Hey! Vicki and I are here today to talk to you about how to deal with toddler
tantrums. This is one that we've taken on before it's pretty common. -Yeah. it's
it's part of being a toddler. I think it's throwing tantrums. -Right. Which is
probably an important acknowledgement right up front. This is developmentally
typical. -And it's age-appropriate. -Right. Even though we don't like it. -Right. -It's
the way that it should be. Honestly though, that's pretty important because
one of the most important things you can do is make sure that you don't get
tipped over by this. -And so if you're expecting it, it's easier not to be
tipped over. -Exactly. Keep your cool. That's easier said than done. -Definitely.
-But probably one of the most important starting places because your kids,
especially toddlers, don't have the ability to regulate their own emotions
very well. So, they become little emotional mirrors. -Right. -Have you noticed
this that when you're having one of those days, when you're just... -They're in the
worst... They had the most naughty behavior when you're in one of your
moods. -That's when they're climbing the walls and driving you nuts.
-So, it's so important to stay calm. And you know when when you can expect that
it's coming, it's so much easier to stay calm when you like, it's you're not
tipped over because you knew it was coming.
So, that's our first little tip. -Vicki, we experienced this with our
little kids. I know everybody does. At some point, they just give in because
it's so much easier. You got this tantrum going on. All this noise and you just
give them what they're wanting and then they're quiet. -Just to make it stop as soon as
possible. -So tempting to do that. But it's really important to refrain.
-Right. at least realize that if you do that, you're actually strengthening the
tantrum, the the power that the tantrum has. And probably guaranteeing
that's going to happen again. -It's kind of like paying them off. -Yeah. -They're
doing it for some particular reason. Quick example you're at the grocery
store. The child really really wants that toy or that piece of candy. -Right. -And
what do you say as a mom? -"No!" -"No. Not going to happen." Right? Child happy with that or
not so much? -Right. Not so much. -Right. -And they just start to scream or cry or throw
a fit or... -So all of this noise that's going on is for the purpose of what?
Getting you to change your behavior? It's like kids are born with this sense of
how to operate behavioral psychology. -Against us, right?
-Well, it's called negative reinforcement. -Yeah. It's a payoff. So, if you give the
child what they want, they take away the thing you don't want. -Which is the
screaming, the fit, the tantrum. -Exactly. And in taking it away, they make it more
likely that you are going to give them what they want again in the future. And
that's the exact opposite of what we're trying to teach them. So, you have to back
off not give them what they want. Okay, there's a catch here. If you do this well,
it's going to get worse. -That's the most amazing thing. Why would it be getting
worse? But... -Worse not better right yet. This is called an extinction curve.
Because the kid is thinking, "Wait, this always used to work with mom." -Right. -"I
must be losing my cool." -You know that's so important to be ready for this.
Because I've worked with so many parents that there's been a behavior and you're
ready to change the behavior, right? As soon as you decide to change the
behavior, expect the storm. Because it will get worse but it will only be worse
for a time and then you finally get your payoff. You're going to be able to maybe
go to the grocery store without them throwing a fit for an item. -So, at first,
they're thinking, "Oh, I'm losing my cool, I'm losing my touch. I don't have that..."
-The child is taking that. -Right. "I got to turn up the volume." And so
that's why it gets worse. They crank it up. Now, if you cave in at that point,
you've just made it worse. You've just intensified the the nature of the
problem. But if you will outlast them and you have to last just a little longer
than you want but not as long as you fear. -Right.
-It's that extinction curve will drop off again because then they'll be like, "Oh,
this isn't working." And then they'll try to to use some other strategy. Hopefully
one of the appropriate ones that you've been teaching them. -Right. -You don't get
to control whether your child is going to throw a tantrum or not. Think about it,
if you were in control, It wouldn't be... -There would never be one, right? -Right. So,
it's not up to you. I I've had moms sometimes say, "So, am I
just supposed to let my child have the tantrum?" -What do you mean let them? -You're
not letting them. They're going to do it. -Like it's up to you anyway. So, because we
can't control it or decide that it's going to happen or not happen, instead of
insisting that your child stop, what if you were to just put your energies
toward containing it somehow. -You know that's such an interesting idea. Explain
more about how you would contain a tantrum. -So, an example that came to my
mind. Let's say that you're in the car and you're about to go into an
appointment or into the store or something. And the child starts throwing
a tantrum. -Right. -you can simply remain in the car. -Mm-hmm.
-Now, you might be thinking but I've got the appointment, right? Kids aren't going to
pick the most convenient time. In fact, it works better for
them if they don't. -If it's not going to be because you're likely to give in.
-Yes. That gives them more leverage. But you can contain it by staying there
in the car and you can say, "Sweetie. We're going to stay here until you're done." -Mm-hmm.
Yeah. -And then you smile. -And you know, I was thinking for it when there's like really
predictable Tantrums, there are some kids that have really predictable times
they're going to throw a tantrum. You might need to enlist someone else to help you
contain that tantrum. I remember we were talking about a friend whose child
always threw a fit when it was time to go the store didn't want to put on the
car seat. -Oh. -You know, didn't want to get in the car seat. Didn't want to do up the
buckles. Throwing a big huge tantrum. So, she had to arrange with her friend that
when this happens, it's not the if because you kind of know it's
predictable. -It's common. -When it happens, "I'm going to call you and the child will
then get to stay home with you and it's not to be a fun party time. But they're
going to stay with you." So, here you've contained it. They threw the tantrum, they
wanted... Whatever they wanted. But you're going to just...
Because you can't say that to the child, "Oh, you just have to stay home then." If
they really can't stay home. -Right.
-And so, she contained it by enlisting some help. So, just think that
through when it's predictable. And it happens over and over again. Think about
who you can enlist to help you contain the tantrum. And then... -I'm going to contain it.
-Right. And then you got to remember you got a weather the storm that's coming. -Oh,
I love that analogy, Vicki. We just had a storm here yesterday at our home. Buckets
of rain. -The clouds gathered, right? You know it's coming. Things are starting to
get dark. Do you see how this relates to a tantrum? And then the storm. Boom! -Right.
-But guess what? That storm passed. -Right. You know, I was
actually out to dinner with some friends at the time. And we watched it just come
down. And we were done with dinner. We were going to go. But instead, we just sat
and watched the storm for another 10 minutes. And then it was over.
And we went to our car. -Storms are good analogies for tantrums because you can't
go outside and just you know raise your fists to the heavens and say, "Don't start
with me or knock it off right now." -You can. But it's not going to do much. It's kind of what it is on
tantrum. Sometimes you can yell the kids "Stop crying" but it really doesn't do
much good. -Well you start looking like a lunatic. And it doesn't seem to stop the
storm. But all storms pass. All of them. We visited northern Florida
last year where a devastating hurricane had come through. The storm was past. It
had gotten... There's still some damage and that's probably a whole other
conversation. But every storm passes. So, weather the storm. -Right. Now, remember our
children are always learning. And especially the little ones. So. we're
talking specifically about toddlers. And they're going through a very intense
period of psychological and emotional development. -Right. And social development.
That's a lot with this. -Yes. And they are influenced heavily by their primary
caregivers. That's you. -Right. And they are observers. I don't know if you've noticed
this. But boy those toddlers observe everything. -Yeah. -And so what we want
to do is his model for them call behavior. So,
you might say to your child, in a calm voice. Remember that's the key. -In a calm voice.
"I will talk to you when you're done screaming." Or, "I'll talk to you about this
when you can talk to me like I'm talking to you." Whatever's appropriate for your
child's age and stage development. Your modeling that behavior for them. They
will learn more from what you do and what you show them then from what you
say. Thank you for being here and for being the conscious positive parent that
you are. -VIcki and I have created a community and support and resources for
parents like you. If you haven't checked out the Parenting Power-Up, would you do
that right now? ParentingPowerUp.com. You can connect
to it right here in the links as well.