I'm here with Hans and Simon.
Is that right?
Which one are you? (laughs) No, no.
What? I'm Franz.
Franz, I thought you were Hans.
No, Franz.
And you're, what are you, you're Dietrich?
You're Simon.
Simon...
Hans. Hans.
No, Franz.
Franz.
What?
Franz.
Arrgh.
I've had a lot of these.
Today I want to learn traditional Bavarian dance.
You guys are experts.
We are.
You are brothers.
This is the, what is happening now?
There's a vest here.
That's a vest, yes.
This is like sort of like a leprechaun thing.
And then you have-
These are lederhosen.
Well, they're bondage shorts.
What's going on with the socks?
[Franz] It's called loferl.
I'm sure that's German for pieces of socks.
(audience laughing)
What's going on here?
You've got two spoons in your pocket,
what do you use those for?
(spoons tapping) (folk music)
(audience applause)
It hurts!
It's painful.
You brought a musician with you?
Appreciate you leaving your cuckoo clock to be here.
(audience laughing)
It's a big house.
How do you say "zing" in German?
Zing, got him.
Right?
Yeah.
You guys have worked together before?
Yes, we, have.
Are you their father?
(audience laughing)
You're the father.
No one told me that!
What the hell?
You just found out that this is your father?
(audience laughing)
Suddenly I'm the German Maury Povich.
I deserve a swig after that.
I think I should begin, learn some dance,
we're gonna learn some, what kind of dancing is it called?
Schuhplattler.
You can't learn the Schuhplattler
when you don't look like a Bavarian.
(accordion fanfare)
(audience cheers and claps)
I’m ready to learn. Looking good.
Good to see you.
Groupa, schtarmia, let us begin.
(singing in foreign language)
(Conan holds a high note)
(Conan sings in foreign language)
(audience cheers)
We're gonna show you what you got yourself into.
Okay.
(shoes tapping)
(folk music)
(shrieking)
You think I could learn this?
But I'm not like your sons, you can't beat me
with a wooden stick to make me dance.
They didn't want this, this isn't what they wanted.
They wanted to work with computers.
(audience laughing)
No, no!
They can do both.
(audience laughing)
Come on. Come on.
The guy's a monster.
One, two, three, four, onetzee, pantzee, badampampam.
I mean close enough.
Closer, please.
Closer.
Stick.
You guys know what I'm talking about.
So one, two, three, four, pa-
Where are your hands?
Exactly.
You knew where my hands were.
Don't be a dick and say "Where are they?"
I think we know where they are.
How come you have no accent?
I don't understand what's happening here.
First of all you are, I mean, clearly
you were carved out of a sausage.
(audience laughing)
And then you actually seem like a German guy.
This guy is like,
"Dude, let's wax up the board, let's catch some rays."
What's happened to him?
Do you know Billy Joel's the piano man?
Yeah, I've heard about.
(speaks in German)
We're not talking about that.
I'm just asking if you knew Billy Joe's the piano man,
that's all.
Later on.
First work, then the fun.
(audience laughing)
Fun childhood for both of you.
Two, three, hit it.
Hey, one second.
Again, ah?
So you play-
I think you started a little early.
No, I just gave you the chance to be in the right spot.
[Franz] So Conan, come on.
Does he ever admit he's wrong?
No.
One recommendation, group therapy.
Would you think about it, with your two sons?
(audience laughing)
So you're saying no therapy, let's just keep
with this insane scheme of yours,
to make your children dance and dance and dance
until the grave.
Ready?
Just one suggestion.
Don't spread your fingers like this.
We know you have 10 fingers.
It looks better to do that.
(audience laughing)
(audience aupplause)
Two, three, four.
(hands and shoes tapping) (folk music)
(shrieking)
(audience cheering and clapping)
Pretty good.
You know, I'm only in town for a couple days.
I think this is pretty good.
Now, I know not by this guy's standards.
There are certainly a few things which we could improve.
You just do like, you just hit us.
Got it?
(hands tapping)
Oh.
(audience laughing)
Hey!
Which one hit me in the face?
Who did that?
You guys have been doing this since you were fetuses.
I mean, literally you were born,
your dad squeezed you into some leather pants,
started hitting you with the wooden spoons,
and making you live out this sick dream.
And now you're ganging up on me.
And I don't like it.
I wanna bring in someone who's the most German guy I know.
Could you come in here, please?
Wie geht es, boys.
Andy.
What are you doing here?
Well, this is the only place
I can really be in my natural state
without breaking up too many marriages (laughs).
Hear these?
This is like the reason you put a bell on a cat.
So it can't catch too many birds.
Ladies gonna be sneaking up on us.
Because of your German roots,
I think this is gonna come very natural for you.
Alright, let's give it a try.
Okay.
(folk music)
(hands tapping)
(shrieking)
You condone this?
(audience laughing)
Yes.
Brother-on-brother ass play, that's insane.
That's kinda weird.
Yeah.
Hold on.
(folk music)
(audience laughing an cheering)
You enjoyed watching that?
Us slapping each other's asses?
You like that?
It's part of the show.
Oh yeah, everything's part of your little show, isn't it?
I know what you've been doing,
and it stops now.
It stops now.
(folk music)