It would not be the holidays if I didn't do my annual holiday
shopping at the mall monologue.
I don't understand why people still go to the mall.
I don't understand it.
You can do all your shopping online at home
without even putting pants on.
Although if you've been to a 7-11 after midnight,
people shop like that anyway.
The mall is a nightmare.
It really is.
You start to-- just trying to find a parking spot, which
is always impossible, and it doesn't
help that they decided to sell Christmas trees at the mall.
Takes up half the parking lot, and it's confusing.
I brought a tree home and I didn't
realize till I got it home there was
one of those smart cars underneath it.
I bought-- I was, like why is this so expensive?
It's because there was a car attached--
I don't know why this is happening.
I'm just-- all the good spaces are
saved for expectant mothers.
And the good thing is it takes long enough
that you can actually become an expectant mother circling.
Again, I don't know what's happening.
Then you get inside, it's chaos in the mall.
Everybody has a different plan.
It seems like women and men shop differently.
Women like to take their time and enjoy the experience.
Men, they like to get in and out,
get what they want, finish as quickly as possible.
I'm still talking about shopping.
I've noticed there are a lot of non-shoppers at the mall.
You've got your seniors walking laps.
You've got the kids to see Santa.
Some people are just in line at the Wetzel's Pretzels
for free samples.
I call those people my writer, Roy.
Troy.
I call him Troy and Roy.
I want to help you out.
Here's what I did.
I transformed the Riff-Raff Room into a mall.
So you can sit on Santa's lap.
There he is back there.
Also there's a Wetzel's Pretzel stand, and there's--
yeah.
That's Roy slash Troy in there.
We have seniors walking around.
There they are.
After the show, head back there.
You can do all your holiday shopping,
get it all done today.
You're welcome.