- I just want people to be happy.
I feel like we can be happy if we get out of our own way.
Like I--I--I have friends
who are dating,
trying to date in New York and stuff.
And especially my female friends
will talk to me about their troubles
trying to date in, like, a metropolitan city--
trying to date in the age of the apps and everything.
And I even had one friend, she came to me with this list.
And it was the list of everything
that she wanted in a guy, you know?
And I told her honestly 'cause I care about her,
"I need you to take that list
"and throw it in the trash, all right?
"Burn it if you have to if that will help you
forget the memory."
I'll tell you right now, there's only three things.
There's only three attributes that you could hope for
in a guy that you're gonna make a partner.
There's only three.
You need to pick two, okay?
You need to pick two of those three,
whichever two you can live with
and move on 'cause you're not gonna get all three.
I hate it for you, but it's not gonna happen.
I'll go over 'em right now.
There's good dick,
good person,
got his shit together.
You need to pick two of those three.
Whichever two work for you
and move on.
And if he has one, leave.
Don't let a one ruin your life.
Just one! Mm.
I honestly--I have friends
complain to me about their ones,
and I'm falling asleep listening to the story
'cause it's just boring.
It's like, "Well, you told me you had one to begin with,
so what are we really talking about?"
If he's just a good person,
doesn't have good dick,
doesn't have his shit together,
just a good person?
That's a friend.
Like, that's...
Y'all can hang out on the weekends, go to museums.
I don't know why you trying to force more, you know?
If he's just good dick,
just good dick,
not a good person,
doesn't have his shit together,
just good dick?
That's literally a dildo.
That's what a dildo is for.
Why are you stressed over him?
Make a mold of his dick in his sleep and leave!
Nobody puts their vibrator back in the drawer, like,
"He forgot my birthday."
Like, that's...
It's not gonna happen if you treat it
like what it's for.
'Cause you're not gonna get all three.
And I hate it for you.
I really do. Sincerely.
And every time I have this conversation
with--with my friends,
sometimes they--they get upset.
Not every time. Sometimes they do get upset
and they're like, "No.
"No, he has all three.
"No.
"No, he has all three.
"I know it.
"I feel it.
"I feel it here and here and here.
"No.
He has all three."
If you really think he has all three,
he's going to kill you, all right?
That is a murderer putting on a facade, okay?
I'm sure all 33 women thought Ted Bundy
had all three, you know?
Like, "No, Ted is just nice.
"You know, it's just nice to meet a guy that, like,
"has his shit together, is a lawyer and everything,
"and, like, knows how to-- knows his way
"around the bedroom, knows how to listen.
"Why are you looking at me like that?
[yelps]"
Like, that's how it went every time.
You know what--you wanna know what bothers me?
What really upsets me?
What even scares me a little bit?
I don't know which two I am.
'Cause I don't get to decide, you know?
That's another person's decision about me.
I'm scared I'm going to be laying back
with my girl years from now, right?
Years from now just laying back.
We're talking about this, and I lean over to her, and I'm like,
"I'm--I'm good dick and a good person, right?"
And she's like, "You have a great job, all right?"