WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND IT IS--
YOU CAN JUST FEEL IT.
YOU CAN FEEL THE VIBE IN THIS ROOM.
IT'S FRIDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S ALSO DAY 28 OF THE
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
IF THE NATION HAD STARTED A CLEANSE, IT'D BE DONE NOW.
( LAUGHTER )
LATE SHOW."
ON TUESDAY?
TUESDAY.
NEW YORK SENATOR KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND ANNOUNCED SHE'S
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT RIGHT OVER THERE IN THAT CHAIR.
BIG NIGHT, BIG NIGHT.
( APPLAUSE )
PRESIDENTIAL ANNOUNCEMENT SINCE CHESTER A. ARTHUR DECLARED HIS
CANDIDACY AT "THE BUFFALO BILL WILD WEST SHOW."
THE ANNOUNCEMENT GOT A LOT OF BUZZ FOR MY SHOW--
UNFORTUNATELY, NOT THIS SHOW.
JUST LISTEN TO HOW IT WAS REPORTED ON "FOX & FRIENDS."
>> YEAH, I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE HOW QUICK THEY'RE COMING OUT,
HOW FAST THEY'RE COMING OUT, AND THE VENUES THEY CHOOSE TO COME
OUT ON WITH "THE COLBERT REPORT."
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WHAT GIVES, BRIAN KILMEADE?
I THOUGHT WE WERE "& FRIENDS."
( LAUGHTER )
COLBERT "REPORT."
IT'S THE COLBERT "REPOR."
OKAY?
THE "T" IS SILENT-- LIKE YOU WERE DURING THE ROGER AILES
SCANDAL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AH, SHUCKEY DUCKEY.
AND, SECOND, "THE COLBERT REPORT" WENT OFF THE AIR OVER
FOUR YEARS AGO.
OR AS IT'S NOW KNOWN, "THE BEFORE TIMES."
( LAUGHTER )
I'M NOT THE MOST POPULAR GUY OVER AT FOX NEWS.
I'M A LITTLE MORE WELCOMED AT MSNBC.
RIGHT, RACHEL?
>> THE VOTE WAS 57-42.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN 58-42 HAD SENATOR KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND NOT
BEEN ON "THE COLBERT REPORT" AT THE TIME DECLARING THAT SHE IS
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: RACHEL!
RACHEL, HOW COULD YOU GET THAT WRONG?
YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS SHOW.
WE WEAR THE SAME GLASSES.
WE HAVE THE SAME HAIRCUT!
( LAUGHTER )
YOUR ORGAN DONOR.
( LAUGHTER )
LET IT GO.
I'M NOT A VINDICTIVE MAN.
I WILL STILL ENJOY WATCHING YOU ON "THE RACHEL ROUNDUP."
( LAUGHTER )
ISN'T THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE.
IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY MEMBER OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS JUMPING
INTO THE RACE, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY NEW SEGMENT:
"DOIN' IT DONKEY STYLE."
FIRST UP ON "DONKEY STYLE," MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR AND
RAVENOUS BABY CANNIBAL, ELIZABETH WARREN.
WARREN ANNOUNCED SHE WAS FORMING AN EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE TWO
WEEKS AGO AND THEN IMMEDIATELY EMBARKED ON A FOUR-CITY TOUR OF
IOWA.
NOW, TECHNICALLY, THE HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE BEEN: "THERE ARE
FOUR CITIES IN IOWA."
( LAUGHTER )
WARREN LIVE-STREAMED FROM HER KITCHEN,
DRINKING A BEER, AND THINGS GOT EVEN MORE #Relatable WHEN HER
HUSBAND SHOWED UP.
>> MY HUSBAND, BRUCE, IS NOW IN HERE.
UM... YOU WANT A BEER?
>> NO, I'LL PASS ON THE BEER FOR NOW.
THANK YOU.
>> YOU SURE?
COME SAY HELLO WITH US.
SO THIS IS MY SWEETIE.
>> I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
>> ENJOY YOUR BEER.
>> Stephen: THAT LED ONE PARTICULARLY VICIOUS INTERNET
TROLL TO TWEET, "BEST LINE IN THE ELIZABETH WARREN BEER
CATASTROPHE IS TO HER HUSBAND, 'THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.' IT'S THEIR HOUSE.
HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!"
(AS TRUMP):
CAN YOU IMAGINE A WIFE BEING GLAD HER HUSBAND'S THERE?
COME ON.
IT DOESN'T PASS THE SMELL TEST.
NO.
HAS ANYONE SEEN MELANIA?
MARCO?" NEXT UP ON "DONKEY STYLE,"
HAWAII REPRESENTATIVE AND ROGUE LAUNCHING HER POST-"X-MEN"
POLITICAL CAREER, TULSI GABBARD.
GABBARD ANNOUNCED HER PRESIDENTIAL RUN LAST FRIDAY,
BUT HER CAMPAIGN IS OFF TO A BIT OF A ROUGH START, BECAUSE
RESEARCHERS FOUND MANY ANTI-GAY-MARRIAGE STATEMENTS,
LIKE THIS ONE: >> TO TRY TO ACT AS IF THERE IS
A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CIVIL UNIONS AND SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IS
DISHONEST, COWARDLY, AND EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL TO THE
PEOPLE OF HAWAII.
AS DEMOCRATS, WE SHOULD BE REPRESENTING THE VIEWS OF THE
PEOPLE, NOT A SMALL NUMBER OF HOMOSEXUAL EXTREMISTS.
WELL, WE'VE JUST SAID "ALOHA" TO TULSI GABBARD, AND NOW IT'S TIME
TO SAY "ALOHA" TO TULSI GABBARD.
( LAUGHTER )
AND SEASON TWO "GILMORE GIRLS" BOYFRIEND, JULIAN CASTRO.
IN HIS ANNOUNCEMENT, CASTRO GAVE A NOD TO HIS IMMIGRANT HERITAGE.
>> WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER GOT HERE ALMOST 100 YEARS AGO, I'M SURE
SHE THAT NEVER COULD HAVE IMAGINED THAT JUST TWO
GENERATIONS LATER, ONE OF HER GRANDSONS WOULD BE SERVING AS A
MEMBER OF THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS AND THE OTHER WOULD BE
STANDING WITH YOU HERE TODAY TO SAY THESE WORDS: "I AM A
CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GRANDMOTHER ALSO COULDN'T HAVE IMAGINED?
THAT OUR WATCHES TELL US TO STAND NOW.
I AM STANDING!