When I was about 12
my parents moved
to a section of the Bronx
and I had this grandmother
who had this thick, Polish accent
*so ven she spoke Engleesh*
*she spoke a lot like this*
*This is not an exaggeration!*
We had ham in the house.
We'd put the ham in the
back of the fridge
and covered it over with
fruits and vegetables
so she wouldn't see.
I was a happy little girl.
Growing up in New Jersey
in a Jewish family
we were conservative...
I remember as a child
going to a synagogue...
The synagogue I went to
I didn't like it at all.
It was like a big fashion show
and I felt really out of it.
The men going through the prayerbook
*mumble mumble*
You didn't even know where they were.
I didn't understand anything
that was going on
it was all in Hebrew
which I didn't know.
Am I on page 162? Page 82?
And if you ask...
What is..?
Where are we in the prayerbook?
What are we talking about?
The answer was "Shhh!"
"Quiet! Quiet down!"
It's not a way to bring anybody
into a relationship with God.
Saturday morning
my dad got up
he was getting ready for work.
I said goodbye to him
and I sat down by a window
and watched his car disappear from sight.
And that was the last time
I ever saw him.
Because he died
suddenly of a heart attack.
I remember even as a little child
seven years old, thinking:
Where did my dad go?
And feeling like I had died
with my dad.
I figured something out myself
I decided I have to talk to God
about this.
So at night when I would
go to sleep
I would pray:
Please send my dad back.
And then I would say Psalm 23:
"The Lord is my shepherd"
"I shall not want"...
And I did it for a few months
and then it became clear to me
that God wasn't going to
send my dad back.
And I just kinda gave up.
So I was at this
Anti-Vietnam War demonstration
against Nixon's policies
in Vietnam at the time.
And this woman walks up to me
who was very clean-cut...
She didn't look like
the rest of us hippies,
and said, "Would you like to know"
"something about the Bible"
"or Jesus Christ?"
I said, "No!"
I was very scornful
and off she went
and off I went.
God was not anywhere in the
picture of my life at this point.
I just was really into
sex and drugs and rock and roll.
So I went to the Bronx for this party.
There was a group of people
and it was a full-blown orgy.
I had never seen anything like that.
I had never participated in anything like that.
But I joined in.
After it was all over,
I looked at what was going on
I felt disgusted with my soul.
I felt so horrible for
what I had participated in.
Although I really didn't know why
I felt bad - that's the truth.
I did not know why I felt bad.
I was hungry for some spiritual reality
which I did not have.
So I walked into this dance
Freshman orientation dance
and out of the corner of my eye
I see this guy come across the floor...
There was a song by the Rolling Stones
playing over the air called Brown Sugar
"Brown Sugar"...
and he's like, you know,
he's got this look on his face
I had this keychain I was twirling
Next thing I know, he turns around
comes back...
towards me...
I am tanned, my hair is blond,
my muscles are bristling
He's so full of himself!
And I looked cool.
Gosh. Such a loser.
I said, "Would you like to dance?"
Alright, I'll dance with him
nobody else has asked me to dance.
So I get up, and I start dancing with him
and it's very clear to me that
he is stoned out of his mind.
Had to sorta sober me up a little bit that night.
You know, I took him into the girls' room
and I poured water on his head
and he said, "Would you be my girlfriend?"
"No, I have a boyfriend, it's OK."
and my heart just ... phew!
I was really taken by her.
We did a lot of drugs together.
He took so much LSD
I was like... what is wrong with you?
You're gonna blow your mind!
But he - I think he wanted to.
It was my drug of choice.
He was doing this crazy dance
and I'm thinking to myself,
Wow! I really like him!
And all of a sudden
I just fell in love with him
as he was doing an acid trip
and dancing in front of me.
This girl who had met me at the
Anti-Vietnam War demonstration
I ran into her.
We would take these long walks
and she would try to explain to me
why Jesus was the Messiah
of the Jewish people.
She said, "Look, Doug, I would like you to"
"read the 53rd chapter of the book of Isaiah."
I could not deny that the book was
about a Jewish man suffering
on behalf of the sins of the Jewish nation.
A blood sacrifice that would cover
for all mankind.
Once for all.
It's true.
He's the Messiah of our people.
Even though we did not understand.
The Bible says that God will
take from you the heart of stone
and I'll give you a heart of flesh.
If this is true
and I'm going to believe this stuff
I'm going to pay a serious price.
All my friends are Jewish.
My parents are Jewish.
My grandparents are VERY Jewish.
My quest for truth was more important
than maintaining my ties
with my friends.
Doug was starting to search for God.
I would share with her
and she couldn't quite accept it.
This was the craziest thing I'd ever heard.
Who searches for God?
I was attracted to the occult.
I had no interest in religion, but
the occult was very fascinating to me.
And I was starting to practice something
called astral projection.
Your soul body can come out of you
and it does what's called "soul travel".
You can go anywhere and you can control people.
And I decided to practice this
astral projection.
Everybody was asleep but me
and it worked for the first time.
I felt this part of me leave
but something else came into me
that was dark and evil.
And it spoke to me - not audibly
but kind of from within me
"Good is evil, and evil is good"
"and the only reason that you believe"
"that good is good is because"
"your mother told you that. But she"
"doesn't know what she's talking about."
"Follow me and I'll give you"
"everything you ever wanted."
And I was scared.
It was like this dark, foreboding
feeling... and I thought to myself,
I have to get rid of this thing.
And so I looked out the window
and I saw light, out the window
and I thought to myself, OK,
I think light is good, right?
If I just keep my eye on that light
I will be OK - maybe this thing will leave.
And as I was looking at the light
It went out!
And I screamed.
She was just panicking, and I didn't know
what to do, I didn't know what to say.
I think I held her
and he said to me, "OK, let's pray"
Then we recited Psalm 23:
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want"
"He makes me lie down in green pastures"
We got up
off the mattresses, and as soon as I
walked out of the house, I felt
like the darkness left me.
And I was mad.
Doug said to me, "You've got to get rid"
"of those occult books."
Why are you messing with this stuff?
This stuff is meshugas it's crazy!
It's not going to get you anywhere
"And you've got to start looking for God"
"for the GOOD God, not this evil stuff"
"This good God."
And I was like, "Yes, yes! I will do anything!"
And he had a Bible for me.
So I started reading the book of Isaiah
I got to chapter 30
it's like the ceiling in my dorm room
started to open up,
something was being drawn back
and I'm reading these words:
"Though the Lord give you"
"the bread of adversity"
"and the water of affliction"
"yet your teacher will not remove himself"
"into a corner anymore"
"but your eyes will see your teacher"
"and your ears will hear a voice behind you"
"saying, 'This is the way, walk in it'".
And at that moment,
as I'm reading those words
it was like the presence of God
came into my room and
filled me with peace.
And it was like he was saying to me,
"I was there."
"I was there when your daddy died."
"I saw what that was to you"
"I heard those prayers"
"and I have been with you ever since then"
"I love you, and I want to be in your life."
And I just got down on my knees
and I just said,
"Oh my God! It's JESUS!!"
I knew who it was.
Everywhere I went, I felt like God was with me
and I knew that he was never going to
leave me or forsake me.
He was going to stay with me.
And of course I ran and I told Doug
I was relieved
that we'd be able to continue our journey
together.