Well, hello there!
Today I'm going to show you how to make a lovely summer salad
from some possessed vegetables.
Just so you can see the subtle differences for yourselves,
this is your average cucumber,
and THIS is a cucumber I picked up the last time I crossed over into the fourth dimension of darkness.
[juicy, burbling spurt]
So, let's prepare it for our salad!
First, you'll need to remove the thorns.
I would recommend using a pair of pliers for this.
You need to be very careful with the thorns,
as they contain a venom that can bring on a chesty cough
and instant insanity.
So, next, create two incisions along the length of the vegetable
like so
and remove this segment and set it aside.
You should now be able to see the spine running along the length of your cucumber.
This should come out fairly easily with the help of a teaspoon handle or similar shaped object.
This could be a nice little treat for your dog!
Greens are good for you, Rover.
Then, simply cut up the cucumber and add it to your salad bowl.
Next we have the gem lettuce, or
" ̷̨̨̧̛͈͉̦̬̻͓͖̣̙̬̟̍̈́̃̎͝r̵̥̟͉̔̑ą̵̢̛̜͈̲͖̭̗̑͑́̊̎͜f̷̧͓͕̩͙͚̬̙͉̈́͂̊͐͘u̷̘͚̙̗̳͐́̓̓̕n̵̻͇̭̩̟̪͐̂ ̷̧͚̝̳̰̰̭̲͓̲̖̍͑̂͂̓͝ͅȧ̴̢̳̬͔̋n̴̜̲͌̃ư̷̧̧͚̥̯̬̰̘̾͊̓̇̿͆̓́̋̊͝t̸̢̪͇̤͉͙̄̂͌̈̾͠ȃ̴̞̫̹͓͕̜̬̖̥̄̂́̎̉̀͛̉̆͂̊ͅ ̴̬̠̜̈"
to give it its native name.
Now, be careful removing the outer leaves,
as the teeth are sharp.
Very sharp.
And once you've found the mouth, hold the lettuce upright and drop a gummy bear into it.
As he eats it, the goodness in the gummy bear is going to neutralise that evil taste you'd otherwise be left with.
Whilst he's occupied chewing,
just go ahead and roughly chop him up.
This can also then just be added to our bowl :)
Next we have our peppers.
I tend to opt for red peppers as I prefer the taste
and yellow peppers from this realm
also tend to be full of human teeth.
[clattering]
So take your red pepper and cut it open.
As you can see, we're going to need to remove this pepper's heart of darkness.
If you just go ahead and open up the ribcage with your fingers,
[the most ungodly crunch]
then you can pull out the heart and set it aside.
The ribcage can then be taken out as well,
but I tend to leave them in to add to the overall crunch.
Your call!
Now our salad is assembled, I would recommend dressing it in a vinaigrette with a holy water base.
Or at least get a priest to bless your balsamic.
This really just helps to ensure the salad won't try and possess you
or come alive and eat your eyes.
And lastly, sprinkle a few cubes of feta cheese over the top
And you're finished! A lovely summery salad made from--
--Oh my god. It got me.
[wimpy scream; static from another dimension]
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Now, I need to find a priest!
s u b s c r i b e o r b e e a t e n