-Yeah, I get it, Valentine's Day is comin' up
and you're alone.
It's not some easy fix either because you're not
just looking for a date.
You're definitely not looking for a one-night stand.
If anything, you're trying to forget
the last time that happened.
So let's cut the crap.
You're looking for love.
Love, we throw that word around all the time these days.
I love cheeseburgers. I love the beach.
I love that girl's Instagram profile pic.
I love every single episode of "Game of Thrones."
Back in the day, it wasn't like that.
Back in the day, love used to mea--
I'm sorry. How rude of me.
Name's Cupid.
[ Funky music plays ]
[ Tink! ]
You see, back in the day, the Greeks understood
that love was complicated.
So they came up with four different types of love.
The first is called philia.
I call it the "don't be a douche" type of love,
but someone more articulate than me would call it
the natural affection we feel towards our community,
friends, and acquaintances.
I'm in charge of giving this type of love to 90% of people.
And that's so they will be a good person in general
to the public.
Every once in a while I miss someone, though.
That explains the jerk-off in your office
who says racist jokes,
the guy who drives alone in the carpool lane,
or this whack job.
-The party's in my pants!
-I apologize for him.
The second type is storge,
which most people describe as a familial type of love.
That never seemed to have enough kick to it.
[ Acoustic guitar playing ]
You see, when you first become a --
Do you have kids? Look who I'm talking to.
Of course you don't have kids, you're probably a kid.
But let me let you in on a little secret
about your parents.
Whey they first brought you home, they hated you.
All right, maybe hate's not the right word.
-Can we get just five seconds of quiet?
-Oh! Of course 'cause five seconds,
that's my fault that's he's crying, so...
-I didn't say it was your fault, I'm just --
-Well, you certainly sounded like you were
saying it was my fault. That's your tone.
-I didn't say it's your fault. My tone?
I haven't heard my tone since you stopped breastfeeding him.
-Okay, how about this? You try breastfeeding.
Do you what it's like to have to chafed nipples?
-No -And blue veins and...
-No. Hate's the perfect word.
I mean, you got to think, you were this obnoxiously loud
crying, screaming, pooping, nipple-chewing piece of crap.
Before you came along, your parents had it pretty easy
and you ruined it.
But thanks to me, sprinkle a little storge dust
and they love you and you love them,
most of the time.
-He's beautiful when he sleeps.
-I love you little man.
-You're welcome.
-The third is agape.
The stuff will mess you up because it's the real deal.
I'm talking about true unconditional love.
I know you think you know what that means,
but you most likely do not.
This is the stuff that religious people assigned to the Gods
because it was so rare and unimaginable
for humans to show it, but it's there.
And then there's Eros.
Yeah, that's the one
you probably had been thinking about this entire time.
Eros like erotic, right?
That's what everyone gets so excited about.
[ Imitates explosion ]
That's because it's powerful.
Take lover boy here for example.
-I think your analysis of Lena Dunham's writing
is spot on.
It's both liberating
and empowering for her as a feminist,
but, like you said, gives a new definition
for what it means to be a woman in the 21st century.
-You're such a good listener.
-Lover boy is in eros with this beautiful woman.
Yeah, she likes him, too.
But what is Eros exactly?
It's a 100% pure passionate emotion
without the balance of logic.
I repeat -- Without logic.
It's basically a sugar rush.
That's why I call it stupid love.
Spoiler alert -- Lover boy and this beautiful woman
are gonna start dating.
They're gonna begin a relationship,
then they're gonna get engaged,
and eventually they're gonna have kids and get married.
All this can be achieved, believe it or not,
through eros love.
Then what? What happens next?
You see without agape, storge, and philia,
eros love can't last forever.
So you want love, huh?
What kind of love?