- Hey, everybody.
Today we're gonna talk about grooming.
What is it and how can we heal from it?
Before we even define what grooming is,
or get into this information in more detail,
I want you to know that grooming does not occur in all
child sexual abuse cases.
And also, it doesn't only happen in children.
This can happen to us at any age.
And I just want you to hear that first
before I go into the seven stages of grooming.
Now to define what grooming is,
if any of you are thinking it has something to do with hair,
that is not the case.
What grooming is is the process by which a sexual predator
gains a trust of a child or their family in order
to start a sexual relationship with a child in secret.
And there are many stages to grooming.
And honestly, everything I read had similar steps but some
broken into ten stages.
Some to 12, some to four.
So throughout all of the reading and research that I did,
I came up with seven stages of grooming that I think
are important, and kinda show you the process through
which someone gains our trust and uses that against us
to do harm.
Also know that not everyone's gonna go through each
one of these stages, and that doesn't make your situation
not valid, or anything like that.
These are just some of the common stages.
But everyone's process and everyone's experience is
gonna be different.
The first stage of grooming is identifying the victim.
As a sexual predator, they could pick this based on
the age, or the way a child or a teen or adult looks,
or it could even just be vulnerable traits.
It could be that the parents are around, it could be that
we have really low self-esteem, or have just moved there
and are trying to make friends.
There could be a lot of different reasons and ways
that they identify a victim.
The second stage is gaining trust and access.
I don't want you to think that when someone's trying to gain
our trust or access to us, that it's gonna be done in a
overt fashion.
Often, the sexual predators are very suave and smooth
and may just offer a helping hand.
Like, "Oh I'll help put your bag in the bus for you"
or "I'll help your mom load up the soccer balls
from the soccer game."
Or "I'll come over and help tutor you for that."
They'll try to do small things that seem, quote and quote,
normal in relationships as a way to gain your trust.
Know that this isn't an overt action.
This isn't something that we may notice right away,
but it's done as a way to help our parents trust them
before a child, and that's how they gain access to us.
Or have us trust them.
So that they're like a normal adult in our unit,
whether it's our family, an extended family and friends,
we think of them in a very trusting and normal fashion.
The third stage is becoming important to the child or adult,
and giving them something that they need.
This could be through manipulation,
by telling the person that they're the only one that
understands them, they're the only one that can help them.
This could also be with children they find.
They give them a lot of gifts.
Maybe it's money to go get candy, maybe it's a toy that
they couldn't get otherwise, or certain equipment they
needed for sports that their parents couldn't afford.
They'll try to give them something or become so important
and necessary in this person's life that they feel
like they can't live without them or that they need
to keep them around.
The fourth stage is they will begin isolating you.
Meaning that they may offer you a ride home.
Let's say, it's a child that we're talking about,
and their parents are always late to pick them up
from school, they'll offer to call the parent
and take them home instead.
Or if you're an adult, they may say, "I'll walk you home,
it's really late, that's kinda scary.
I'd rather be with you."
And they do this so that you are obviously isolated.
You're with them, and you're more vulnerable
in those positions.
So just be cautious about who you spend time with,
when there's no one else around.
The fifth stage is they'll begin creating secrecy
around the relationship.
This could be anything from "No one would understand
what you're going through."
or "I wouldn't tell anybody that, they'll start to think
that you're weird or odd or crazy,
or that something's wrong with you."
They may also threaten to harm themselves or a pet
or someone else that you love in your life,
if you shared any of the private information
you've talked about, or the relationship as whole.
They'll threat and harm or revealing secrets as a way
to keep you tied to the relationship.
The sixth stage is sexualizing the relationship.
And just like we talked about before, when it comes to
gaining trust, this won't always be done in an overt way
at the beginning.
But even the smallest thing like putting an arm
over the shoulder may give the predator some kind of
sexual gratification.
And these first stages of sexualizing the relationship
could just be putting a hand on the knee,
rubbing them on the back, linking arms and walking together.
It could be things that we don't consider to be sexualized,
but the predator is taking it that way.
They will also set up scenarios where it's normal
to be naked around one another, such as
getting ready to go swimming, or being in a locker room
and changing before, after a game,
or even going to a spa.
They'll set up these types of scenarios so that you
become desensitized to be naked around them
because you don't think it's something that
make you vulnerable, or is dangerous.
And the last portion of this stage, if this is a child
that is the victim, they will play on a normal child's
curiosities and questions about the body,
and use that to further the sexual relationship
and move it into actual sexual touch.
The seventh and final stage of grooming is controlling
the relationship.
Because once a sexual abuse is happening, all of the things
that they've set up, they'll use that as leverage to
keep us held in that relationship.
Whether it's financial, remember I said they might buy us
gifts or give us things we couldn't otherwise get
for ourselves, it could be that they have more power over us
because they're a boss or a teacher or someone in our life
who can harm us in such a way.
It could also be emotional support.
Remember they're telling us that they're the only ones
that can understand us and everybody else will think
something's wrong with us.
They'll try to keep everything we do together a secret.
And because of all of that swirling around,
there could be so much shame associated with this
because at this point, the person who's been groomed
feels like they're unlovable, or that they should be
embarrassed and they brought this on themselves,
but I want you to know that that is not the case.
All of these different stages are stages of manipulation,
and stages of abuse.
And know that if you have found yourself in a situation
like this, you didn't ask for it.
You are not to blame.
Nothing that happened is your fault.
We find the best way to process through this shame
and to heal from the abuse and grooming
is to find a therapist who can help.
We also find groups to be really, really healing
because often we think we're the only one,
it was our fault, we brought it on ourselves.
But to hear other people sharing their stories
and experience, it can be really healing because we realize
that we aren't alone, that it's not our fault,
and that other people have gotten through it as well.
Another reason that therapy can be so healing
is that we're able to offer an objective perspective,
a different view into what's gone on,
because like I said, back in those stages we were
talking about, that they control the relationship
to such a way that we don't even think that anybody else
would think differently than what our abuser told us,
but the truth is, that what they told you is all a lie.
So having someone else come in and be able to
talk to you about it in an honest fashion,
give an objective perspective, can allow us to finally
realize that it's not our fault and that we're not to blame
and we can start that healing process.
Another way that therapy can help us heal from this
is by teaching us ways to practice self-love and self-care.
Often, when someone has taken so much from us,
it's hard for us to come back and feel good about
who we are and know how to give ourselves the things
that we need.
And working with a therapist to understand abuse,
understand grooming can be really beneficial because
they'll give us the tools we need in the moment
to self-soothe, to practice self-care when it's needed most,
and know that we are valuable and people do care about us.
I hope that sheds a little light on what grooming is.
The more we talk about this, the less likely it is
to happen.
If you see a situation unfolding that looks a little off
and you have concerns, please speak up.
If you are in any one of these stages, know that you
are not alone.
Please reach out, talk to someone, tell someone.
Trust me, whatever that predator or abuser is saying
is not true.
You have a voice.
Use it.
You're important and you're lovable and other people
care about you and want the best for you.
Don't listen to that garbage.
You are worthy.
Please reach out.
Trust me, it can get better.
And also, share in the comments if I missed things.
If there are other things that you've been through
or things that helped you or types of therapy you found
to be the most beneficial, let us know.
Because together, we can stop this from happening
to another person.
And I will see you next time.