HONEST TRAILER: IRON MAN 2
VOICE From the poor man's Joss Whedon,
comes the forgettable follow-up to Iron Man, that's essentially just
killing time until The Avengers.
VOICE (CONT'D) Iron Man II.
VOICE (CONT'D) The completely dissappointing
sequel you fooled yourself into liking just because it had Iron Man
in it.
VOICE (CONT'D) Suit up for a feature-length
version of the Nick Fury bonus scene from the end of the first Iron Man.
VOICE (CONT'D) Which will still be unresolved by
the end of this movie.
VOICE (CONT'D) We've witnessed Tony Stark battle
global terrorism and his inner demons, now prepare to see him take
on his biggest challenges yet...
VOICE (CONT'D) Tedious government committees!
VOICE (CONT'D) Corporate manuvering!
VOICE (CONT'D) Low batteries!
VOICE (CONT'D) Alcoholism?
VOICE (CONT'D) And some guy with a bird.
VOICE (CONT'D) A sequel so inferior it will
replace an awesome origin story
with countless subplots you won't
remember as soon as you walk out of
the theater
VOICE (CONT'D) A story that ditches technology
grounded in reality for laughably
unrealistic magic holograms.
VOICE (CONT'D) And substitutes Jeff Bridges
with...Gary Shandling?
VOICE (CONT'D) Witness a superhero movie with just
enough Iron Man action to fill a 3
minute trailer...
VOICE (CONT'D) ...But not a feature length film.
Trust us. We counted.
VOICE (CONT'D) Instead, sit back and watch Iron
Man...
VOICE (CONT'D) Attend corporate events
VOICE (CONT'D) Eat doughnuts
VOICE (CONT'D) DJ birthday parties
VOICE (CONT'D) And pee his pants
VOICE (CONT'D) Experience the epic face off
between Iron Man and one of
Marvel's least known villains:
Whiplash...
VOICE (CONT'D) ...Who's harnessed the most
dangerous modern technology ever. Only to waste it...on a whip.
VOICE (CONT'D) A foe with no known super powers
who somehow survives being crushed by a car, not once, not twice, but
four f**king times...
VOICE (CONT'D) To defeat this madman, Iron Man's
bringing in backup, and they're all just as boring as the rest of the movie:
VOICE (CONT'D) Pepper Potts, an inconsistent nag
who totally cool with her boyfriend being Iron Man...
But freaks out when he drives a car...
VOICE (CONT'D) Black Widow: A sexy spy shoehorned
into the movie, just to establish her boobs for the Avengers.
VOICE (CONT'D) And Lieutenant Colonel James
Rhodes.
VOICE (CONT'D) Nope, not that one.
VOICE (CONT'D) Yeah that's the one.
VOICE (CONT'D) Who has the skills to perfectly fit
in and pilot an Iron Man suit, without any previous experience.
VOICE (CONT'D) Wait, didn't Tony need like half a
movie to learn how to work that thing?
VOICE (CONT'D) A new chapter so thin, the key to
the entire plot is resolved by a 40
year-old easter egg from Tony's
dad...
VOICE (CONT'D) ...Who decades earlier somehow knew
his grown son would keep his old
diorama, put it in an impossible-to
predict holographic computer
display, that can magnify
impossible amounts of detail, and
reveal the chemical makeup of an
impossible to create element, which
Tony immediately synthesizes in
order to wrap up all loose ends.
Ugh, someone got paid to write
this?
VOICE (CONT'D) Starring...
VOICE (CONT'D) Robb Stark
VOICE (CONT'D) Mrs. Coldplay
VOICE (CONT'D) Better Terrence Howard
VOICE (CONT'D) Some guy in a Mickey Rourke Mask
VOICE (CONT'D) Oh! That guy from, um...he was in
that one movie...
VOICE (CONT'D) A guy in a Gary Shandling mask
VOICE (CONT'D) Vince Vaughn's BFF
VOICE (CONT'D) Don Draper
VOICE (CONT'D) Sam...Elliott? No...Uh, uh...man
that's bugging me...
VOICE (CONT'D) And Hawkeye...with boobs!
VOICE (CONT'D) Iron Man 2.
VOICE (CONT'D) Sam Rockwell! Sam Rockwell!
That's the guy. I loved him in Galaxy Quest.