do, Bum bum!
HENRY My, my. Well, here she is — that delightful,
delicate, dedicated, and dimpled darling of the Dakotas.
Last of the big time swingers: Swingin’ Teddi Barra!
TEDDI BARRA Well, there he goes.
He hardly knows The heart he’s breaking.
MAX Lovely, lovely.
TEDDI BARRA I talked to him,
But I don’t think He understood.
BUFF Aw, sing it gal!
TEDDI BARRA Oh, just forget about the plans
That we were makin’.
HENRY My, my.
TEDDI BARRA Heart, we did all that we could.
Y’all come up and see me some time, ya hear?!
HENRY Yeah! Soon as I find a ladder, I’ll be right up!
BIG AL There was blood on the saddle,
And blood all around,
And a great big puddle
Of blood on the ground.
HENRY Born on a mountain top in Tennessee
Greenest state in the land of the free.
Raised in the woods, so’s he knew every tree.
Tamed him a “bar” when he was only three.
HENRY AND SAMMY Davy, Davy Crockett. King of the wild frontier.
Off in the woods, he’s a-marchin’ along.
Making up yarns, and a-singing his song.
Itchin’ for fighting, and righting a wrong…
BIG AL Blood on the saddle…
HENRY Hey, wait a minute! Hold the phone down there,
you’ve had your turn now!
BIG AL And blood all around…
SAMMY Henry, Henry! We need help!
HENRY Right, Sammy! Hey, gang — hit it!
BEARS Yee-haw, etc!
ENSEMBLE High on the mountain,
Tell me what do you see?
Bear tracks, bear tracks, Looking back at me
Better get your rifles, Before it’s too late.
Bear’s got a little big, And he’s headed through the gate.
He’s big around the middle, And he’s broad across the rump.
Running ninety miles an hour, Making 30 feet a jump.
He’s never been cornered, And he’s never been treed.
Some folks say he looks a lot like me.
HENRY Well, as you can see, we’re just one big, happy family.
Well folks, this concludes our show.
So thanks for bearing with us to the bear end. What do you say Sammy?
SAMMY I say, you all come back, ya hear?
HENRY, SAMMY, BUFF, MELVYN, AND MAX We hope that you’ll be coming back again.
That you’ll drop in and see us now and then.
We’ve done our very best to please
With just the “bear” necessities.
We hope that you’ll be coming back again.
Come again. Come again.
MELVYN The welcome mat is always out,
‘Cause seeing you is fine.
BUFF, MELVYN, AND MAX We hope that you’ll be coming back again.
MAX Don’t forget to gather your belongings…
MELVYN And your husband too!
It’s been good to have you.
BUFF So long folks!