Clay: What exactly does your ex need in order
to commit to you again? That's what we're going to be talking about in this video. But first, my
name is Clay with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship that you're
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Relationships can come apart for any number of reasons. Now, usually when we boil it down,
there's usually three reasons why a relationship doesn't work out. Either the two people don't
fundamentally see each other as being on the same team, they see each other as being on
opposite teams, or opponents. They have poor communication, or the trust disintegrates in
some way, or some combination of those three. But how exactly does a couple recommit? What
exactly needs to happen in order for this to fall into place? Now, obviously that kind of
dynamic needs to be reversed, so you need to be on the same team, you need to communicate clearly,
you need to build trust. But beyond that, there are a couple other things as well too.
First and foremost is, your ex needs to understand that the two of you actually are willing to have a
real, genuine conversation about emotionally what happened, and what's going on. Your ex needs to
understand that their feelings are important, their feelings are valid, their feelings
are heard and understood by you. This doesn't mean you have to agree with your ex, you have to just
say, "Yeah, whatever you want is totally fine. Let's get back together. Yeah, you're right all
the time. Let's get back together." You don't got to do that, but you have to at least be willing
to meet them where they're at emotionally, be willing to talk about their feelings, be willing
to talk about where they're at, be willing to talk about how whatever happened or didn't happen, or
whatever was said or wasn't said, affected them. And if you're willing to do that and address that,
then they're going to be willing to feel seen and heard. And once that happens,
that's when the armor starts to come down, and that's when they're actually open to be having
a more genuine and more forthright, transparent, authentic kind of discussion with you.
But until their feelings are actually seen and understood, they're going to be really defensive
against that. They're going to hold back. They're going to be very defensive, and
deflect any kind of attempt that you have at getting back
together with them. So, that's the first thing. Now, the second thing is they actually have to
see their life as being better with you in it. They need to see their life as being better with
you in it. That is to say that when they are with you, they have to have a better, more positive
experience of life than they would without you in it. So, that means that you have to be able
to have an emotional connection, and connect and all that stuff, but they have to be able to see a
compelling reason about why their life is going to be better with you in it. It can't just be like,
okay, I'm going to live the exact same life that I have right now, but we're going to
be in a relationship, and that's enough. No, it's not enough. You have to do more than that.
And that is because you have to give them something to move toward. You have to give
them something that they can envision in their mind and say, "You know what? That actually does
seem like that would be really nice. I actually could see myself being in a relationship with,"
I don't know, "A musician. It would be really cool to be able to listen to you play the
guitar," and all these things, or see you, whatever it is that you do. Paint, whatever.
And to be a part of that journey with you, and to experience that.
Because what you want to do when you're having a relationship with anyone, is to welcome them into
your world. This also includes dating as well, you want to be able to welcome them into your world.
And as they do this, as they come into your world, they should see an intrinsic benefit to that,
and enjoy that experience a lot more, than if they were to just stay in their own world. Now,
of course it doesn't mean they have to leave their world 100%, but they have to be able to
have access to something greater than just their experience of life, if they're actually going to
be excited about having a relationship together. The third thing that you're actually going to need
is of course, they need to understand that they're not walking back into the same relationship that
they walked out of. This is where a lot of that stuff that we talked about before comes into play.
The two of you got to get on the same team, the two of you have got to be able to communicate
clearly. And the two of you have got to be able to build that trust between one another.
These are the three common reasons why relationships disintegrate. Of course, there are
all kinds of symptoms that manifest as the result of these sorts of things, lying, cheating,
broken promises, trust issues, all sorts of stuff, arguments, "You said you'd do this,
but then you didn't. You didn't do that, and you said you would," all that sort of stuff.
And so, what we want to do is we want to look deeper beneath the surface. It's typically one
of those three things, same team, communication, or trust, and we want to obviously reverse those.
If there's any specific way that that shows up in your situation, then obviously direct energy
towards resolving that in a specific kind of way. So, if you weren't really telling the truth,
work on actually being truthful, work on actually being honest, work on actually being forthright,
transparent and all of that stuff, so that you can actually rebuild that trust, or whatever the case
was. And so, your ex is obviously not going to walk back into the same relationship that they
walked out of in the first place. They need to see that something's going to be different,
just like they need to have a positive vision for why they would want to be in a relationship with
you. Again, they need to see that something's going to be different, they need to see that
their life is better with you in it, they need to know that their emotions are important to you.
And lastly, they also need to know that they're not going to feel silly for getting back together
with you. This kind of builds off of the whole not walking back into the same relationship,
but it also spills over into other areas of their life as well too. So, one thing that's pretty
common after people go through a breakup, is they get into a rebound relationship. And obviously, if
they're going to get back together with you, they need to end that rebound relationship. But that
could be a scary prospect for a lot of people, after all, if they end a rebound relationship and
for whatever reason the two of you don't get back together, they're going to feel kind of silly.
They're going to say like, "Oh, I ended things with you. And then I got into the relationship
with this other person. And then I broke up with that other person to get back here with you,
and then we didn't get back together. So now I'm stuck alone, and I feel silly for going through
all this drama, and thinking of myself as that one person that's the hot mess, that's always in and
out of relationships," or whatever. They also want to think about like, "How are my friends and my
family going to perceive this?" If their friends and family don't like you, and they say, "Well
hey, we're getting back together," well sure, oftentimes if the friends and family can see that
your ex is happy, they'll probably get on board. But if they knew that they were walking out of a
bad situation, and they're getting back together with you, they're going to need to know why.
They're going to want to know why, they're going to want to know that you're not just settling,
you're not just like saying like, "Oh, I tried my best, but I couldn't do any better,
so I'm getting back to this," this is kind of like identity stuff. So, they have to be able to see
that it's actually going to be an improvement to their identity if they get back together
with you. They're going to have to get around areas where, maybe they might feel guilty,
maybe they might get some shame or something from family or friends or something like that. You're
going to have to work through this. And oftentimes one of the best ways to do it, is to really let
them know that the two of you are like a unified front. The two of you are going to get through
this together. It might be uncomfortable, but the two of you are going to do it.
If you need to go there together with them, again, when the time is right, to apologize
to the parents, to talk things out with the friends or whatever, to make sure that they
understand that they're not in this alone. This goes back to that whole same team thing, but
this is how you actually demonstrate it in actual reality. It's not just enough to talk a good talk,
but you actually have to show up and live by these things, in order to make a meaningful difference,
and in order to actually inspire them to get that this is real, this isn't just
talking and all of that stuff. This is actually real, meaningful change that's happening.
And so, that's really what you got to do in order to get your ex to commit. You have to really
do these four things that we talked about. Once again, validate their feelings. Once again,
show them that their life is better with you in it. Show that they're not walking back to
the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place. And show them that
it's not like a step down for them to get back together with you. Either because the two of you,
because they're settling for you, or because maybe they're going to look poorly
in the eyes of other people, other people are going to look poorly at them.
So, you have to really show them this. You have to really give them a path for this to happen.
And if you do want us to help you with maybe this, or maybe something else that you're going through,
and you want to learn about how you can work with us in a deeper sort of way, we do have a
survey down below that you can fill out, about the different background stuff that you might be going
through. And based off of what you're looking for, what you want to do, how you want to work with us,
we can hook you up with various different ways that we might be able to work together.
But anyway, thanks so much for watching this video. If you like it,
please make sure you hit that thumbs up button, and subscribe to the channel. But once again,
this is Clay. Thank you so much. If you want to learn more about what your ex is thinking,
we do have this video series over here, or you might want to check out this video right
here next. But anyway, thank you so much. Take care, and I'll talk to you later.