(upbeat music)
- I love doing accents.
It's a lot of fun when you can do them like,
"come on, let's hangout, it's fun."
(audience laughing)
It's fun, the German's fun,
"yeah, oh, it's lovely here."
(audience laughing)
I mean I fuck with him all day.
Russians though? I don't fuck with Russians.
(audience cheering)
I don't fuck with anybody that "talk like this.
What do you say to me?"
(audience laughing)
"You fuck me and my family? What you say to me?"
I'm good, bro. I don't trust you.
'Cause there's levels to being Russian.
There's like regular Russian and there's Chechens
and there's Dagestanis!
It's a whole other level,
where they wrestle bears, apparently from childhood.
What the fuck are you talking about?
His father, God rest his soul,
were the greatest coaches of all time,
and how did that conversation even happen?
Like he walked up to his dad like,
"Daddy."
(audience laughing)
"Daddy, I really want to be great champion.
Daddy, please, please train me, daddy."
Like, "No, son, you're not ready."
"I'm ready, please, please. Train me, Daddy."
"Okay, I go get bear, let's see."
(audience laughing)
Everybody has their favorites, but I went with Pfizer.
I want like a German scientist making my shit,
you know what I'm saying?
I wanted the guy like, "yeah, we have the Pfizer!
Yeah! We knew he was coming out, the covid,
and we are way ahead of schedule.
Yeah, we have the vaccine, the Pfizer!"
That's the one I want.
(audience laughing and applauding)
"Yeah, it's good. Ooh, we have the Pfizer."
(audience laughing and applauding)
"Do you have the Pfizer? I have the Pfizer."
I'm not doing Johnson & Johnson. I'm not doing that.
(audience laughing)
I don't even use their regular products.
(audience laughing)
And they make too many for my comfort, bro.
You want me to take, what's in the Johnson & Johnson?
"I don't know, man, like we just started
off with a little snake venom in there."
(audience laughing)
"And then we just added some Johnson & Johnson
baby powder to thicken it up a bit.
Some Johnson & Johnson baby oil to loosen her up a bit.
Then we put a goddamn baby in there,
just a whole fucking baby and we finished it off
with a little Wild Turkey to give it that (grunts)."
(audience laughing and applauding)
How many shots do I take?
"No shots, we just pass it mouth to mouth."
(audience laughing and applauding)
It's so absurd. It's so absurd, like...
Like vaccines having accents, it's so absurd.
What's Moderna?
(speaking foreign language)
"You got that 'Derna, bro?
We'll give you one shot
and you'll crip walk out this bitch."
I'm good.
(audience laughing and applauding)
(indistinct)
I'm for real.
(audience cheering)
Hold on, hold on, when I got there,
they put me in ESL class,
which is English as a Second Language class,
and I was the only guy that spoke English
in this fucking class.
(audience laughing)
And my family sends me to school with a vest and a bow tie,
thinking that's how you go to school.
No, that's how you get your ass whooped
at school in America.
(audience laughing)
I walk in, all the kids are looking at me like,
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
(audience laughing)
Sorry? What language are you speaking?
All of a sudden, this other dude just comes
up out of nowhere, he's like, "you're weird, dude."
(audience laughing and applauding)
(speaking foreign language)
"Why do you talk like that, dude?"
And that was my teacher.
(audience laughing and applauding)
He was like (speaking foreign language).
"You walk by here every day, you don't say nothing,
don't do nothing, what?"
(audience laughing)
"You ashamed of your own peoples, bro?"
(audience laughing and applauding)
"You ashamed of your own peoples?
This is your (speaking foreign language), bro!
You're one of us! You're ashamed of your own peoples, bro?"
(audience laughing and applauding)
(speaking foreign language)
"You're gonna get broke today, bro.
What's your name, bro? (speaking foreign language)
What's your name?"
I was like, "oh man, my name is Muhammad."
He's like, "what?"
(audience laughing and applauding)
"For real, bro? You look exactly like Hector, swear to God."
(audience laughing and applauding)
He was like, "Hector, Hector, (speaking foreign language).
We found your doppelganger, (speaking foreign language).
(audience laughing and applauding)
And the fucked up part is Hector came out,
I was like, "holy shit! I do look like Hector!"
(audience laughing and applauding)
We started high fiving and shit.
I was like, "oh yeah, we all look alike."
Then I saw some guns sticking out,
I was like, "oh shit, need to get the hell
out of this situation."
And I did and I had a decent day.
I really did and then I'm going home
and I see the black gangs hanging out
and I was like, "please, please, not today.
I'm not emotionally prepared to deal with this today.
Please, just not today."
And of course they smelled that fear from a mile away.
For real.
And this guy comes up to me, he was like, "say, Jose!
You in the wrong motherfucking neighborhood, Jose.
You done fucked up today, Jose!
Where your crew at, Jose?"
I'm looking around for Jose. I'm like who the hell is Jose?
It's like, come on, man. My name is Muhammad.
He goes, "oh man, Salaam-Alaikum brother. Shit, my bad."
(audience laughing and applauding)
I ended up selling all the gang members fake Rolexes,
I'm not gonna lie.
I was that Arab connect, that's what I was.
My favorite interrogation I ever had in my life.
It was just an hour of them trying to figure
out what I did for a living, the entire hour.
The entire hour of consisted of,
"so what is your occupation?"
I was like, "oh, I'm a comedian." "Comedian?"
(audience laughing)
"Yeah, yeah, I do stand-up comedy."
"Stand-up comedy?"
(audience laughing)
I was like, "yeah man. I do comedy." "Comedy?"
"Yeah, I do stand-up comedy?" "Stand-up comedy?"
"Yeah, I'm a comedian." "Comedian?"
Am I being roasted right now? What's happening.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Finally his friend walks in,
I was so relieved somebody else walked in and he goes,
(speaking foreign language).
He goes, "oh yeah, comedian."
(audience laughing)
"He's like Bill Cosby!"
(audience laughing)
And that's what got me off, was Bill Cosby.
I mean, not literally, not literally.
(audience laughing and applauding)
It's exhausting.
I went to England, England is probably one
of the toughest countries to travel to
if you don't have a passport.
Like they've fucked the whole world
so they feel scared that the shit's gonna come back to them.
So they are really protective of everything.
Like seriously, check this out, alright.
Check this out.
So before you get your visa, you've gotta get fingerprints.
When you get your visa,
you got a confirmation of your fingerprints,
then you land in London and they're like,
"oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, hello Muhammad.
Yeah, oh, oh, we need your thumbprints, yeah?
Just one more time, your thumbprints."
I was like, "oh, you mean thumbprints?"
He's like, "yeah, that's what I said, yeah? Thumbprints.
Don't correct my English, I speak the Queen's English."
I was like, "yeah, well, if that's the case,
why do you guys end every sentence with the question mark?
It's really frustrating."
I remember I was lost in London, my phone was dead.
I was like, "excuse me, sir,
can you please tell me how to get to the Holiday Inn?"
And he's like, "yeah, yeah.
You just walked down this street, yeah?
You make the first left, yeah? Second right, yeah?
And then the hotel's gonna be on the left-hand side, innit?"
I'm like, "I don't know, is it? Motherfucker, I'm lost!"
(audience laughing and applauding)
Because if you really look at it,
like England is all red, white and blue stripes.
X here, stripes all over, X here,
come to America, they're like
"straighten up them damn stripes."
Pat, pat, pat, pat. Put 50 stars on that son of a bitch."
(mouthing gun shots)
America, you know what I mean?
(audience laughing and applauding)
You go to Australia, they got the British flag
inside of their flags.
They threw some stars in there to let America know,
don't hit me, okay?
Do not beat me up, I'm with you.
New Zealand followed suit because they had no choice.
And then Scandinavia is all red, white, and blue
or variations of those colors except Sweden.
Sweden's like,
"we'll take some blue but we also want the yellow, okay?
We want the German yellow!"
Alright, give them the German yellow, geez.
Shut the fuck up, Sweden, you know?
France is red, white and blue.
Holland is red, white and blue.
I mean, my God, it just keeps going.
So is Russia. Russia was red, white and blue, is today,
but for a while they were like the rogue white people.
They were like the really rogue white people,
who were like, "no, no, fuck you."
We will not be red, white and blue, anymore, okay?
We will be calling us USSR Russia, okay?
We will take over surrounding countries
and we will be most powerful super power.
Fuck you, okay? Vodka!"
You know what I mean?
And then they had to submit at some point
and they're like, "okay, okay, okay.
No more red flag with yellow hammer sickle, okay.
Okay, we will give back independence
to surrounding countries, okay.
Every once in a while, I will fuck Ukraine!
That's the deal. That's the deal."
(audience laughing and applauding)
"We will go back to red, white and blue, okay, okay.
We will be democratic as well,
win elections by 99% but no one is counting, okay."
(audience laughing)
"But in like 30 years, we will infiltrate
your electoral system and give you the shittiest,
weirdest presidential experience you've ever had."
(audience laughing, cheering and applauding)
"And don't forget about our secret weapon, Kanye West."
When I get back to Houston, I'm gonna call immigration,
I'm gonna use my super white voice
'cause that's how I get shit done over the phone.
(audience laughing)
I use a super white voice on the phone to get late checkouts
and whatever I want over the phone, that's what I do.
I'm serious.
So I call up immigration and the lady answers the phone
with an attitude right out of the gate.
She was like, "hi, hi, IMS, what can I do for you today?"
I was like, "hi. Yes, hi.
I've been in the States, I don't know,
about 17 years at this point, and I'm trying to see
if I can speed up my citizenship process."
She goes, "okay, baby. Well, let me look up your file here.
What's your last name?"
I was like, "oh, my last name? My last name is Amer.
A-M-E-R. It's almost like America without the ica."
(forced chuckle)
(audience laughing and applauding)
"Oh, that's cute, baby. That's really cute.
But what's your first name?"
"My first name? My first name is Muhammad."
"Oh, quit playing baby. No, really, what's your first name?"
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "that is my first name."
She's like,
"oh, you ain't gonna get your citizenship, baby."
(audience laughing and applauding)
"Please hold."
I was like, "what the fuck is happening?"
This lady puts me on hold and the hold music was.
♪ Never gonna get it, never gon' get it ♪
(audience laughing and applauding)
And then she picked up the phone, real quick and goes.
♪ Woo, woo, woo ♪
And hangs up.
(audience laughing and applauding)
She's originally Chinese, which is fine,
but she had a really thick Chinese accent,
which is fine also.
I just didn't see it coming together like this at the end.
She was more excited for me than I was for myself.
I turned the corner and she was like,
"oh, today big day. Today, big day."
I was like, "is this the American citizenship office?"
She's like, "yeah, yeah, you're in the right place.
Come in, come in, come in, sit down, sit down, sit down."
She goes, "okay, fuck question."
I was like what?
(audience laughing)
"Did you just say fuck question?"
(audience laughing)
She didn't even stutter.
She was like, "yeah, yeah, fuck question."
(audience laughing)
She goes,
"okay, who the fuck President of the United States?"
(audience laughing and applauding)
I was like, "Bush."
She was like, "correct!"
She's like, "come on, I know you praying.
I look at you file. You've been waiting here 20 years.
Here's a Mohammad key chain. Congratulations."
(audience laughing and applauding)
It was that fast. It was like, oh my God, this is so easy.
And then she goes,
"no, no, you have to go to interview."
And it's just like one more interrogation
for old time's sake, you know?
(audience laughing and applauding)
Standing out there, I got to know this guy named Javier.
We became really close. We're both nervous together.
I'm like, (speaking foreign language).
(audience laughing)
(speaking foreign language)
All of a sudden the door opens up.
(door noise)
"Come on in."
"Me or Javier?"
(audience laughing)
"You sir, please. Come on in."
He's pointing at me. "Javier (speaking foreign language)."
(audience laughing)
"Sit down." "Okay."
"Please answer yes or no to the following questions."
"Okay. I mean, yes, no."
(audience laughing)
Fuck question.
(audience laughing)
"Have you ever been involved with or given funds to,
from the time period of 1933 to 1945, with the Nazi party?"
I was like, "what?
I was like, "oh, you're kidding,
I thought you were serious, man. You had me so nervous."
"Please answer yes or no."
"I was not involved with the Nazi party at all."
(audience laughing and applauding)
"I wasn't even born. I don't know what to tell you."
(audience laughing and applauding)