YOU KNOW, JON, I SPEND SO MANY TIME MINING ALL THE BIGGEST
HUNKS OF NEWS COAL FOR YOU YOU.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO MAKE A SLURRY FROM THE LITTLE BITS OF
NEWS SLAG, AND DISCHARGE IT INTO THE SUPERFUND SITE THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A MOVEMENT!
MEANWHILE, ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL YESTERDAY, BETO O'ROURKE HELD A
TOWN HALL MEETING IN DETROIT, AND THE INTERNET LOST THEIR
COLLECTIVE MIND.
NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT HE SAID, BUT BECAUSE HE SQUATTED ON THE
COUNTER LIKE A YOUTH PASTOR GETTIN' REAL.
( LAUGHTER )
DISREGARD FOR CLEANLINESS, OR HE'S AUDITIONING TO BE THE
WORLD'S MOST BORING STRIPPER.
( LAUGHTER )
'SPACE HERPES' WARNING BECAUSE THE VIRUS REACTIVATES IN
ASTRONAUTS," DUE TO "THE STRESS ON THE BODY OF SPACEFLIGHT."
REACHED FOR COMMENT, ASTRONAUTS SAID "GREAT, NOW THE WHOLE WORLD
KNOWS WE HAVE HERPES!
I WAS HOPING FOR SOME MADE-IT-BACK-TO-EARTH SEX.
NOW THEY KNOW THAT, SHALL WE SAY, MY CAPSULE IS BURNING UP ON
REENTRY."
>> Jon: WOW, WOW.
CHECK THE LEVEL THERE.
>> Stephen: HOUSTON...
( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN DIRTY BIRD NEWS, PIGEONS WITH TINY BACKPACKS ARE
GATHERING CLIMATE DATA NOW.
SO FAR, THE DATA INCLUDES "I THINK THAT'S A FRENCH FRY ON THE
SIDEWALK."
AND "YES, THAT WAS A FRENCH FRY ON THE SIDEWALK."
MEANWHILE, A NEW HOME HAS BEEN FOUND FOR SOME GEESE IN KAILUA,
HAWAII.
SOME PRIVATE LANDOWNERS WANTED THE GEESE OFF THEIR PROPERTY,
BUT THERE WAS A PUBLIC OUTCRY AFTER "AN EXTERMINATOR HAD BEEN
SENT TO KILL ALL THE DUCKS AND GEESE ON ENCHANTED LAKE."
>> Audience: OOOO"H"!
>> Stephen: MIGHT BE TIME TO REASSESS YOUR CAREER CHOICES
WHEN YOU'RE WAKING UP IN THE MORNING SAYING "WELL, TIME TO
KILL EVERYTHING AT ENCHANTED LAKE."
IT'S GREAT THAT THE GEESE WILL BE RELOCATED, BUT WHY DID THE
LANDOWNER WANT THEM GONE SO BADLY?
WELL, I THINK I FOUND A CLUE, BECAUSE THE GEESE'S NAMES ARE
"ONESIE, TWOSEY, PEEBEE, IRIS AND SCREAMER."
THANKS A LOT, SCREAMER!
WE HAD A GREAT THING GOING UP AT ENCHANTED LAKE AND YOU HAD TO
GO-- AND HE'S SCREAMING AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER )
FROM THE C.D.C. AFTER THEY FOUND THAT, OF THE 11 PEOPLE AFFECTED
BY A RECENT SALMONELLA OUTBREAK, "10 OF THEM REPORTED CONTACT
WITH A HEDGEHOG."
AND THEY'RE WARNING OWNERS "DON'T KISS OR SNUGGLE
HEDGEHOGS, BECAUSE THIS CAN SPREAD SALMONELLA GERMS TO YOUR
FACE AND MOUTH AND MAKE YOU SICK."
TO SAY NOTHING OF THE FALSE EXPECTATIONS IT MAY RAISE FOR
THE HEDGEHOG ABOUT WHERE YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS GOING.
HEY, YOU WANTED AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP.
AND, YES, I'VE MET SOMEONE ELSE.
A PORCUPINE WITH SPINES YOU CAN ONLY DREAM OF.
MEANWHILE, THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF THE "FANTASTIC
BEASTS" FRANCHISE, "THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD" IS HITTING
BLU-RAY, AND J.K. ROWLING DROPPED A BOMBSHELL IN THE
COMMENTARY, "REVEALING THAT DUMBLEDORE AND
GRINDELWALD HAD AN "INCREDIBLY INTENSE" SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP."
THAT'S RIGHT.
DUMBLEDORE WAS A GRYFFINDOR IN THE STREETS, BUT A SLYTHERIN THE
SHEETS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ROWLING ADDED, "I'M LESS INTERESTED IN THE SEXUAL SIDE
THAN I AM IN THE SENSE OF THE EMOTIONS THEY FELT FOR EACH
OTHER, THOUGH I BELIEVE THERE IS A SEXUAL DIMENSION TO THIS
RELATIONSHIP."
WHICH HAS FANS PUMPED FOR THE NEXT SEQUEL, "HARRY POTTER AND
THE CAULDRON OF TOO MUCH INFORMATION."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRIS HAYES.