Over there, we saw Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen once,
and once in the shop,
and once up Burleigh Hill, riding his bike, didn't we?
And in the Co-op. Yeah.
Because I was walking in the Co-op and he was coming out and I said,
"After you," and he said, "No, after you."
He's so humble.
So humble, and I asked him, I said to him,
"When do we get to see you back on our screens?
"Because it's a crying shame I don't get to see you as often."
And he just shrugged. He just shrugged like that.
Such a shame.
So, this is my cousin, Kurtan.
But not only is he my cousin,
he's my best mate as well, because he's the only person I can share
a box of Celebrations with.
Tell them why.
Cos I love the Bounties, but I won't touch anything else.
She cannot stand Bounties but she'll eat the rest of them.
So, nothing goes to waste. He'll literally just come round my house,
won't you, and just hoover up all the Bounties?
That's what I do, yeah.
I like the underdog.
The thing is, I don't even like Bounties that much,
I just feel sorry for them cos they're always left. Yeah.
Well, I've known Kerry and Kurtan, on and off, for 12 years now.
I think they're great kids, really.
Give it!
Don't be a fucking dick.
I do think they sometimes resort
to a lot of effing and jeffing and
that's something we've been working on, actively, a lot,
especially the last couple of years, and I feel like
they've made great strides forward.
I mean, last week,
I don't think they used the F word once.
We had the C word a couple of times but, I mean,
that really is an improvement on what had gone before.
Scarecrow Festival is the most important day of the year.
That's the beautiful thing about living in the village.
Everyone comes together on days like Scarecrow Festival and just forgets
their utter hatred of each other.
He'll tell you that the Scarecrow Festival is all fun and games,
but it ain't for me.
For me, the Scarecrow Festival is just asking for trouble,
cos everyone who's anyone's going to be there and there are people
from my past that would love to see me slain.
I've got enemies everywhere.
I've got enemies in South Cerney, I've got enemies in North Cerney,
I've got enemies in Cerney Wick.
I've got enemies in Bourton-on-the-Water.
There's a tea rooms there and under the counter
they've got a panic button
and if I take one step inside, they can press that.
The police will be there in three minutes.
Isn't that right?
If I'm walking through the village,
people in cars actually slam their foot down on the accelerator,
because they want to get through the village as fast as they can
without getting into a confrontation with me.
Because if they stop off at traffic lights,
I'll just knock on their window and I go, "What you looking at, mate?"
What?
What? Why?
For what?
I don't go to school any more.
Where the hell is he getting these vouchers from?
Cos they discontinued them, like, ten years ago.
How is that my fault? I don't understand.
I cannot win.
This is just ridiculous.
I don't live here, this is Kerry's house.
I live with my nan, just round there.
Oh, shit, it's Slugs, look. Oh, you're joking.
Oh, he WhatsApped me the other day
asking us to go laser quest with him and I...
What did you say? Well, I clicked on it by accident, didn't I?
So he knows I've seen it. Oh, sake!
The thing is, he'll just trap you for ages, he'll never leave.
I should feel sorry for him cos he's got terminal cancer,
but he's so utterly annoying.
It's like, if you want to have a bucket list, that's fine,
but don't just drag us into it. Do you know what I mean?
It's all right, he's going the other way.
Thank Christ for that.
So, it's about 15 quid a head.
That includes two sessions of laser quest and a minibus there and back,
but I am going to need the deposit now.
Oh, I just...
Hello?
Oh, your mum's shouting. Just coming now.
Yeah. But have a really... I hope you enjoy yourself. Cheers, mate.
Cheers though, mate. Thanks for thinking of us.
Yeah. See you later.