( LAUGHTER ) EVERYONE KNOWS I LOVE CELEBRITY
LIFESTYLE BRAND GOOP, AND GWYNETH PALTROW, THE
WELLNESSMONGER FAMOUS FOR HER $66 JADE VAGINA EGGS, "STICKERS
THAT PROMOTE HEALING" FOR $120, AND THIS $435 ANTI-AGING MASK
MEANT TO REDUCE WRINKLES AND APPROPRIATE FOR MOST ORGIES.
THEIR LATEST PRODUCT TAKING THE INTERNET BY STORM IS A CANDLE
ENTITLED "THIS SMELLS LIKE MY VAGINA."
OKAY.
I HAVE QUESTIONS.
AND I'M NOT SURE HOW TO ASK ANY OF THEM, BUT LET'S START WITH
"WHOSE?" ( LAUGHTER )
GWYNETH'S?
BECAUSE I'LL BUY THE EGG, BUT I JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS.
THIS IS THE MOST TALKED-ABOUT ITEM PUT OUT BY AN OSCAR WINNER
SINCE JACK LEMMON'S "THIS AIR FRESHENER LOOKS LIKE MY PENIS".
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH, JACK LEMMON!
IRONICALLY NOT LEMON SCENTED.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
NATURALLY, THIS THING COST, $75 AND WAS IMMEDIATELY SOLD OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) UNTIL THEY RE-STOCK, YOU'LL JUST
HAVE TO SETTLE FOR "THIS CANDLE SMELLS LIKE A PINE TREE'S ASS."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT
GOOPETH!
SHE'S ALWAYS THINKING, ALWAYS MOVING, NEVER SITTING STILL.
PARTLY BECAUSE SITTING IS TOUGH WITH THAT MANY PRODUCTS IN
THE OL' GOOP CHUTE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHY NETFLIX JUST
ANNOUNCED A GOOPY NEW TV SHOW, TWEETING, "GWYNETH PALTROW
WELCOMES YOU TO THE GOOP LAB!" I DON'T GET WHAT SHE'S DOING
INSIDE THOSE CONCENTRIC CROSS-SECTIONS OF A FOOTBALL.
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEW SHOW EXPLORES EVERYTHING
THAT'S TOO CRAZY FOR THE INTERNET.
>> WHAT HAPPENS IN A WORKSHOP?" >> EVERYONE GETS OFF.
>> WHAT THE (BLEEP) ARE YOU DOING TO PEOPLE?
>> WHAT WE TRY TO DO AT GOOP IS EXPLORE IDEAS THAT MAY SEEM OUT
THERE OR-- TOO SCARY.
>> STEPHEN: NOTHING SCARY ABOUT A THOUSAND PINS IN YOUR FACE.
I SAW IT YEARS AGO IN THAT POPULAR WELLNESS DOCUMENTARY
"HELLRAISER."
( LAUGHTER ) "WELCOME TO THE PIT OF ENDLESS
TORMENT.
HELP YOURSELF TO SOME CUCUMBER WATER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) "THE GOOP LAB" WILL INTRODUCE US
TO THE MOST GROUNDBREAKING SCIENTIF-ISH WELLNESS
TECHNIQUES.
>> I... HAD AN EXORCISM.
>> OH, WOOOOOW.
>> I WENT THROUGH YEARS OF THERAPY IN ABOUT FIVE HOURS.
I STARTED TO FEEL, LIKE A PANIC ATTACK COMING ON.
SHE KNEW SOMETHING THAT MY HUSBAND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.
>> YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE VULVA.
>> Stephen: OKAY -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- FOR THE RECORD, THAT'S NOT WELLNESS THERAPY.
SHE'S MAKING CANDLES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, AAAHHH!
AAAHHH!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: POINT IS, GOOP LAB
PROMISES ONE THING -- >> THIS IS DANGEROUS.
>> IT'S UNREGULATED.
>> SHOULD I BE SCARED?
WE'RE HERE ONE TIME, ONE LIFE, HOW CAN WE REALLY MILK THE
(BLEEP) OUT OF THIS?" >> STEPHEN: NOW, IF YOU CYNICS
THINK "THE GOOP LAB" IS A CASH GRAB THAT EXPLOITS PEOPLE'S FEAR
OF AGING AND SACRIFICES THEIR SAFETY TO PEDDLE
PSEUDO-SCIENTIFIC, NEW-AGEY GARBAGE... WELL-SPOTTED.
( LAUGHTER ) AND DADDY WANTS IN!
>> Jon: HA HA!
OH, MY!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S WHERE MY OWN HIGH-END LIFESTYLE BRAND, COVETTON HOUSE,
COMES IN.
WE'RE LAUNCHING A NEW TELEVISION SHOW CALLED "COVETTON YURT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CALMING MUSIC )
>> BAROQUE SIMPLICITY, SHABBY ELEGANCE, GIVE ME MONEY.
COVETTON HOUSE.
>> Stephen: NAMASTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME TO "COVETTON YURT."
IN THE YURT, WE EXPLORE IDEAS THAT ARE TOO "OUT THERE" OR "TOO
SCARY" FOR SCIENCE.
ARE YOU DANGEROUS ENOUGH TO FIND OUT IF THIS $8,000 BOTTLE OF
UNPASTEURIZED GIRAFFE MILK WILL ALLEVIATE YOUR ANXIETY?
WE'VE ONLY GOT ONE GIRAFFE.
LET'S MILK THE (BLEEP) OUT OF HER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IS THIS MAN A PSYCHIC WHO
CAN SUMMON AN INCUBUS TO STIMULATE YOUR G-SPOT, OR IS HE
A VAGRANT I CAUGHT STEALING MY MAIL AND GAVE HIM A SANDWICH TO
POSE FOR THIS PHOTO?
THE ANSWER IS IN THE YURT.
AND SO IS HE.
HE REALLY NEEDS A PLACE TO CRASH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOE SCARBOROUGH AND MIKA BRZEZINSKI!