-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"
and the week that everyone wants to go away.
Seriously, can we just skip this week?
I mean, no one wants this week.
If 2020 was a week, this would be it.
We don't want this week.
Let's get to the news and jokes. Well, guys, we're almost there.
We made it to the night before the election.
Seriously, I haven't felt this stressed out
since literally every day since March.
[ Laughter ] That's right --
it's election eve, and everyone is nervous.
President Trump's gonna spend all night
waiting for Vladimir Putin to come down the chimney.
[ Laughter ]
[ Russian accent ] Heh-heh-heh.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Seriously, I feel like
I'm at the very top of a roller coaster,
and I know the guy in front of me is going to throw up.
It's like... [ Laughter ]
"Just brace yourself, man. Ohh! Come on."
Yup, tomorrow, the only places
that'll be more crowded than the polls
are liquor stores. [ Laughter ]
"Three bottles of Tito's?
Yeah, that should get me through the night."
[ Laughter ]
Here's how tense things are --
earlier today, I walked in on my stress doll squeezing himself.
[ Laughter ] "Someone's in here! Ohhh!"
[ Laughter ]
"Someone's in here!"
A lot of people are -- across the country
are really stressed about tomorrow's election,
but I saw this commercial for something that can help.
Check it out.
-State of the world got you down?
Want to release the tension building inside of you?
Take your mind off your problems with the Fidgey Whatsy!
The Fidgey Whatsy is a new stress-relief toy
here just in time for the election.
You can spin it. You can squeeze it.
You can spin and squeeze it.
Uh, yeah, that's been happening.
We built these for the amount of stress
people were having two months ago,
not off-the-charts numbers this week.
But don't worry -- that's why we started
selling them in packs of 20.
See how many you can break!
The Fidgey Whatsy --
for when you need to make the next two days go fast.
-That's right. [ Applause ]
I saw heading into tomorrow that Trump leads
by 21 points among white voters without a college degree.
In other words Trump is leading with any voter
who attended Trump University.
[ Laughter ] And this is big.
I saw that Biden leads Trump among black voters
by a count of 87 to 5.
Hang on -- never mind.
That was actually the score of yesterday's Chiefs/Jets game.
Never mind. [ Audience groans ]
-Ohh!
-But listen to this -- Trump has apparently told people
that he's going to declare victory tomorrow night
if it looks like he's ahead.
Trump said this isn't true.
He's gonna declare victory if he's ahead or behind.
[ Light laughter ]
"It's close in Casper, Wyoming? Release the balloons."
[ Laughter ]
It's like the guy on "Man v. Food"
taking one bite from a 30-foot burrito
and slapping his name on the wall.
"I basically did it, right? You don't --
You really want to see me eat the whole -- Come on."
[ Laughter ]
What do you think is going to happen?
The "Man v. Food" guy.
[ Laughter ]
At this point, the only thing Trump can declare
without anyone questioning him is bankruptcy.
[ Audience oohs ] -Mm.
-Yep. Trump told confidantes that,
if he's ahead on election night,
he's planning on just declaring victory early.
I thought this was pretty much unheard of,
but then I was watching TV last night.
It turns out it's more common than you think.
Check this out.
-Are you an older gentleman?
Are you running for president in tightly contested race?
We know what you're going through,
and we know it might be embarrassing,
but you're not alone.
Premature election.
Because not everyone can raise their polls.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Well, after his plan to declare victory got out,
Trump denied it to reporters,
but check out when he said about counting ballots.
-I think it's a terrible thing
when ballots can be collected after an election.
I don't think it's fair that we have to wait
a long period of time after the election.
-So instead of the Biden/Harris campaign bus,
Trump supporters will switch to running mail trucks
off the road.
[ Laughter ]
It's always a good time when your candidate says,
"As long as nobody counts the ballots, the election is ours."
[ Laughter ]
But heading into tomorrow, everybody's eyes on the polls,
especially in swing states.
Listen to this.
-In the critical battleground states,
a poll from "The New York Times" and Siena College
shows Biden leading Trump in four key states --
up by 6 points in Arizona, 3 in Florida,
6 in Pennsylvania, and 11 points in Wisconsin.
-At this point, the best thing Biden can do
to win the election is to lose his voice.
"Just don't say anything, don't do anything, just --
don't put your glasses on or take them off --
just don't do anything.
Get the corn dog away from him.
No corn dog! No corn dog! No!"
[ Laughter ]
"Don't do it. Just stay home."
It's like bringing a kid into antique store.
"Don't touch anything. Just don't touch anything.
I know it looks like it's -- just don't touch."
Of course, Trump is trying to do
whatever he can to turn things around.
He's been holding rally after rally across the country.
Check it out.
-14 states between Saturday and today.
They are focused on Pennsylvania.
-Trump will spend the entire day on the road,
holding five rallies,
his final one -- late tonight in Michigan.
That's also where he held his final rally back in 2016.
-Yep, he wants everything to be the same as 2016.
That's why Trump spent half the rally
doing the mannequin challenge.
[ Laughter ]
Let's talk about the Democratic ticket.
Today, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris
held their final campaign events in Pennsylvania,
where they were joined by some special guests.
-Joe Biden will be in Pittsburgh today, accompanied by Lady Gaga.
Senator Kamala Harris be over in Philadelphia with John Legend.
The Democrats obviously hoping that some star power
will add some attention to their campaign.
-Yeah, Lady Gaga in Pittsburgh makes sense.
I mean, her dresses have single-handedly
kept the steel industry in business.
[ Laughter ]
Backstage, Biden was like,
"Say, did you ever tour with a fella named Whistlin' Frank?"
[ Laughter ]
"Played the spoons."
[ Laughter ]
Back in Washington, everyone is on edge about tomorrow.
And at the White House, they're beefing up security.
Look at this.
-Less than 24 hours before the big day,
there is a non-scalable fence
expected to go back up around the White House today.
-At this point, I'm not sure if Trump's trying
to keep protesters out or keep himself in.
[ Light laughter ]
Oh, and this is making a lot of news.
At a rally last night in Florida,
the crowd started chanting, "Fire Fauci!"
And Trump had a very interesting response.
Take a look.
[ Crowd chants "Fire Fauci "] -Hmm.
[ Chanting continues ]
-Don't tell anybody, but let me wait till
a little bit after the election, please.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I appreciate the advice.
-Mm. In a few days, we might be getting COVID updates
from Dr. Lil Wayne.
[ Laughter ]
The campaign has finally drawn to a close.
And after hundreds of rallies, I think this clip best sums up
Trump's closing argument
for why he believes he deserves a second term.
♪♪
-If you're Italian, do you happen to like
Christopher Columbus?
"Chris-to-for." Huh?
-What?!
♪♪
-How another one of Trump's strongest closing arguments?
-Yeah.
♪♪
-You know why they're trying to talk everybody out of voting?
People aren't buying it, CNN, you dumb bastards.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Laughter continues ]
-Well, this is a big story.
The Biden campaign canceled an event in Texas
after a pretty scary incident. Watch this.
-A caravan of President Trump supporters
surrounding a Biden/Harris bus.
The vehicles tried to slow down the bus
and also run it off the road.
-Yeah, great.
That was my biggest complaint about this year --
it wasn't quite "Mad Max" enough.
[ Laughter ]
Well, speaking of driving,
check out what Hertz is doing to help people vote.
-Hertz, meanwhile, is helping people get the polls.
Starting today, as part of its drive to vote program,
any customer who rents a car for two or more days
will get a free rental day.
-Dollar Rental was planning the same thing,
but, unfortunately, all their cars
are "active crime scenes."
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
Here's some news from overseas.
[ Laughs ]
That joke's too real for a couple of people.
"Yeah, that's scaring me." -Yeah, yeah.
[ Laughter ] -Here's some news from overseas.
Just came out that Prince William
had the coronavirus back in the spring.
Listen to this.
-Prince William, second in line to the British throne,
tested positive for coronavirus in April,
but, controversially, choosing to keep his diagnosis a secret.
-Man, Prince William must have gone crazy.
I mean, imagine being cooped up in just 795 rooms.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, man.
-Here's some news that isn't about the election or the virus.
A Canadian man sued Canada Dry for making false claims.
Let's see how that went.
A B.C. man has won a class-action lawsuit
against the makers of Canada Dry Ginger Ale.
Victor Cardoso alleged that the advertising slogan
"Made from Real Ginger" was misleading
and the product contained no ginger.
He was awarded $200,000, most of which will go to legal fees.
-That's -- That's it. I'm suing Mountain Dew
for not being made from mountains or dew.
[ Laughter ]
"I thought this was organic!" [ Laughter ]
As soon as they heard that, Dr Pepper started Googling
"How to quickly get a medical degree."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, this is wild --
a train in the Netherlands went through a safety barrier
and almost fell more than 30 feet,
but it was saved by a giant sculpture
of a whale tail called --
this is the name of the sculpture --
"Saved by the Whale's Tail." -What?
-What? -Look at this photo.
Look at this thing.
-Whoa. -I know it's in Europe,
but a broken train teetering on a whale's tail
is basically what America feels like today.