BUT OF COURSE TONIGHT IT WAS THE FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
WE TAPED THIS SHOW RIGHT BEFORE THE DEBATE BEGAN.
REG, WILL YOU BE WATCHING AFTER THIS STH.
>> Reggie: THE DEBAIT.
>> THE DE-BAIT.
>> I WILL, FOR SURE.
>> James: WILL YOU.
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT TRUMP CANCELS OR JUST BAILS
AFTER FIVE MINUTES?
>> I DON'T KNOW, THEY GOT A LOT OF CAMERAS THERE, AND THAT DUDE
LOVERS ATTENTION, RIGHT?
LIKE I COULD MAKE A SCENE AT A BUFFET BUT IF THEY GOT ORANGE
CHICKEN AND PIZZA WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, LEAVE?
>> James: EXACTLY.
(APPLAUSE) 100 PERCENT T IS ALSO THE ONLY
PLACE THAT'S ACCEPTABLE.
>> THOSE TWO FOODS IN THE SAME PLACE.
>> James: ONLY PLACE IT IS ACCEPTABLE.
>> THAT'S IT.
IF THOSE WERE BOTH ON THE MENU AT ANOTHER RESTAURANT YOU WOULD
LEAVE, YOU WOULD TAKE YOUR FAMILY, WOULD YOU CALL YOUR
FRIENDS.
>> James: YOU WOULD BE JUDGED BY EVERYONE AROUND YOU.
ARE YOU HAVING WHAT?
YEAH, YEAH, I'M HAVING PIZZA SOME FRIES, THIS NOODLE DISH,
SOME OF EGG ROLLS, ORANGE CHICKEN AND THEN A LITTLE BIT OF
SASHIMI.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL SQUEEZE ON TO THAT PLATE?
JUST LIKE A LOT OF JELLO.
>> James: AND THAT'S IT, THAT'S MY PLATE.
>> I DON'T WANT TO WALK BACK FROM A BUFFET UNLESS I HAVE TO
WALK SO SLOWLY.
MY WALK TO THE BUFFET AND AWAY FROM THE BUFFET COULD NOT BE
MORE DIFFERENT.
I STRIDE, I STRIDE TO THE BUFFET LIKE THIS.
[BLEEP] GET IN THERE NOW.
AND I WAKE BACK LIKE THIS.
(LAUGHTER) WHERE ARE THE RIBS?
YOU GOT RUBS?
I'M SURE THEY COVERED ALL OF THIS ON COLBERT ALREADY.
(LAUGHTER) HERE WE GO, LIVE ON KOL BEDDER,
WE OPEN WITH A LOT OF BUFFET STUFF.
TONIGHT'S DEBATE WAS HELD ON THE CAMPUS OF BOAL MONTH UNIVERSITY
IN NASHVILLE TENNESSEE.
THERE WERE SIX TOPICS ANNOUNCED FOR TONIGHT'S DEBATE, FIGHTING
COVID, AMERICAN FAMILIES, RACE IN AMERICA, CLIMATE CHANGE,
NATIONAL SECURITY AND LEADERSHIP.
OR AS TRUMP CALLS THAT, HOAX, WHO CARES, FAKE NEWS, HOAX,
NATIONAL SECURITY AND LOCKUP JOE BIDEN.
BUT TONIGHT'S DE BAILT NEW RULES WERE ISSUED FOR AUDIENCE MEMBERS
WITHOUT EXCEPTION, ANY AUDIENCE MEMBER WITHOUT A MASK WOULD BE
THROWN OUT.
WHEN SHE HEARD THAT MELANIA IMMEDIATELY RIPPED HER MASK OFF.
THIS IS NASHVILLE SO OF COURSE THEY PUT IT A DIFFERENT WAY,
THEY SAID ANYBODY NOT WEARING A MASK WILL BE FOSSED OUT ON THAWR
BADONKADONK.
YEAH, OKAY, I CAN'T SAY THE WORD TOSSED, CLEARLY.
YES, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
THE BADONKADONK JOKE IS FINE, IF ONLY THERE WAS A HOAX TO DISPLAY
THE WORD TOSS, AS YOU MAY RECALL TRUMP'S FAMILY MEMBERS TOOK OFF
THEIR MASK AFTER ARRIVING AT THE FIRST DEBATE.
AND IN THEIR DEFENSE, THEY HAD ARE A GOOD REASON.
THEY WERE TRYING TO GIVE COBIDEN DOE VID.
MEANWHILE EARLIER TODAY PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS TRYING TO
GET OUT AHEAD OF THE DEBATE BY RELEASING THE FOOTAGE OF HIS
UPCOMING INTER-- INTERVIEW WITH LESLEY STAHL.
HE SAID HE WANTED PEOPLE TO SEE HOW UNFAWRLY HE WAS STREET,
WATCH THE INTERRUPTIONS AND ANGER COMPARED MY FLEE FLOWING
AND MAGNIFICENTLY BRILLIANT ANSWERS.
>> FULL FLOWING AND MAGNIFICENTLY BRILLIANT.
SOUNDS LIKE HE IS DESCRIBING A HORSES MANE IT IS AMAZING SHOW
THAT IS WAS EASY FOR FOR TRUMP TO RELEASE UNAUTHORIZED FOOTAGE
FROM A MAJOR TELEVISION NETWORK THAN TO RELEASE HIS OWN TAXES.
THAT GOT HIM.
>> THAT GOT HIM.
>> APPARENTLY LESLEY STAHL MADE IT CLEAR TO TRUMP THAT SHE
PLANNED TO ASK HIM SOME DIFFICULT QUESTIONS DURING THE
INTERVIEW AND TRUMP WASN'T HAVING ANY OF IT.
>> YOU REALLY READY FOR TOUGH QUESTIONS.
NO.
>> MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE STARTED BY EXPLAINING TO HIM WHAT AN
INTERVIEW IS.
IT IS A SERIES OF TOUGH QUESTIONS.
HE IS THE SITTING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, LESS THAN TWO
WEEKS AWAY FROM AN ELECTION IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORLDWIDE
PANDEMIC WATCH.
DID HE THINK SHE WAS GOING TO ASK.
TELL ME, WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON OF THE SIMPSONS.
>> BUT LESLEY IS PARTLY TO BLAME FOR THIS ONE.
YOU CAN'T START A QUESTION TO DONALD TRUMP WITH ARE YOU READY
FOR, AND NOT END WITH SOME FOOTBALL!
AND ANOTHER POINT IN THE INTERVIEW TRUMP TURNS AND
STARTED TALKING TO MIKE PENCE WHO WAS ALSO THERE IN THE ROOM
WITH HIM.
AND HE ASKED PENCE TO BACK HIM UP ABOUT HIS UNFAIR TREATMENT.
>> MIKE, IS THAT-- YOU KNOW MIKE, RIGHT.
OUR VICE PRESIDENT.
>> I DO.
>> DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD ASK QUESTIONS LIKE THIS AS-- DO YOU
THINK SHE ASKS QUESTIONS LIKE THIS TO JOE.
>> James: THE CRAZY THING IS THAT WAS PROBABLY THE LEAST
CREEPY SCENARIO WHERE TRUMP HAS ASKED SOMEONE, ARE YOU HAVING A
GOOD TIME WATCHING?
(LAUGHTER) ALTHOUGH I LIKE THAT TRUMP
INTRODUCED THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WITH YOU KNOW
MIKE, OUR GREAT VICE PRESIDENT.
YOU KNOW, THE GUY, THAT HAS GOT THE FLY ON HIS HEAD.
BUT TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY ONE GETTING OUT THERE BEFORE THE
DEBATE.
PRESIDENT OBAMA WAS ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL FOR JOE BIDEN AND
LAST NIGHT HE SPOKE AT A DRIVE-IN RALLY IN PHILADELPHIA.
OBAMA REALLY PULLED NO PUNCHES DUING THE SMEECH.
HERE HE IS CONDEMNING TRUMP'S BEHAVIOR AS UNACCEPTABLE FOR A
PRESIDENT.
>> THAT'S NOT NORMAL PRESIDENTIAL BEHAVIOR.
WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IT FROM A HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL.
WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IT FROM A COACH.
WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IT FROM A COWORKER.
WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IN OUR OWN FAMILY EXCEPT FOR MAYBE CRAZY
UNCLE SOMEWHERE, YOU KNOW,-- .
>> James: HE CALLED IT TRUMP A CRAZY UNCLE.
BUT THE TRUTH IS HE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
IS HE A CRAZY HUSBAND, A CRAZY FATHER AND [BLEEP] HE IS
SOMEONE'S CRAZY SON.
TELL YOU WHAT, OBAMA IS LOOKING GOOD THOUGH, ISN'T HE?
LOOK AT THAT.
I SEE A BRAVE MOVE, NOT MANY PEOPLE CAN PULL OFF WEARING A
BABY BLUE SHIRT GIVING A SPEECH UNDER LIGHT, I WOULD BE BEYOND
PARANOID ABOUT PATCHES.
THAT IS WHY I WEAR THIS JACKET ALL THE TIME, MY ARMPITS ARE
CRYING UNDER HERE.
IF I WORE A BABY BLUE SHIRT AND ONLY A BABY BLUE SHIRT I WOULD
DO THE ENTIRE SPEECH LIKE THIS.
THEN I WOULD HAVE TO DRINK WATER LIKE TRUMP.
SORRY, YOU WERE SAYING? COULD YOU PULL OFF A BABY BLUE FOR A
SPEECH?
>> NO, NO, NO.
I WOULD LOOK LIKE A COLLEGE BASKETBALL COUCH WHO HAD MONEY
ON THE GAME, I WOULD BE SWEATING SO BAD.
AT ONE POINT OBAMA BLASTED TRUMP FOR EMBRACING CONSPIRACY
THEORIES.
>> YOU WILL BE ABLE TO GO ABOUT YOUR LIVES KNOWING THAT THE
PRESIDENT IS NOT GOING TO RETWEET CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
ABOUT SECRET CABALS RUNNING THE WORLD OR THAT NAVY SEALS DIDN'T
ACTUALLY KILL BIN LADEN.
THINK ABOUT THAT.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES RETWEETED THAT.
IMAGINE, WHAT, WHAT?
>> I DON'T THINK ANYTHING SUMS UP THE LAST FOUR YEARS BETTER
THAN WHAT?
WHAT?
HE SAID THAT WITH BIDEN WE WOON HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT RETWEETING CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT SECRET CABALS
RUNNING THE WORLD.
SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE SOMETHING THE HEAD OF ILLUMINATI WOULD
SAY.
BUT HE MAKES A GOOD POINT.
IT WILL BE SO NICE NOT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT THE PRESIDENT
RETWEETING CONSPIRACY THEORIES, MAINLY BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT
JOE BIDEN HAS NO IDEA WHAT A RETWEET IS.
HE'S LIKE A RETWEET?
OH, I LOVE THEM, THOSE LITTLE MARSHMALLOWS YOU GET AT EASTER,
THE RETWEET, OH, IF I HAVE ONE, I HAVE FIVE.
NOW IF ALL OF THIS HAS YOU UNBELIEVABLY STRESSED OUT,
TONIGHT'S DEBATE, THE UPCOMING ELECTION, DON'T WORRY THERE WAS
A NEW WELLNESS TREND THAT MAYBE FOR YOU, TO RELIEVE TENSION MORE
AND MORE PEOPLE, THIS IS TRUE, HAVE STARTED HUGGING COWS.
SERIOUSLY, APPARENTLY HUGGING A COW RELEASES A BONDING HORMONE
BY RELIEVES STRESS.
I MEAN IT RELIEVES YOUR STRESS.
THE COW IS LIKE GET THIS PERSON OFF ME.
WEIRDER, THE COWS ARE A GREAT SOURCE OF WELLNESS.
I ACTUALLY PREFER THE MEDIUM WELLNESS.
I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING, KIDDING, I'M A VEGAN.
IN TERMS OF WELLNESS TRENDS, YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT GOOP, THIS IS
MOOP.
BY GO WHENNETTE COW-LTR OW.
MOOP BY ITSELF, BARELY WORKS.
I MIGHT HAVE SUAVED IT WITH GWYNETH COW-TTROA, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY, THAT IS THE END OF THE MONOLOGUE.