We're going to combine our experience today. Me as a psychologist, Vicki as the
speech-language pathologists to talk about how to get children to talk about
their feelings. You're never wrong about how you feel. This is something I tell
all of my clients. -Because your feelings go 100% with how your thoughts are
flowing. -Exactly. So, accepting our feelings is an important starting point.
And as a parent, before we get into talking about how to help the kids, as a
parent, just check in with your level of comfort about feelings and your own
ability to talk about feelings. If we need to work on that, let's talk, okay?
Just acknowledge at first that you're never wrong about how you feel. Your kids
are never wrong about how they feel. And let's eliminate some of the fear or the
apprehension that we have about feelings or talking about feelings and then we're
in a place where we can actually help them. Have you noticed Vicki when you
work with kids. Especially in communication. That they don't often have
a lot of vocabulary around feeling. -The first... The first ones there is always
happy, mad, sad. -Happy, mad, sad. -Those are the first 3 that we always talk
about. Are you feeling happy? Are you sad? Are you mad? And that's it. -That's not a very
big vocabulary so far. -A lot of emotions that you know there's different gray
levels and and and depths of them that those words don't really define very
well. So, we want to expand that vocabulary. Let's get some new words in
there that speak to that richness or that depth of experience that we all
have emotionally. Because we feel much more than happy, sad and mad. -Right. So, the
way to do that is you might add in just describing your own... I always say one of
the best ways to do any type of a vocabulary enrichment lesson is to talk
about your own experiences. Introduce those words. So, you might say
you know I felt frustrated. When? -Frustrated. Wait. That's a new word. -A new
word. It's not, it's not the same as mad. -Your child probably doesn't know that
word. Unless they're a little older and they've already encountered it. But the
point is that you're introducing new words to them. Frustrated. How about
disappointed. -Right. -In fact, you know what? Mad is a word we use to describe anger
or a higher level of that as rage. Okay. So, we can expand the vocabulary on both
sides of this. Anger is typically a secondary emotion. Meaning that it comes
from or after another emotion that's more primary. Like disappointment or
frustration or sadness or fear. These things can trigger what we usually call
mad or angry. So, while we're expanding the vocabulary of our children, we're
also helping them to learn an important thing about emotional regulation. And to
look for these other feelings that probably are preceding the feelings of
anger. When I work with kids at the office and I'm trying to help them
express their emotions, sometimes it helps to give them a why. -Okay. You know,
"Why." And I'm a psychologist, not an artist. So, but this is a picture of you. Thank
you. And so, if this is your child and you could even do this with your child.
Sketch a little picture. Have some fun with it.
And this... This child as you go through life, things happen, right? Sometimes your
brother hits you or your sister takes away your toy or your mom says something
you didn't like. And it gives you a feeling and I can show you what that
feeling looks like. It looks like this, right? Here do you see that feeling right
inside of there? And... And then another thing happens and it feels kind of like
this one. You see that feeling? And then sometimes another thing happens and it
looks kind of like this. And you see how those feelings are just
thing up inside of there? And sometimes those feelings start to get so big that
it just feels like you might pop because of all those feelings inside of there.
Well, these notice what he's doing right here? There's a smile. Well, why is he
smiling when all these feelings are building up? Because sometimes he doesn't
feel like he can talk about his feelings. So, what we need to do so these feelings
don't build up too much is we're going to open that mouth up here and we're going
to talk about our feelings. All those feelings when we talk about them that's
how they come out where we can deal with them and they don't build up and make us
pop. Now, that might sound a little silly. But that's how I talk to kids about this
sometimes to help them see it's a really good thing to open up that mouth. -And
just start talking about it. -Right. You can do a similar thing with your kids.
Just to help them see that getting those feelings out and talking about them is a
great way to reduce some of the pressure that builds up inside of us. That's good
for adults too, by the way. To be able to talk about your
feelings. -Can I add one thing? Be aware of how you're responding when they
finally do open their mouth and say something about their feelings. -Good
point. Don't think it's going to be at all
helpful if you react. Really strongly or you know, sometimes we say, "Oh, you're
really not that mad." You know, be sure not to belittle their feelings once they
have opened their mouth to talk about it. -Be ready to accept whatever they bring
to the table. For you to freak out about it,
or to tell them they shouldn't feel that way. -Or say no that's not really what
you're feeling. -Not helpful. Except whatever it is. Remember, they're
never wrong about how they feel. And as you accept that, you're going to help
them start to process how they're feeling so that they can deal with it
more appropriately. Now, that's a final point that I wanted to make too, Vicki.
There are appropriate ways to express emotion. And there are inappropriate ways
to express emotion. Right? It's okay for your child to say, "Oh,
I felt so angry or frustrated or I was enraged." There's another word that they
could use. And to accept that feeling but to help them see that when you're
feeling that it's not okay to hit someone. -The emotion and the behavior are
not the exact same thing. So we don't get to act angry all the time just because
we're feeling angry or frustrated or annoyed. -As you've helped your child to
talk about their emotions, then you're in a position where you can help them to
process what to do with it now. What would be an appropriate expression of
that? And they'll pick up on it. They'll be able to see that this communication
skill that we're helping them to develop is something that can really help them
to get along better in their own life. Thank you for joining us here on the
channel. We have formed also a positive parenting community. You can connect to
that through parentingpowerup.com. Vicki and I have collaborated to put
together a lot of really great resources for you as a parent/
Come join us there. Parentingpowerup.com.