-Thank you so much
and welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, a big story just came out about something
the Trump administration decided to do
or really not to do about the virus back in April.
Watch this.
-And there's new reporting in "The Washington Post"
that the administration had a plan back in April
to send 650 million masks by mail,
but the "Post" reports the plan was scrapped
because there were fears in the administration
it might cause a panic. -Yeah.
-When the news broke, Trump was like, "See?
There was a plan. I just blocked it."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Trump nixed the plan. Even worse, it was after Don Jr.
had already licked 200 million envelopes.
"Are you kidding me?" [ Laughter ]
The worst part is, when they told Trump the plan,
his first comment was "Let's e-mail the masks.
It'll be faster." [ Laughter ]
"All right? We'll look into that."
That's right, Trump decided he didn't want to create panic.
Yeah, back in April, I knew there wasn't a panic
when I saw my neighbor walk to the mailbox each day
with a jockstrap over his face.
[ Laughter ]
And this is big -- the Trump administration says that,
starting this weekend, they're banning TikTok
from The App Store.
They had Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross
make the announcement. Let's see how that went.
-So, as to TikTok, the only real change,
as of Sunday night, will be -- won't have access
to improved apps, updated apps, upgraded apps,
but the basic TikTok will stay intact until November 12th.
[ Laughter ]
-Man, if you hate your job, think about the staffer
who had to explain TikTok to Wilbur Ross.
[ Laughter ]
You see Maria Bartiromo is just like...
[ Exhales sharply ] "What?"
Is he okay? I mean, Wilbur Ross
is what happens to your phone when you ignore the updates.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Seriously, before today,
Wilbur thought TikTok was his pacemaker.
[ Laughter ]
I'm pretty sure if you zoom out,
you see Jeff Dunham's hand up his back.
[ Laughter ]
Now, the government says China is using TikTok
to steal your data. Yeah.
America's like, "We already gave it to Facebook,
Instagram, Twitter, Alexa, Apple Watch, Ring doorbell,
the FaceSwap app.
God. We should've just done three.
[ Laughter ]
Is there anything else we need to hear from Wilbur Ross?
-In connection with executive orders 13942
and 13943, dealing respectively with TikTok and WeChat.
[ Coughing ] [ Laughter ]
-What?! [ Laughter continues ]
-That was real? -[ Laughing ] Yeah.
I think the Postal Service
should send half a billion masks to him.
[ Laughter ]
In Wilbur's defense, he would've coughed
into his elbow, but he didn't have have
45 minutes to lift it.
[ Laughter ]
-Oof.
[ Coughing ]
-What was that? I think he just coughed up
a piece of taffy he ate during the Civil War.
Today, Trump's Commerce Department
issued an order saying that new downloads
of the TikTok app will be banned in the U.S.
starting this Sunday.
-Wait. Really?
-I mean, TikTok might file an injunction but, yeah.
-Oh, man.
Well, you want to have one last "TikTok Talk"?
-Sure, Tariq. Quest, can we get a beat?
♪♪
-Nah. I'm good.
♪♪
-Last night, Trump held a campaign rally in Wisconsin.
At one point, he tried appealing to dairy farmers
by talking about milk,
but I think he went a little overboard.
Watch this.
-They have something called specialty milk.
It's a small little grouping of milks -- specialty milk.
And that really got me going, the little specialty milk.
But it was all because of specialty milk.
[ Laughter ]
-If Trump had said "milk" three more times,
Mike Pence would've suddenly appeared.
[ Laughter ]
Even dairy farmers are like,
"What the hell is he talking about, specialty milk?"
Meanwhile, Joe Biden is busy on the campaign trail.
Last night, on CNN, he did an outdoor drive-in town hall.
It was pretty unique.
People in the audience sat on their car hoods.
Here's what it looked like.
Yeah, Trump was jealous. He was like, "I'm gonna have
a drive-in rally, but it'll be indoors, engines on."
[ Laughter ]
It was a good setting for Biden.
Any time he was about to mess up,
his staffers could just lay on the horn.
"I miss the good ol' days when you could call a guy --"
[ Car horn blaring ]
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, I saw that a new bronze statue
of First Lady Melania Trump was unveiled in Slovenia this week.
Let's see how that turned out.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Wait. -People were -- [ Laughs ]
People were like, "Wow, they captured
her emotions perfectly." [ Laughter ]
-Is that real? -It's real.
-No. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
You might not think it's very realistic,
but that statue has been having dinner with Trump
for the last six months. [ Laughter ]
"Well, you're chattier than usual."
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a dentist in Alaska was just sentenced
to prison for fraud and malpractice.
But there was one crime he committed that stands out.
Watch this.
-A dentist who went viral for riding a Hoverboard
while pulling a patient's tooth
has been sentenced to 12 years in prison.
[ Laughter ]
-The dentist is furious 'cause the heart surgeon
on the Segway only got 10 years. [ Laughter ]
The judge issued the sentence, then said,
"bailiff, glide him away."