As a professional psychologist, I can help you understand how to build
and encourage self-worth in children.
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I've got almost 30 years of experience working with children and families
as a professional psychologist. Children are strongly influenced by the messages they receive.
Let's talk about those messages and how you can steer this in the right direction.
First off, let's debunk some of the myths that are perpetuated about self-esteem and self-worth
and then let's get into three powerful tools that actually work. The number one myth about
self-esteem and how it's built or encouraged is that self-esteem comes from positive affirmations.
Now, you may have even seen videos about this some of them have gone viral with people expressing
their positive affirmations. They get kind of cute too when the kids are doing that. I remember one
that I saw years ago with the little girl standing on the counter in front of the mirror and just
expressing these positive affirmations. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm saying it's a myth
that that's what builds self-esteem. I'm all for practicing positive self-statements but the reason
this is a myth was revealed in research that was done back in the 1980s by Dr. Richard Bednar and
Scott Peterson about self-esteem their book was titled Self-Esteem: Paradoxes and Innovations in
Clinical theory and practice. It was published by the American psychological association.
Dr. Bednar was one of my mentors when I was going through my Ph.D. program and he explained
to me that self-esteem is not about hearing positive messages. It's about seeing yourself
facing your problems. What these researchers pointed out to the entire psychological world
is that humans including our children need to see themselves facing or taking on their problems
in order to develop positive self-worth. What's interesting about this research is it doesn't
even matter if you conquer or overcome or solve the problem. What's important is seeing yourself
taking it on. One of the most destructive things to our self-esteem or our self-worth
is seeing ourselves running away from or fleeing or avoiding a problem. That's what deteriorates
our sense of self-worth. Does this surprise you? It surprised me a little bit take a moment right now
in the comments to share how this is resonating with you because this might trigger some
thoughts that we would love to hear. With this new understanding let's take a look at what we can do
to build and encourage self-esteem in our children. I'll share three tools with you.
Number one, three messages. Now, this tool has three messages. I love you no matter what and
even if. Children need to hear that from their parents. This will help to build and encourage
their self-esteem because it creates a sense of safety for them that the big people in their world
actually, love them, care for them, have their best interest at heart. Message number two,
if you have any questions ask, I'm here for you. A lot of parents make the mistake of cramming
it down their throats. They have to tell their kids everything and dictate and micromanage.
We're going to back off from that. The second message is if you have any questions ask, I'm
here for you and the third message, good luck. Now, we're not saying this flippantly or in a way that
we abandon our children at all we're there for them. Remember messages one and two, I love you
and if you have any questions I'm here for you. But that third message is an
acknowledgment that they are driving their life. They are the ones who get to face the problems
and challenges that are coming up for them and we're expressing our confidence that they can
actually do that. So, that's your first tool three messages. Here's the second tool which is also a
message in a lot of ways but it's also a way of showing up for our kids and I'll summarize it like
this, you've got this. Now, hear how I'm saying that with confidence, with assurance, you've got this.
They need to hear that, they need to see that, they need to feel that, from their parents and the other
big people in their world. Hey, you've got this. Because they don't always think that they do. Now,
go back to the self-esteem research by Bednar and Peterson where they said look, the number one thing
that deteriorates self-esteem is seeing themselves shrinking from or running away from a problem
or an issue or a challenge. The message that you've got this helps to put them in a position
where maybe they're going to feel a little bit of strength and courage to actually take it on
which is going to build and encourage their self-esteem. You've got this. While I've got you
here I want to tell you the same thing, you're a good parent. Now, I can say that to you and you'll
think, "Oh, well, whatever, I'm not doing my", yeah, I know, you've got some head trash around that.
But what if I were to tell you simply hey, you've got this, you've got this. Check your experience,
it's true. You've handled absolutely everything so far. Why would that ever change? You've got this too.
Whatever it is that's challenging right now. Let's send that same message to our kids. Now, here's
the third tool which is a tool of reassurance. Here's how I'll summarize that one, I've got you.
In fact, I was just talking to you as a parent and telling you you've got this. You're a good parent.
You've got this and I've got you. You don't have to do this alone. You've got a team. You've got support.
I've got you. How does that feel? Do you feel like taking on your problems when you hear you've got
this and I've got you. Those are the same messages we're going to send to our children. So, those are
the tools I wanted to put in your hands today. Look, you've got this, your kids have got this,
and I've got you and you've got your kids. Together we can make this happen. That is a
powerful strategy for building self-esteem. I actually presented this same topic on network
television. Last year I was invited to actually address a group of parents on television. I've
included a copy of that video right here. Cue it up and watch that one next I hope you enjoy that.