NOW, AS ANY POLITICAL JUNKIES OUT THERE KNOW, THE IOWA
CAUCUSES ARE JUST OVER THREE WEEKS AWAY, AND EVEN THOUGH HE'S
DOWN IN THE POLLS, I'M STILL BETTING ON A BIG COMEBACK FROM
MY FRIEND JEB BUSH.
EVERYBODY KEEPS SAYING THE GUY IS OUT OF THE RACE, BUT HE'S
STILL GOT THE MONEY, THE FAMILY NAME AND MAYBE ONE DAY HE'LL
ADMIT IT.
(LAUGHTER) AND I LIKE THE GUY.
AFTER HE APPEARED ON MY FIRST SHOW, AND THIS IS TRUE, HE SENT
ME A THANK YOU NOTE.
THAT IS CLASSY.
THANK YOU, JEB.
PLUS, I THINK THE MAN IS JUST COME UP WITH A GAME-CHANGING
STRATEGY TO CONNECT WITH VOTERS.
>> JEB BUSH SEES HIMSELF AS A JOYFUL TORTOISE, AT LEAST TATS
WHAT HE TOLD A TEENAGER ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL YESTERDAY.
THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE GAVE THE BOY A TOY TURTLE AND SAYS HE
CARRIES THEM AROUND IN HIS POCKET.
>> Stephen: WHICH LED SOME TO ASK IS THAT A TOY TORTL IN YOUR
POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST REALLY BAD AT RUNNIN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?
(LAUGHTER) NOW, JEB SAYS THE TURTLES ARE A
REMINDER THAT SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE, WHICH MAKES HIM
THE TORTOISE THAT WE ALL KNOW WHO THE HAIR IS.
OF COURSE!
(APPLAUSE) THIS DOES NOT ADDRESS THE
CENTRAL QUESTION ABOUT THESE TURTLES.
WHAAAA?
>> YOU HAVE A POCKET FULL OF TURTLES?
>> I HAVE TURTLES.
I HAVE THE LITTLE BABY JESUS, MY ROSARY BEADS AND THREE TURTLES.
>> Stephen: WAIT...
HUH?
YOU GOT THE LITTLE BABY JESUS IN YOUR POCKET?
SHOULD HE BE IN THERE?
ARE YOU USING YOUR PANTS AS A NATIVITY SCENE, SIR?
ARE THOSE THE THREE WISE TURTLES?
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I STILL LIKE THEM.
THANK YOU NOTE.
AND HE'S RIGHT...
SLOW AND STEADY WINS.
NOW, HE'S GOT THE SLOW AND STEADY, TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T
BAD.
BUT WHOEVER WINS, JEB OR ANY OF THE OTHER PEOPLE, THAT PERSON IS
GOING TO INHERIT A PRETTY SCARY WORLD.
>> THIS EARTH SHAKING ANNOUNCEMENT FROM NORTH KOREA
THAT IT TESTED A HYDROGEN BOMB POTENTIALLY HUNDREDS OF TIMES
MORE POWERFUL THAN THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS IT TESTED BEFORE.
>> U.S. OFFICIALS SAY IT'S CLEAR THE NORTH DID TEST A NUCLEAR
DEVICE BUT DOUBT IT'S AN H-BOMB.
>> Stephen: YES WE KNOW NORTH KOREA TESTED A NUCLEAR
DEVICE BUT CAN'T BE SURE THEY HAVE THE H BOMB.
SUPREME LEADER KIM JONG UN HAS BEEN KNOWN TO LIE BEFORE, MOSTLY
TO HIMSELF IF HE THINKS HE CAN PULL OFF THAT HAIRCUT.
(LAUGHTER) NO, SORRY...
SO -- SO -- (LAUGHTER)
THERE MAY BE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE AS ONE SENIOR
DEFENSE ANALYST WROTE, KIM MAY BE CLAIMING HE ACHIEVED A
HYDROGEN BOMB WHEN, IN PRACTICE, HE ONLY HAS A BOOSTED NUCLEAR
WEAPON.
YES, ONLY A BOOSTED NUCLEAR WEAPON!
THEY SAY IT LIKE IT'S A BETTER THING AND SINCE I DON'T REALLY
KNOW WHAT THAT IS, I'M CHOOSING TO BELIEVE THEY TOOK A REGULAR
NUKE AND PACKED IT WITH MENTOS AND DIET COKE.
WHAT WE KNOW FOR SURE IS IT WAS DONE IN CONJUNCTION WITH SUPREME
LEADER KIM JONG UN'S BIRTHDAY.
TO CELEBRATE, NORTH KOREANS WENT INTO THE STREETS AND DANCED.
IT'S KIND OF SORT OF SAD, GREY FOOTAGE AND THERE ISN'T ANY
MUSIC ON IT SO TO MAKE IT MORE FESTIVE.
WE ADDED OUR OWN MUSIC.
(RAP MUSIC) (CHA-CHA SWING)
>> Stephen: YES!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THEY'RE DOING THE CHA-CHA SLIDE
BECAUSE THEIR PRIMITIVE POWER GRID CANNOT HANDLE THE ELECTRIC
SLIDE.
BUT I'VE GOT A BIRTHDAY MESSAGE FOR KIM JONG UN IF HE IS
WATCHING AND I HOPE HE IS BECAUSE THE NETWORK WANTS ME TO
ATTRACT MORE 18 TO 34-YEAR-OLDS WITH DISPOSABLE INCOME AND
NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
SO GLORIOUS LEADER, HERE IS WHY YOU SHOULD GIVE UP YOUR DREAMS
OF DEVELOPING AN H-BOMB -- THE HYDROGEN BOMB GETS ITS
DESTRUCTION FORCE NOT FROM FISSION BUT THE FUSION OF ATOMS
AND HELIUM, SO WHEN YOU DROP THIS, THIS WILL BE HELIUM IN THE
AIR, MUCH AS IT IS IN THIS BIRTHDAY BALLOON WHICH I HAVE
BECAUSE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY AND EVEN IF YOU SUCCESSFULLY
LAUNCHED A HYDROGEN BOMB, ALL THAT HELIUM WOULD MAKE IT
IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOUR GLORIOUS BIRTHDAY SPEECH TO BE TAKEN
SERIALS BECAUSE YOU WOULD SOUND LIKE THIS -- OH, HAIL ME YOUR
SUPREME LEADER FOR WE REIGN VICTORIOUS, ETERNALLY GLORIOUS
TO THE PEOPLE'S REVOLUTION.
IN HARNESSING THE ATOM WE HAVE FLOWN LIKE A WINGED TIGER AND
BURNED THE AMERICAN BANDITS WITH THE HEAT OF A MILLION SUNS.