Hi.
How are you?
- Good, how are you? - Hi.
Hey, Dr. Jessica.
Communication is critical in a marriage.
And it's one of the reasons why there's
so much conflict in marriages, when couples aren't
effectively communicating.
I've brought some footage of some of your communication
with each other.
In working with couples a common strategy is to have them
re-enact a recent conflict.
We're taking that to the next level
by showing them footage of a recent conflict or argument
so that they can see how they're communicating.
Mia, I really don't--
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Because you can't communicate!
DR. JESSICA: What do you notice about that clip?
It looks like I'm kind of, like, on the defense
a little bit, just from, like, my stance and stuff.
So I pushed--
TRISTAN: And then so--
instead-- and I told you that.
MIA: Well then--
I told you.
So as I'm watching the videos, I'm kind of, like,
in shock at how I'm acting.
Because I'm just not doing anything.
It's so weird.
I guess I thought that I was communicating,
and that I was speaking how I was feeling.
But I'm not doing any of that.
So--
So I'm wondering if there are things
that make it hard for you to be present with Tristan
in this moment.
Actually, it kind of brings you back to my childhood.
Like if we were ever getting scolded at,
you know, I would just shut down--
like, not talk basically.
Because I didn't want to make it worse.
So I guess I kind of check out.
DR. JESSICA: So when you would get scolded--
and what would that look like?
Well, my parents were, like, super traditional.
And they were also raised in a different country.
So their way of disciplining is just a little bit different
than, I guess, like, most families.
Like, one of the things my dad would do before, you know,
it would escalate is, he would do,
like, the stare eye contact--
like, the death stare.
So the eye contact actually is intimidating?
MIA: Mm-hmm. - What else?
Anything you noticed in body language, tone of voice,
anything like that?
My mom is the one that's very, very vocal.
- Would she raise her voice? - Mm-hmm.
She would get really loud--
like, yelling.
How often did that happen?
Um, once or twice a week, up until I was, like, 16.
And that's why, when we're in arguments and stuff,
I just kind of check out and, just, like not
say or do anything in those moments,
to kind of protect myself.
I didn't know about Mia's past.
So I'm frustrated with myself, because
of raising my voice to her.
It is a stressor.
TRISTAN: I need a break.
[bleep]
Well, the thing is, the thing that I don't want you to do
is feel badly for telling him.
Tristan had a very strong reaction to hearing what Mia
has gone through in her life.
And Mia was concerned that she shouldn't
have told him anything.
In the longer-term, though, her disclosure to him, I think,
could potentially bring them closer together.
The two of you are doing, you know, incredibly well,
despite everything that you've gone through.
How are you feeling, knowing this has
happened in your wife's life?
It's tough.
I don't want to be angry at her parents.
And I don't want her to be resentful toward them.
But you still have that feeling of being punished.
I don't think, if I ever watched any of those clips
back, I would even know what I'm doing, you know?
I would have gone, like, 30-plus more years just doing
the same thing, not knowing what's causing it
or why I act that way.
So--
And you know, now, you're armed with this knowledge
and information.
And just by knowing that, you can
make changes in your communication going forward.
Tristan, when you got upset, next time this
happens, hand on my heart--
what do I need right now?
I need to take a break.
I need to get out of this room, get my head together
and collect my thoughts.
What does she need right now?
She needs to know I'm going to be back.
Mm-hmm.
DR. JESSICA: And then we're going to talk about this.
- Mm-hmm. - All right.
All right. It's a very simple strategy.
But just by doing that, you can ground yourself in the moment.
Meeting with Dr. Jessica made me
look to see things that I had to grow in, how
I need to grow as a husband.
I looked at this as a self-reflection
to helped me in every aspect of life.
And I really am grateful for it.
Now, you have this information, and you can make some changes
going forward, both of you.
And you want to be ride or die, like, this is the way to do it,
right-- and for the long-term.