- The best thing about a rescue dog
is they fucking come correct.
They know what, "You wanna go back?" means.
(upbeat music)
- They're called rag dolls because like,
I don't know you ma'am, but if you came to my house
and you just scooped that cat up they wouldn't get nervous.
"Who's this crazy lady?"
They wouldn't, they just,
anybody could just pick one of those cats up
and put it on their shoulder,
and they just go limp. (purring)
(audience laughing)
I have a seven year old daughter.
My daughter just scoops that cat up like a sandbag
in a crossfit class,
like she's barely got this fucking cat.
And they just limp. (purring)
Purring away, so happy to be touched.
They have almost no instincts, almost.
Almost!
'Cause those little fuckers just sit in front of the window,
and they see a squirrel across the street,
their eyes lock on that squirrel,
and they start making these involuntary mouth noises like.
(Joe grunting) (audience laughing)
You ever see a cat do that?
It's so fucking creepy!
(audience laughing)
They don't even know you're there.
You get right next to them, like,
"What the fuck are you doing, man?"
(audience laughing)
And then they look at you. (grunting)
I've had that cat since it was a baby.
It's never been outside.
Three year old cat, never been outside,
and he sees those squirrels across the street,
and he's like (gasping),
"I remember. (audience laughing)
(panting) "I remember the old way."
(audience laughing) (Joe grunting)
How the fuck does that DNA get into that cat?
He's not looking at that squirrel like,
"That's my little friend across the street.
"I would like to meet him."
No, it's like, (grunting) "Your neck is right there."
(Joe grunting) (audience laughing)
That's crazy.
That's some crazy, murderous DNA.
That's like if you had a science experiment
where you had a man in captivity
and you never showed him a woman, ever,
til he was full grown,
and then you show him a naked one through prison glass.
And as soon as he sees her he goes, "Time to fuck!
(audience laughing)
"Time to fucking fuck!"
Dudes come over with clipboards, "How do you know?
"How do you know what to do?"
"I know what I know, bro!
"I know when it's fuck time!
"It's fucking fucking." (audience laughing)
That's what it's like for that cat.
How the fuck does that cat know what to do?
Explain that to me, science.
Cats kill everything they can.
Dogs will keep it together.
Like even a good dog, a good dog will keep it together.
Like you could have a pet dog and a pet hamster,
and that pet hamster, if you got a good dog,
that pet hamster could live a long life.
If you got a pet cat and a pet hamster
that hamster's got an hour to live.
(audience laughing)
And that's just 'cause your cat's gonna torture it
for 59 minutes.
That poor little fucker's like,
"Oh, I think he's done.
"Finally it's gonna let me get away,
"and I'm just gonna be free."
The cat's like, "Not today, motherfucker.
(audience laughing) "Not today.
"You just sit the fuck down."
It's what they do.
Can't feed 'em apples, it's what they do.
Dogs care!
You can put a hamster on the floor
in a room with a good dog,
good dog, good dog will look at you,
look at the hamster,
(audience laughing)
look at you, look at the hamster,
and be like, "Ummmm,
"can I fuck him up?"
(audience laughing)
"No.
"That's Mr. Fluffers.
"Mr. Fluffers is the newest member of our family."
Dogs just start calculating, like, "Okay, okay,
"okay, okay, okay, okay.
"I like free food.
"These people are nice to me.
"Okay.
(audience laughing)
"That's a fucking rat, dude.
"That's a rat.
"Okay, okay, okay, family.
"Yeah family, family."
You can tell, though, when that dog's not totally onboard,
he just get a little too close to that hamster,
he's like, "Ooh, I was gonna fuck you up!"
(audience laughing)
But a cat, you don't have a chance.
Cats, they will make exorcist noises.
If you try to hold your cat in a room with a hamster,
your cat starts going (howling).
It's letting you know,
"Bitch, I'm about to claw your fucking eyes out.
"You're never gonna see your kids again."
They don't care how long you've been feeding them.
They don't care about your history of free massages.
"There's a rat on the floor.
"If you let me go I can kill the rat."
(audience laughing)
(Joe howling)
And people keep those things as pets.
That's what's so fucked up.
Imagine if your kid did that,
if you had a kid that you couldn't have in a room
with something smaller than 'em.
He's like, "Gotta kill Mommy, murder, kill!"
Like, "Junior, sit down."
"No, fuck you! (audience laughing)
"Death!"
"Well, we just can't have a pet cat,
"'cause Junior breaks the cat's neck.
"He's crazy, I don't know what to do."
We just accept the fact this fucking cat's a murderer.
Can't feed that thing cranberries, you crazy bitch.
(audience laughing)
Yeah you, you're the monster.
Dogs feel bad when they kill things too,
if you're mad.
Like if your dog kills a hamster, you're like,
"How could you?"
They're like, (whining) "How could I?
(audience laughing)
"Shit!
"Did I do that? (screaming)
"Dammit!"
"I am so disappointed in you!"
"I'm disappointed in myself!
(audience laughing)
(Joe screaming)
"I'm sorry.
"Dude."
They walk to you sideways,
"I fucked up, dude, I fucking seriously."
But your cat, cat doesn't feel remotely bad.
If your cat kills something,
you're like, "How could you?"
He's like, "Bitch, you know me."
(audience laughing)
Walk away slow with his tail in the air
so he you can see his asshole.
(audience laughing)
They don't care.
You scream at 'em, "You're a monster!"
They pull their ears back like,
"Why you so loud?"
(audience laughing)
And then just slide down right in front of you
and lick their own dicks.
"How about you just shut the fuck up while I lick my dick."
(audience cheering)
They don't care.
They don't care about you.
Cats know when you're high too.
They seem to know you're vulnerable.
Dogs don't have a clue.
You come home and you're high,
your dog's like, "You're extra friendly today."
(Audience laughing)
If I'm watching "Black Mirror"
at one o'clock in the morning,
my cat will like sit down next to me, and be like,
(audience laughing)
"You know you're gonna die, right?"
(audience laughing)
- I have a dog.
I got a dog
like four months before I broke up with my boyfriend
because I just felt, maybe that's where it was headed,
and I was like, I can't handle a break up,
I get too sad.
I'm gonna need something on retainer
that will give me unconditional love,
like maybe go down on me.
(audience laughing) I'm not gonna like
train him to do it, you know.
I'm not gonna be like, "Do it, Luigi!"
Like, I'm not gonna like.
No.
I don't know, If I woke up and it was happening,
I might not fight it off.
I don't know.
And of course I would not be like,
"Oh, my dog's going down on me."
That wouldn't, like, do it for me.
I would try to maybe, like, fantasize about, like,
like a famous dog, like a Lassie, or like a
Eddie from Frasier.
Girls, right, (giggling)
hall pass.
No, it's a disgusting thought.
I'm sorry to even bring it up,
that your dog would, you know, go down on you.
It's gross.
Here's why I thought of it.
It's because it almost happened.
(audience laughing) I
almost.
Okay, I sleep with my dog, he sleeps under the covers,
and I sleep naked.
And I'm not saying that to be like, "I sleep naked."
Like, I'm not trying to be hot about it.
Like, "Santa naked."
Like, I don't.
There's nothing hot about me sleeping naked.
It's only because I break out
in like, violent night sweats.
So, I have to, to save some laundry time for me.
I am always withdrawing from Zoloft
'cause I forget to take it.
So I'm just like waking up in puddles.
It's disgusting.
So, my dog sleeps,
and one night he was going under the covers
to like, go to bed,
and he just nicked it with his nose.
Like a very, like just a whoop, like a (whooshing),
like just a brush.
Grazed it.
And of course, I was like, "No, no, no, no, no."
You know?
'Cause he had been a bad dog that day.
I'm not gonna reward that kind of behavior.
(audience laughing)
You know? No, thank you.
Dog owners, you know.
You can't do it, obviously,
and I was like, no,
but he wanted it so bad.
You're uncomfortable,
but it's okay.
He was very interested.
Wanted more.
And your dog would too.
Your dog wants to go down on you so badly.
And that's the hard part.
You can't let him do it.
It would be the ultimate treat for them.
And I know you're like, "No, it wouldn't."
But think about it.
Your dog is psyched to eat shit off the sidewalk.
Like, he would love
to lick on your sweet, sweet puss.
He just would. (audience laughing)
It would be awesome
for him.
Some of you are still like,
"No, not my dog.
"He wouldn't do it.
"He's too proud."
No, he would.
Dogs love crotches.
They're trying to get in there constantly.
It's my favorite thing,
when a dog smells another person.
And the person always, like,
when the dog smells them, they go,
"Oh, it must smell my dog."
And I'm like, "Oh, really, just like right here
"is your dog?"
"Oh, it smells Tanner."
Is that what you call your sack?
Because he's honing in on those ripe balls.
Not your dog. (laughing)
It's Misty.
No.
But it's a disgusting thought,
and here's the thing,
it's like, even if that was something
you didn't have a problem doing,
like, why would you do it.
As a woman, I'm like,
would your dog be good at eating pussy?
Like, no.
Have you watched your dog eat food?
My dog eats wet food.
The second I put it on the ground. (snarling)
He's just like (screaming) rubbing his face in it,
pushing it all around the kitchen.
I can't have that style going on down there anymore.
Like, that was college for me.
Where I was just like, you know what,
I'm gonna let him figure it out.
We're all learning.
I can't just. (screaming)
Like, I need focus.
Like I need you to have like a headlamp on,
and like one of those jewelers things.
I don't even know what they're called.
So, if my dog was just going to town,
I'd be like, "Can you use your paw or something?"
Like I just feel like it would,
it would just be a waste of peanut butter,
is what I'm saying ultimately,
'cause I buy the good shit,
with the oil on top.
It's organic.
Choosy dog owners.
I'm going back to Jif though.
Sorry Luigi.
I don't blame my dog for wanting it, honestly.
And this is the last thing I'll say about it.
I promise.
It is tempting, because I don't have a landing strip,
but I do have a Beggin' Strip, and it's like. (singing)
- And when I was younger I used to think like that.
I'm just gonna fucking party tonight, every fucking day.
Go eat a taco later.
You get older, man, you don't think like that no more man.
You're too old at the club.
You're dancing, "Fuck, eh,
"I wonder if my dog is thinking about me.
(audience laughing)
"He was so sad when I left.
"He gets sad when he hears the keys." (barking)
For real, I start thinking about my dog and shit,
I'm like, "Fuck eh."
"What are you thinking about, bro?"
"I don't know, man.
"We should stop and buy my dog a hot dog, bro.
(audience laughing)
"He's fucking sad right now.
"He plans to go sleep by the door." (snoring)
You love your dog, man.
Sometimes you love your dog more than your kids.
"Dad, are you going to be off the computer?"
"Shut, up mijo, I'm trying to find a costume for the dog.
(audience laughing)
"Halloween's coming, you know.
"He weighs 90 pounds."
For real, man.
I didn't even buy my dog in a pet store, man.
I found that fool at Walmart.
The parking lot at Walmart,
fucking redneck guy with a box.
When I was a little boy
we had a dog, but, shit,
we couldn't keep him no more.
And we don't know nothing about no shelters.
You know, Mexican, immigrant,
we don't know nothing about shelters for animals.
We know there's some for humans, but not for animals.
(audience laughing)
It was so sad.
My dad took the dog to the park
and fucking left him there.
That fucking dog made it home before him.
(audience laughing)
There was two other dogs talking shit. (barking)
It's funny when you like,
you can't really take my dog to a dog park,
because he's out of control, you know.
He's like a rescue dog,
so he came with a heroin problem, you know.
(audience laughing)
He barked like this. (barking)
He had like one eye. (barking)
That fool had nightmares at night and shit.
He's running. (growling)
It's fucking fucked up, man.
The best thing about a rescue dog
is they fucking come correct.
They know not to fuck around.
They know what "You want to go back?" means.
(audience laughing)
You better shut up.
You want to go back?
- (barking) "No, no, no, no.
"No, no, no, no."
If you're gonna have a dog,
make sure you have money for dog fucking food.
(audience laughing)
Make sure you have money to take the dog
to the fucking hospital,
'cause they fucking get sick.
I remember my dog got sick when we were little
and it cost $200 to fucking fix the dog.
And my dad said, "Mijo, 200 dollars.
"Shit, that's more than our rent.
(audience laughing)
"He better get better, mijo."
(audience laughing)
The dog was trying to pretend he wasn't sick. (barking)
We never gave him dog food.
He would eat Mexican food.
Or human food.
Like, if I had diarrhea, my dog was dying.
(audience laughing)
"Who gave him chilaquiles?"
(upbeat music)