How long has that been sitting there? Days, weeks, months, years, decades.
It's stored there until you balance it.
In all probability,
you've had a moment in your life where you felt shame or guilt.
Shame is when you assume that you have done some action or not done some
action that led to you having within yourself more drawbacks than benefits,
more loss than gain, more negative than positive,
more disadvantage than advantage.
And guilt is when you assume that you've done an action or inaction that has led
to somebody else's having more losses than gains, more negatives than positives.
Both of these are self depreciative.
And both of them lead to symptoms in your life.
And some of the symptoms of the shame and guilt that's accumulated sometimes
shows up in the form of over consumption, in the sense of food,
sometimes it's over consumption in shopping to feel better about yourself,
living vicariously through other people's brands to feel better about yourself.
Or maybe it's just an altruistic act where you sacrifice for others,
because you devalue yourself to try to feel better about yourself giving things.
These are all signs of it.
But if we go in and we diminish ourself with shame and guilt,
we're holding ourselves back from our magnificence and we're making an
assumption that there's been a drawback without a benefit,
which isn't really true.
We've all had a moment in our life where somebody's done something we thought
was terrible and then a day, a week, a month, a year or five years later,
we look back and go, oh, thank God that occurred,
I'm very grateful for that occurring now, I couldn't see it then,
but I can see it now. Well,
you could have seen it then if you knew the right questions, but you didn't.
And now you look back and go, wow. Well, the same thing in your behavior.
Some of your behaviors, you go around and carrying guilt and shame about,
but you're not seeing how it served. And as long as you don't,
you're going to wallow in that and hold that back and then compensate with this
over consumption or over altruistic, supposed altruistic behavior.
I always say altruism is a compensation for shame and guilt to the past and a
hidden agenda of the future. Because when I actually break it down,
I find out there's usually hidden agendas of the future of what they want or
they're doing something to feel better about themselves after feeling shame and
guilt to the past. So if you haven't,
it's wise to stop and make a list of anything you would not want anybody
to know about ,
anything in your life that you've done or not done that you feel ashamed or
guilty about. Make a list, do an inventory.
This is really revealing because it's,
you don't even realize you're sitting there and storing those things sometimes,
they're just buried because sometimes you do it and then you get busy with
something else and you just buried it inside you.
And this does lead to also some of the autoimmune reactions.
The autoimmunity is basically self-attack and we are self attacking because we
got shame and guilt sometimes.
So taking the time to clear that is to your advantage. It helps your health,
it helps you save some money, it helps you not to sacrifice for others.
If you're in business,
that can undermine your business and your profit margins when you have stored
shame and guilt. So first,
make a list of everything you might feel shame and guilt about.
Anything that you wouldn't want anybody to know about , make a list.
At least you, it's time for you to be aware of it. I've,
I've gone through a whole bunch of those in my own life and sat down and then
asked a really amazing question. In the Breakthrough Experience Program,
which I've been teaching for almost 35 years.
I have a specific science on how to dissolve shame and guilt.
I'll give you a a bit of it today,
there's no way I can do it all in this short period of time.
But I'll just give you the highlight of it.
Whenever you're feeling shame and guilt,
you're making an assumption that you have done something that's caused more
problems than benefits or more drawbacks than benefits. And that's not true.
There's always two sides to an event. Whatever you've done's got two sides.
So first,
make a list of everything you've done that you think somehow you feel guilty
about because you've affected somebody else,
or shame about because you affected yourself.
And then after you made that list and be thorough about it until everything you
can think of that shame and guilt consciously at least,
there'll be unconscious stuff that'll come up maybe another time, do it again.
But then ask yourself who was impacted by this?
Because sometimes shame and guilt come together.
Sometimes something you've done you feel ashamed of,
but then you also feel guilty about what the impact on another person.
So write down what it is that you feel shame and guilt about.
And then write down next to it in another column everyone that's involved.
Anyone that you think is any way
affected by a loss without a gain or a negative without a positive or a pain
without a pleasure or a disadvantage without an advantage.
And make a list of those next to it.
So you write down the shame and then you write down next to it all the people
that you believe have been affected by it.
Now the only reason you're feeling ashamed,
and I've been in the Breakthrough Experience,
I've cleared shame and guilt for people for decades now,
and it's not that difficult really.
It's something that I can show you in the Breakthrough Experience very quickly
on how to do it. I mean,
there's some steps involved more than I can do in this presentation,
but at least I can start you on this.
But go in there and actually make a list of all the people that are being
affected by it. And then start listing how did it serve them?
How did it benefit them? What were the upsides?
What were the things they gained? What were the advantages that they received?
At first you're going to think there aren't any.
Well then you're going to store that shame ,
your amygdalas going to just keep that in hippocampus and it's going to be
stored there and it's going to be running your subconscious mind and you're
going to feel guilty.
And the next time you see them it's going to be affecting your dynamic with
them. You're going to be storing it,
it's going to affect your sales and your presentations and all that other stuff
until you clear it. There's absolutely no reason why it can't be cleared.
So you go to that moment of where and when you did the behavior that you feel
ashamed or guilty about, you identify the individuals,
who you actually were affecting.
And these could be people you were directly doing something to or maybe
bystanders. Because sometimes we have shame and guilt,
not by the individuals we do an action to,
but the idea that we did it in front of somebody, that we feel humbled by,
we feel humiliated by. So anybody who is involved,
you write down how did it serve them? How is it an advantage to them?
How did it give them an upside, a positive?
And at first you're going to think there isn't any and that's why you're going
to store that shame, that guilt.
But once you stop and look and look at how it helps them in all areas of their
life, spiritually, intellectually, business, financial, family, social,
physical.
In the Breakthrough Experience I actually take you through methodically exactly
how to do this process. And we actually make you do it step by step.
And I ask people at the end of the Breakthrough Experience, well,
at the end of this method, I call it the Demartini Method;
How many of you now have dissolved your shame and guilt?
Every hand goes up and they go, How long has that been sitting there? Days,
weeks, months, years, decades? It's stored there until you balance it.
As long as you have an assumption that there's been more drawbacks than benefits
to somebody, you're going to carry it,
and it's going to affect your behavior and your self-worth and your immune
system. It's going to help you self attack yourself, beat yourself up,
think there's something wrong with you. But really the truth is,
whatever you've done has two sides.
Just like when somebody's done something to you,
you think it's terrible and you want to do a false attribution bias and blame
them for it. And then you find out, oh my God.
I I had a consult with a gentleman just recently that had this event occur
in his life and he thought 'it's terrible what this person had done.' And then I
said, well, what were the benefits to it? And he goes, well, there wasn't any.
I said, well, look again.
And within 5 or 10 minutes he started stacking up the benefits and the thing he
thought was so terrible, he was actually grateful for. And then I said,
where have you done that in your life? I've never done that.
And then he went and looked and he found, well, I have done that. I said, well,
whoever you've done it to, if you thought what they did was terrible,
is it possible you thought what you did was the same, was terrible? And he goes,
I guess I did. Do you feel guilty about it? Yes. Well,
how did it benefit those people? Well, it didn't. How did it? Look again.
And I made him look again and again and again and again and again and again
until we got about 11 different benefits, 12 different benefits.
And all of a sudden he's going, I'm not feeling guilty about that.
And I'm not angry at the person.
You know that the reason why we resent other people is because it reminds us of
things we feel ashamed of in ourself.
So if we'd like to have a more loving and appreciative relationship with other
people by clearing our shames and guilts inside us,
it helps us not react to them when they remind us of what we're feeling ashamed
of.
It's an old biblical statement in Romans 2 I believe that whatever we judge in
others, we do the same. And it's true.
I've proven that in the Breakthrough Experience for all these years.
Thousands and thousands of people have gone through it and proven that to
themselves. Whatever you see in other people that you resent,
you've done inside your life,
but you just feel ashamed and guilt about it and they're reminding of it.
And if I clear the shame and guilt, you're not even angry at them anymore.
You realize that they were your teachers brought into your life to help you
clear your own shame and guilt.
So take the time to identify how did it serve the people who were involved.
And sometimes these are real and sometimes these are virtual.
I had a very religious person there who actually believed that their
anthropomorphic deity that they were believing in,
was omnipresent and was omniescent and was watching them,
and they did a behavior that they were ashamed of and they felt that that person
was affected by it, this artificial God that they made in their mind.
It was only fabricated in their own mind from their instructions from their
childhood. And then I said, well, how did it benefit God? ? Well,
I don't know. Well just look,
how could it benefit to actually be seen as a human being?
And believe it or not,
the shame and guilt just melted away because this whole thing was
fabricated in their own mind. And just as it can be created in your own mind,
it can be eliminated in your own mind. It's all the ratio of perception.
All of the emotions that we have, shame, guilt, pride, self-righteousness,
are all ratios of perceptions.
If we balance out the ratios of perceptions,
we change the whole feeling and dynamic.
I do it every weekend in the Breakthrough Experience.
I've had people that have stored stuff that they feel ashamed of or guilty about
or proud of and self-righteous about, and we've neutralized that,
because whenever you're proud or shamed, you're not authentic.
The shame is a self minimizing position. It's a persona,
a mask we wear when we assume that there's more drawbacks than benefits to
something we've done. And pride is an assumption in the other direction,
we saw more benefits than drawbacks.
The truth is there's both sides and there's two sides and everything has a pair
of opposites. So if we don't take the time to balance our equation,
we're going to store those, be inauthentic,
it's going to affect us narcissistically when we're proud and altruistically
when we're shamed. Whenever we minimize ourselves, we sacrifice for others.
And we exaggerate ourselves, we sacrifice others for us,
both of which are futile and non-sustainable relationship dynamics.
So take the time to go through and actually identify
what specific trait you've done or trait you haven't done that you
feel shame and guilt about.
Write down all the people that you believe were affected by it and start
stacking up the other side, the unconscious side. See,
when you are infatuated with somebody,
you're conscious of the upsides and unconscious of the downsides.
When you're resentful to somebody, you're conscious of the downsides,
unconscious of the upsides. When you're proud,
you're conscious of your upsides and not your downsides. When you're shamed,
you're conscious of your downsides and not your upsides.
If you go and balance it out by asking where's the other side,
and hold yourself accountable by looking, and not, don't speculate,
don't write any speculations down, only write down what's fact.
And go and look for the facts.
And the facts will show you that there's upsides to whatever you've done.
They've gained insight. Maybe they became more independent,
maybe they became more driven. Maybe resourceful, less obligated to you,
maybe less dependent on you. Maybe they broke their fantasy of you.
Maybe they had unrealistic expectations, they got grounded.
Maybe they got to realize that you're not this one-sided individual.
Or maybe they initiated a reaction to initiate your reaction.
They did something and now they learn, Hey,
that's not the way to get that type of response. Whatever it is,
there's something that they can gain by it.
And if you identify what they are and clear it,
you don't have to carry around the shame and guilt.
And there's absolutely no reason that it's essential.
There's no biological necessity for carrying around shame and guilt.
We are taught sometimes from our mothers and fathers and preachers and teachers
or whatever about these moral hypocrisies about how we're supposed to be nice,
never mean, kind never cruel, positive, never negative, peaceful,
never wrathful, all these one-sided illusions that don't exist.
They're fantasies and they keep people disempowered.
Because the second you set up a fantasy of a one-sided outcome and then you
don't live up to it, you beat yourself up and then you feel ashamed.
Because now you're expecting yourself to be one-sided perfection.
The real perfection in life,
in your life is when you embrace both sides of your life.
I'm not here to try to get rid of half of my life or get rid of half of your
life. And by the way, if you're in a relationship,
would you agree you don't want somebody to try to get rid of half of you?
. They're not going to. It's futile, waste of time.
But if people project their values onto you and expect you to live in their
values or expect you to be one-sided,
they're going to end up having a feeling that you're not living up their
expectations and they're not going to appreciate it.
So they're under a delusion of one sidedness. But don't fall for that.
Don't fall for the moral hypocrisies of one-sided living when it can't be done.
You know,
I broke that illusion 39 years ago and it liberated me from tremendous amount of
unrealistic expectation on myself,
which is what is leading to the shame and guilt.
Imagine if you're thinking you're always supposed to be never a nice and never
mean, always kind, never cruel, only one side,
and then you have yourself having both sides. When you feel supported,
you're nice. When you feel challenged, you can be mean.
If all of a sudden you're only supposed to be one side,
you feel shame and guilt when you're the other side,
only because of the moral hypocrisy that you've injected into your life and now
you have this false expectation on yourself. So a lot of them,
a lot of the shame and guilts are there because you have this expectation to be
one sided and you've been told that that's what perfect is.
The perfection of yourself is all, all that. The whole, not the part.
The whole, balance of both sides. There's a time for this,
I think it was Ecclesiastes and biblical writings; there's a time for peace,
a time for war, a time for sowing, a time for rend,
a time for everything under the sun.
Wisdom is embracing both sides of your life. So I'm just,
all I'm doing is helping you break through your moral hypocrisies and helping
you see that there's two sides to things and allow you to embrace both sides so
you're not carrying around shame and guilt or pride and you're not carrying
around infatuations or resentments, both of which undermine your power.
So take the time to make a list of everything you've been judging yourself
about, that's probably coming from some moral hypocrisy,
and then then false expectations,
unrealistic expectation yourself.
Then go and write down who it is that's affected, real or virtual.
And then go and find out how did it benefit them.
And don't stop until you got a tear of gratitude in yourself and liberate
yourself from that.
That's why I take people through the Breakthrough Experience and give them
step-by-step processes of all the components. There's more components,
but that's the first one.
And there's more components to a point where there's just nothing but a deep
appreciation and love with tears in your eyes of gratitude for yourself.
And you realize you've been carrying around baggage,
misperceived baggage in your mind, unnecessarily,
and it can be liberated with the quality questions.
The quality of your life's based on the quality of the questions you ask.
If you ask the questions that balance out the equation,
you don't have to carry around the shame and guilt and all those things that are
stored in your subconscious mind. So again,
make a list of all the people that has been affected from all the things you
felt ashamed and guilty about.
And the way you know you've cleared it is when you can stand in front of the
mirror and at the end of it you can say thank you to yourself.
And if all of a sudden somebody was to find out about what you did,
you wouldn't have a reaction. You could be able to be open and say, you know,
I did this and this is how it served people.
And I did this and this is what I learned.
And you can be open and love all parts of yourself and not try to get rid of
half of yourself,
and not have to hide some part of yourself and feel ashamed about it.
Not needed to do that.
I've seen people that have been carrying around guilt and shame about stuff
that's pretty common stuff, that they thought that they were somehow different.
But if you actually find it, we're all human, we all do all kinds of things.
And to sit down and feel shame and guilt about some of the things we do,
it's just unnecessary.
So take the time to do what I've just asked and just know that if you do that,
you'll lighten the load, you know,
lift up your spirits a bit and appreciate your life.
And then imagine if you were to get that done if you came to the Breakthrough
Experience where I really impact it, I teach in the Breakthrough Experience,
the Demartini Method.
And in a portion of the Demartini Method we cover these topics.
And in the process of doing that,
we clear that and show them how to clear that and clear the pride and shame and
infatuation,
resentments and grief and any emotion that's stopping people from doing
something extraordinary with their life,
that's holding them back from being grateful, loving, inspired, enthused,
certain and present, which I call the transcendentals.
If you'd like to know how to clear all that so you don't have to be carrying
around this baggage and not have to be carrying around the shame and guilt,
which is holding you back and possibly affecting your economics and your health,
et cetera, Come to the Breakthrough Experience so I can show you more.
I'm just giving you a tiny portion of it today, but I'm certain,
I've watched thousands of people's lives who've been carrying around unnecessary
shame and guilt, clear it, and the same for pride and all these other emotions.
So take advantage of the Breakthrough Experience so I can help you help other
people. And if you got something out of this presentation today,
please click the like button, that way I can help get this out to more people,
because there's probably a lot of people out there that you may know or other
people may know that just might be carrying around unnecessary shame and guilt.
And also, please subscribe and hit the notification button.
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And I just want to say thank you for being with me today and I look forward to
seeing you on our next presentation.