HELLO.
TODAY, WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT EDGAR ALLAN POE
AND HIS RIVALRY WITH RUFUS GRISWOLD,
ONE OF AMERICA'S FIRST PIECES OF [bleep].
OKAY, THIS IS THE 1800s, AND NO ONE HAS ANY MONEY.
LIKE, PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, SWEEPING THE STREETS,
AND MAYBE YOU'D FIND, LIKE, A CRUST OF BACON.
AND YOU'D EAT IT.
EDGAR ALLAN POE, HE'S ONE OF THE GREAT AMERICAN POETS.
COMPLETELY DISRESPECTED BY EVERYONE
HE EVER CAME IN CONTACT WITH.
HE WAS ALWAYS BROKE.
AND HE CAME INTO CONTACT WITH A FELLOW
BY THE NAME OF RUFUS GRISWOLD.
SO GRISWOLD SAYS TO POE,
HEY, I'M MAKING THIS BOOK CALLED
THE POETS AND POETRY OF AMERICA.
SO GIVE ME SOME OF YOUR POEMS,
AND IF I LIKE 'EM, I'LL PUT 'EM IN.
HE KNOWS IF HE PUTS HIM IN THE BOOK,
THEN EDGAR ALLAN POE WILL BE LIKELY TO WRITE A NICE REVIEW.
SO POE IS LIKE, OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME OF MY POEMS.
SO HERE'S MY POEMS.
SO BOOKS GET--BOOK GET-- THE BOOK GETS PUBLISHED.
POE'S--THREE OF POE-- POE'S POEMS ARE--ARE PRINTED.
GRISWOLD HAS PRINTED 50 POEMS BY ONE OF HIS FRIENDS.
50!
POE'S SITTING THERE WITH THE BOOK IN FRONT OF HIM,
FLIPPING THROUGH THE BOOK.
FLIP, FLIP, FLIP, FLIP, FLIP.
WHAT THE [bleep]?
ARE YOU [bleep] SERIOUS?
THIS [bleep]SUCKER, HACK, LOSER, ASS[bleep]
HAS PUT ME IN THE VERY BACK OF THIS BOOK.
I'VE BEEN HORNSWOGGLED BY A [bleep].
GRISWOLD COMES TO HIM, AND HE'S LIKE,
EDGAR, WHAT DO YOU SAY THAT YOU WRITE
ONE OF YOUR WONDERFUL REVIEWS OF MY BOOK?
AND I'LL GIVE YOU A-A HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR IT.
IT'S BASICALLY BRIBERY.
AND POE'S LIKE, SURE, NO PROBLEM.
I'LL TAKE YOUR MONEY, AND WRITE A REVIEW OF THIS--THIS BOOK.
NO PROBLEM.
NO [bleep] PROBLEM, RUFUS.
[laughing]
SO--SO HE--SO HE WRITES THE REVIEW.
NOW, GRISWOLD HAS BEEN TELLING HIS FRIENDS, YOU KNOW,
POE'S GONNA WRITE THIS GREAT REVIEW OF MY [bleep].
THEN HE--WHEN--WHEN HE READS THE REVIEW THAT HE PAID FOR,
LIKE, NO ONE SHOULD READ THIS.
NONE OF THESE POETS ARE GONNA BE REMEMBERED EXCEPT FOR ME.
IT'S A WASTE OF TIME TO EVEN LOOK AT THIS THING.
ALL OF THIS IS CRAP.
EDGAR ALLAN POE.
HE'S LIKE, REALLY?
I GAVE YOU MONEY TO WRITE A [bleep] REVIEW
OF A BOOK OF POETRY THAT I PUT YOU IN, YOU ASS[bleep].
GAME ON.
SO POE STARTS HEARING THAT GRISWOLD IS NOW, LIKE--
IS TALKING [bleep] ABOUT HIM.
SO HE GOES ON A TOUR OF AMERICA,
AND BEING LIKE, HEY, WHAT'S UP, GUYS?
YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT RUFUS GRISWOLD, RIGHT?
THE GUY WHO WROTE THIS [bleep] [bleep] BOOK OF POETRY
WHERE HE ONLY PUT THREE OF MY POEMS IN?
YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY? HE'S, LIKE, A HACK.
JUST, LIKE, A STEREOTYPICAL, BASIC,
BULL[bleep] ASS[bleep].
HE HAS NO TALENT AT ALL,
AND IF YOU GIVE GRISWOLD A HAND JOB,
HE'LL PUT 20 POEMS IN HIS [bleep] BOOK.
HE IS A VILE, HOLOGRAPHIC PIECE OF [bleep].
HOLOGRAMS DON'T EVEN EXIST YET,
AND I'M CALLING HIM A [bleep] HOLOGRAM.
POE. VERY IMPORTANT NOTE,
THE ANTHOLOGY, DESPITE POE TALKING ALL THIS [bleep]
IS MASSIVELY SUCCESSFUL.
POE GOES TO HIS JOB AT THIS MAGAZINE,
AND SEATED AT HIS DESK IS RUFUS [bleep] GRISWOLD.
HE'S LIKE, OH, I'M SORRY.
WHILE YOU WERE GONE, I GOT YOUR JOB.
AND I'M GETTING PAID MORE THAN YOU GOT PAID,
SO I WIN.
GOOD NIGHT.
[laughing] SO POE IS LIKE,
WHAT THE [bleep]?
HE'S LIKE, WHAT THE [bleep]?
HIS WORST ENEMY HAS TAKEN HIS JOB,
AND HE'S [bleep].
HE'S [bleep].
HE GOES ON DRINKING BINGES.
HE'S A DRUNK. HE'S A DRUNK.
HE'S A LUNATIC.
HE'S, LIKE, WANDERING THE STREETS.
AND RIGHT AROUND THAT TIME, HIS WIFE DIES.
AND POE GOES INSANE.
AND HE STARTS TAKING LAUDANUM,
WHICH IS THIS, LIKE, DOWNER,
BUT IT MAKES YOU HIGH AS A [bleep] KITE.
AND THAT'S IT, MAN.
POE CONTINUES TO SPIRAL DOWN INTO AN OB--
A [bleep] OBLIVION.
THEY FIND HIM LAYING IN A GUTTER IN BALTIMORE,
THEY TAKE HIM TO A HOSPITAL, WHERE HE DIES.
SO POE'S DEAD.
GRISWOLD WANTED POE TO SEEM LIKE A MONSTER,
SO [bleep] GRISWOLD PROCEEDS TO WRITE
THESE SCATHING BIOGRAPHIES OF EDGAR ALLAN POE.
HE WAS A DRUNK.
HE WAS ALWAYS IN DEBT.
HE SUCKED. HE WAS AWFUL.
FORGET ABOUT HIM. FORGET ABOUT IT!
BUT EVERYONE IN AMERICA READ THIS,
AND THEY'RE LIKE, WAIT, WHAT?
DRUNK, CRAZY GUY WHO WROTE ABOUT RAVENS?
WHERE CAN I GET THIS BOOK? THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.
IT ENDED UP MAKING EDGAR ALLAN POE 50,000 TIMES MORE FAMOUS.
AND HE'S CONSIDERED TO BE ONE OF THE GREAT WRITERS OF OUR TIME.
LATER IN HIS LIFE, GRISWOLD COMES DOWN WITH TUBERCULOSIS,
AND DIES ALONE,
WITH A PICTURE OF EDGAR ALLAN POE ON THE WALL,
WATCHING HIM, LIKE, LOOK AT YOU, MAN.
WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
LOOK AT GRISWOLD, ALL YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO. WHAT'D YOU DO?
GUESS WHAT? NO ONE'S GONNA REMEMBER IT.
YOUR--YOUR SILLY ATTEMPT
TO DISGUISE A [bleep] HISTORY SHOW,
AND, LIKE, PEOPLE GETTING DRUNK.
IT'S FAILURE. NO ONE CARES.
NO ONE'S BUYING IT, MAN.
FORGET IT.
WE'RE ALL GETTING SUCKED INTO THE VOID.
UGH. - [laughs]