three years ago I was in Japan with my
husband going through immigration and
the charming young man who was dealing
with the passports examined my husband's
passport and then turned to my husband
and said could I have your mother's
passport now I fell into a pit the
slough of despond a swamp of despair
okay so I do have white hair but did I
really look that old when I looked at my
hands and I see the blue veins like
rivers running across them and the dark
spots that my mother so lovingly called
liver spots I supposed I might be I fell
into a sort of I suppose a depression 69
had been absolutely fine it had a
different ring to it but 70 I hate it so
for two years I felt absolutely dreadful
I didn't know how I'd get other things
there were Armani jacket hanging in my
closet with their skinny woman arms
reminding me of what had been because of
course I piled on weight I grieved for
the moment when at 60 dressed in the
most divine purple bias-cut silk dress I
walked through town and a gentleman who
was obviously a visitor to Hong Kong
said woman you look good boy that was
great but it changed and that had passed
I had in a way become invisible my
marriage changed and I just lost
confidence in who I was and I forgot in
a way how to communicate
I couldn't even communicate with myself
but why was it death that scared me
no way my mother's family had been
village Undertaker's and I spent my
childhood playing amongst the coffins in
my grandfather's workshop in fact I made
my first bra out of cotton lining
now most of you will not have seen
coughing 9 right I thought a lot and it
was perfect because it was white it was
shiny
it was Lacy and it was scalloped now I
was 7 years old so in fact I had no
breasts but I had a bra
no it wasn't death it wasn't death I was
frightened off but it was longevity all
my mum's family who were females lived
into their hundreds and I couldn't bear
the thought for another 30 years of that
pit the depression was like a gray cloud
it was like living in grey cotton wool
but something came to me and it was a
song from my childhood from Wales and a
word here right now here life is almost
untranslatable into English some people
would say oh it means missing your home
but it's really more than that it's
really I need to return to where your
spirit lives and that was it
I realized I had to get back to where my
spirit whatever it was whatever made me
me I had to get back to that now did
this sort of invisibility really really
matter in fact you know it didn't
because I realized that I was freer than
ever to be whoever I wanted to be no
longer did I have to run in the yummy
mummy race or the glamorous growl
mistakes it didn't matter
I could just be me and what was the most
important thing to me it was connecting
with people not the sort of connections
when you go to cocktail parties this
great pageantry you have there or
business connection but it was a much
more those exquisite moments which are
like sparks of electricity which feed
your spirit and where joy really lies
now his neck
I had gone to Ikea and I had bought a
great big white polar bear I don't know
if anyone see these but they're
wonderful they're great big fluffy
cuddly either this big right polar bear
cubs and I called mine co2 tank because
good tag is one of my favorite composers
so I'm coming back from a care on the
MTR and I didn't want to wrap her tag up
because you know it takes a lot of
wrapping paper so I'm sitting down at
the end here with Coretech on my lap and
he's big and two ladies across from me
well as you're looking at me thinking
what is this woman doing with this
stuffed bear and I picked up Kotex
paw and I waved it at them what did they
do they giggled and wave right back you
see that's the thing about a connection
because it leaves an echo those ladies
could remembering maybe they remember in
now that crazy woman who waved a total
polar bear for at them you see they can
be the connections can be transient for
what they do is leave an echo in
someone's life always so I had to return
I knew to where these connections were
most important many many years ago I had
been involved in suicide prevention in
UK and continued when I came to Hong
Kong in the 70s but then as so often
happens in our lives things go wrong you
have difficulties and you know it's time
to take a break but then it occurred to
me friend you're so stupid when you go
back to what you used to love so I
applied again I trained again in suicide
prevention and I went back to where
these connections are anything but
joyful because here you are connecting
with someone's fear with their darkness
you just have to be
and you have to listen but it is the
most heartfelt connection you could wish
and again it's so precious and it is
here I coming back to where your spirit
lives and that's what that connection
was all about there's one part of my
life where a connection didn't happen
and that was with my mother this is my
mum drawn by my father who was an artist
I'm actually in the picture but she's
pregnant with me at four months now my
mom had me just after the war she came
from a large family but there were no
other children and she chose to follow a
New Zealand pediatrician for dr. truly
him I don't know how she heard about him
but she obviously thought maybe this is
the way to bring a baby up and he had
very strict rules for how to treat
infants new born infants for example he
would say that the most important thing
is discipline and the attachment yes
detachment the child was to be fed by
the clock I suppose every want to be
before us never at night Truby King
babies were very often hungry if you
didn't take your feed at the appointed
time hard luck your mother was not
allowed to pick you up in between so as
a result I find it very hard to be away
from food I just need to know somehow
it's available have I got something in
my bag is there a shop nearby where if I
feel those hunger pangs I can get food
which is a result of their true be king
babies were to be potty trained from
five weeks
my mother went one better it was her
proud boast she never had a dirty nappy
from me a wet one but never a dirty one
because I was on the pot from the first
day dear dr. King believed that regular
bowel movements were really important to
prevent premature sexuality in the child
it didn't work for me you know I can
laugh about it now and my mother did the
best she could the best she knew it was
horrendous when I think about it
and I've met other true became babies my
age and they tell the same story but
there was never a real connection with
their mums even though they knew they
were good women because if you're only
allowed to cover your baby ten minutes a
day you don't get this connection you
see the connection was supposed to come
later but of course it never did but she
was a kind woman and an honest woman and
I learned many things from her we just
never had that bonding of mother and
daughter now my father was a different
matter my father was a musician and a
painter and a crazy little man and he
absolutely walked his own path he fitted
no mold and my dad taught me to be me oh
not exactly
taught me to be but showed me what
unconventionality was because he didn't
follow his own path but I learned to do
it now my path was anything but easy
it was let's say extremely rocky it was
kind of yes very difficult and there are
often times when I made terrible
mistakes as I grew up and I live with
some of them now because that's what
life is like right you can't always put
things aside
but I found out very early without
understanding what it was that was in me
but I was somehow a bit different now I
had no teaching about sexuality when I
was very young of course no internet you
know no books you could read but as I
grew older I began to realize that maybe
I didn't think quite the same way as my
friends maybe my interests weren't the
same it was vague and it had no name but
as I grew older and I got more education
I realized that I was watching for now
thinking I wish those were my legs have
been nocturnal yes so here I was a young
woman in this male strim of sexuality
not really knowing which was left and
right in a way but just knowing this was
for me it was my FB ads in my essence so
let's fast forward to the 19th in Hong
Kong when my husband and I started a
business in Hong Kong called fetish
fashion fetish fashion was a place which
was really designed for BDSM bondage
dominance sadomasochism it's a wonderful
word isn't it but this is what people
wanted this is what I wanted and we
wanted to make a place where people
could come together to meet other people
who felt the same because you know we
have a right to our sexuality and a very
wise woman a psychologist told me once
until you are at ease with your
sexuality no matter what that sexuality
is you're gonna be gay straight fight it
doesn't matter you must be at ease with
your sexuality or you cannot be all you
are meant to be and that is so
absolutely true it doesn't matter
whether you don't like sex maybe you are
asexual that's really all right as long
as you are alright
and I thought that woman really taught
me a huge amount being different being
sexually different being in a sexual
minority it was very hard make no
mistake about that because we all search
for connection we all search for
communication
you know we most of us and I dare say
all of you in fact we fear we are alone
in our difference while others are
together in their similarity that's that
is true and I think it's probably true
for all of us we have these fears or
other people don't they're not like me I
mean I'm in a minority over here what
others are together in their in their
similarities now you will imagine my
surprise when having given 100 parties
for the community where people could
come together and enjoy BDSM together on
a 100 play party the police raid 27
policemen rushing arrest everyone who's
at the party and they separate us into
different rooms because we have three
rooms they put the men in one we put the
women in another and the chief
Libertines my husband myself and our
manager in the third but one wonderful
crossdresser is put in with the women
okay so here we are they haven't taken
us yet the police station and I'm
sitting one side of the room with six
police women in an arc around me my
husband is sitting the other side with
an arc of police and men around him and
they search him their body searched him
and they find an object they don't quite
understand when they start pressing the
buttons on this unknown to them this is
the remote control for the vibrating
panties that I'm wearing you couldn't
make it up right thank goodness by
training I'm an actress because believe
you me I had to really keep it very
straight at that point so we are taken
they decided they're going to take us to
the central police station everybody
who's at the party and we get there and
I have my fingerprints taken and I have
to tell you it's one of the most
intimidating and degrading things I've
ever had done I don't know how many of
you had you think if it's taken but you
know someone's hanging on to your
fingers and they press it into the pad
and then they press it onto the paper
it's really kind of dehumanizing but
while I'm having it done a big burly
policeman comes along and he reaches
behind him and takes off a pair of very
heavy handcuffs and throws them down in
front of me presumably to frighten me ah
well that didn't work did it
I mean this basic you know someone was
into bondage you kidding well right
handcuffs I did not tell them that
though
so um everyone I don't even know where
my husband is where our guests are I'm
separated from them and it's cold and
quite honestly I'm pretty frightening
I've never had a speeding ticket and
Here I am in a police station under
arrest so when you're in there
everything is designed to intimidate you
and to isolate you and it does really
work so anyway a year later it took them
a year to decide whether they could
actually charge us with anything but we
were charged 25 charges I mean the mind
boggles doesn't it really so here I am
defendant 1 in court the courts are
their theatrical their utilitarian but
they are ultimately dehumanizing I felt
like I was a spectator in my own life so
I answered not guilty to every charge
but I still feel the loneliness and the
isolation and the unfairness of being
there and what had he done we had
allowed people to express their
sexuality it was not a sex party there
was no sex in the parties but they were
allowed to enjoy the sexuality that they
had been born with I discovered later
because over there my friends in the
judiciary
I discovered that central police station
were very low on Vice numbers they
hadn't had enough Vice arrests I guess
they've got to have their quotas right
they thought I was running a brothel and
I was not running a
they could not understand that there
could be a business which was basically
erotic and content that was not anything
so there was one particular witness and
he had come to three parties undercover
of course I suppose he came to find out
what we were doing and we nicknamed him
Dave the bum and when when you saw Dave
if you would understand why we nicknamed
him Dave the room he had a body of
carved mahogany he was so beautiful and
he had the most amazingly spanked of a
bum so Dave came to three parties over
three months I had no idea he was a
policeman because all he ever wore when
he came into the party was a little red
leather pouch with yellow flames leaping
up over it he was really an undercover
less than cover cop Olivier and we made
tremendous friends he was just a lovely
man he had a ball and we had a ball no
idea he was a policeman
I knew please had come into the parties
at some point they were easy to spot
because they had police-issue fetish
gear okay and they all look the same
they all had these little little a PVC
shorts and I remember lining three of
them up and saying boys do you belong to
a club or something because you all look
the same I accepted that police would be
interested in what we did but as far as
I was concerned we were doing nothing
wrong now do remember the name of days
because he's coming back at the end of
it the trial lasted three weeks I
sketched as my dad would have done had
he been in the same position now in fact
Dave is in here somewhere
as is our expert witness as
magistrate as if some lots of the
witnesses and isn't it interesting that
you actually can't tell who's who
except for the magistrate but David
there unfortunately I couldn't do him
justice but that's life right but we did
get justice in the end and we had not
guilty to all 25 charges so we won going
back over my 30 years of journals I've
kept journals for 30 years when I was in
that pit that I was in I read about the
trial I read about all the work we had
done to try to bring people together to
meet other people who shared the same
feelings
it helped me tremendously because I was
able to look back and think no that was
the right thing to do that was a good
thing to do it's all about connections
and helping people helping people find
their own way home and then we all don't
we all want to feel we found our home we
want to feel that we have found people
who see it through really really serious
and really really hear us now the years
have passed I'm still here
unchanged then we change but then we're
all going to change out with a bit faded
like the tulips I suppose but you know
in aging and slight fading there is a
beauty and there is a beauty of
fragility in there none of us are going
to stay the same most of you have more
left more time left than I do use that
time use that time to make these
wonderful magical connections with
people which will leave an echo in their
life have the courage to do that because
it may be the gift of the other post we
really need let's get back to Dave I
promised your return and here it is it's
after the trial of a few months after
the trial and I'm on the number 13 bus
and I'm sitting next to a big
from for the bus and it has to stop
because it's turning into a main road
and as it stops I'm conscious that a
police Fang has drawn up alongside now
of course for many months I avoided
police cars police men anything but I
turned there was faith the thumb
magnificent in his uniform and we looked
at each other and we smiled and we
grinned and we waved in absolute
recognition that we had shared the same
things with some great times but that
was the most wonderful wonderful ending
for me to the trauma of the trial and
it's a great ending to my talk thank you