LET'S GET RIGHT INTO THE NEWS.
THE DEMOCRATS HELD ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE TONIGHT,
THIS TIME IN DES MOINES, IOWA.
IT'S A BIG DEAL BECAUSE THIS WAS THE FINAL DEBATE BEFORE IOWA
CHOOSES A CANDIDATE IN THEIR STATEWIDE CAUCUSES.
THIS IS THE BIGGEST THING TO HAPPEN IN IOWA SINCE... THE LAST
TIME THIS HAPPENED IN IOWA.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS THE CANDIDATES' FINAL
CHANCE TO APPEAL TO IOWA VOTERS, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THEY ALL
APPEARED ON STAGE CHEWING A SINGLE STRAND OF WHEAT.
( LAUGHTER ) "LOOKS LIKE THERE'S RAIN
A-COMIN'!" TONIGHT'S LINEUP FINALLY
NARROWED THE FIELD DOWN TO FIVE CANDIDATES WHO HAVE A REAL SHOT
OF WINNING THE NOMINATION.
AND ALSO, APPARENTLY A GUY CALLED TOM STEYER.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TOM STEYER IS, HERE'S A PICTURE OF HIM
HERE.
YEAH, NOW YOU RECOGNIZE HIM.
THAT'S NOT HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) WE JUST GOOGLED "RICH WHITE GUY"
AND THAT'S WHAT CAME UP.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I THINK IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT
TOM STEYER'S CAMPAIGN THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE DISAPPOINTED WITH THE
PARTICIPANTS IN TONIGHT'S DEBATE.
WHAT STARTED MONTHS AGO AS THE MOST DIVERSE PRIMARY FIELD IN
HISTORY HAS NOW TURNED INTO THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, CAUCUS IS SHORT FOR
CAUCASIAN.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT HAPPENED?
THE FIELD OF CANDIDATES WENT FROM LOOKING LIKE A DIVERSE
REPRESENTATION OF THE COUNTRY, TO LOOKING LIKE THE FRONT ROW OF
A JIMMY BUFFET CONCERT.
( LAUGHTER ) TONIGHT'S DEBATE WAS SO WHITE,
PEOPLE WHO TURNED ON THEIR TVS WERE LIKE, "WAIT, I THOUGHT THE
OSCARS WERE NEXT MONTH?" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MOVING ON, WE HAD TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THIS STUDY.
ACCORDING TO THE LATEST SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH, GOING TO
THE MOVIES COUNTS AS A LIGHT WORKOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) TRULY.
YEAH, THEY SAY SITTING THROUGH A FILM AT A MOVIE THEATRE IS
EQUAL TO ABOUT 40 MINUTES OF LOW-IMPACT CARDIO.
YOU HEAR THAT?
THAT'S THE SOUND OF EVERYONE IN AMERICA SAYING TO THEMSELVES,
"SEE?
I DO WORK OUT!" ( LAUGHTER )
I DO LOW-IMPACT CARDIO.
( LAUGHTER ) GOING TO THE MOVIES COUNTS AS A
LIGHT WORKOUT.
AND IT COUNTS AS A HEAVY WORKOUT IF YOU CRY AS MUCH AS I DID
DURING "LITTLE WOMEN."
( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, THIS IS WHY I ATTEND
EVERY MOVIE PREMIERE DRESSED LIKE THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST GETTING SOME CARDIO, GUYS.
AND WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS.
DUNKIN' DONUTS HAS TEAMED UP WITH SNOOP DOGG TO INTRODUCE A
NEW BREAKFAST SANDWICH.
HERE IT IS HERE.
IT FEATURES TWO GLAZED DOUGHNUT HALVES FOR BUNS, EGG, CHEESE,
AND A PLANT-BASED SAUSAGE PATTY.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE MEAT WOULD MAKE IT UNHEALTHY.
( LAUGHTER ) SNOOP DOGG'S BREAKFAST SANDWICH
FEATURES PLANT-BASED MEAT, WHICH MAKES SENSE, CONSIDERING SNOOP'S
"PLANT-BASED LIFESTYLE."
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, HERE'S A CRAZY
STORY FROM MEXICO.
A MAN WAS HOSPITALIZED BECAUSE HE TOOK A SEX STIMULANT USED FOR
BREEDING BULLS, AND ENDED UP WITH A THREE-DAY ERECTION.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, IN OTHER WORDS, THE PLAN
WORKED PERFECTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) A THREE-DAY ERECTION.
OR AS I CALL IT: AN ERECTION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE MAN NEEDED MEDICAL ATTENTION
AFTER TAKING A SEX STIMULANT INTENDED FOR BULLS.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HE IS NOW THE PROUD FATHER OF SIX ADORABLE
BABY MINOTAURS!