The following trailer is rated "H" for "Honest".
From the company that will literally sell you cardboard,
comes a franchise so colorful and wholesome that you didn't even realize
it was tricking you into thinking menial labor was fun--
Animal Crossing.
Step in to the idyllic township of Animal Crossing
and become the only living human in a world of anthropomorphic animals
where you'll carve out a slice of the quiet life for yourself
by picking fruit,
by picking fruit, making friends,
by picking fruit, making friends, and just generally being a nice person.
In one of the rare video games that doesn't rely on your ability to kill everything that moves,
unless Blathers snaps and goes on a murder spree.
This guy's definitely hiding something...
Live the quiet, simple life, Animal Crossing style,
where you grab everything you can get your greedy, orb-like hands on
as you pick fruits and flowers,
catch bugs,
dig for fossils,
fish for...
fish for...uh...
fish for...uh...fish,
and sell everything that isn't nailed down
to pay off the enormous loan your evil raccoon landlord saddled you with at the beginning of the game,
then add a small expansion to your tiny house and start the horrible cycle of debt all over again
in the cutest parable about the evils of capitalism since Monopoly!
Comrade K.K. says,
"Keep it cool and seize the means of production!"
Get ready to game in real time
as Animal Crossing ties everything in the game to the real world clock
with day-to-night cycles, actual holidays and events in the game tied to the time and date,
which all sounds pretty neat...
until you realize you've run out of stuff to do until it's actually tomorrow in real life.
What am I gonna do now,
take a walk in the actual outdoors, or something?!
This is bulls#!t, Nintendo!
Customize your town in your own image,
decorate your home with treasures you've collected
and invite your friends to explore your masterpiece.
Then check out the creations from the community,
from lavish mansions that will make you feel terrible at Animal Crossing
to nightmarish creations that will haunt your nightmares.
Hugghh...
Experience the camaraderie of Animal Crossing's village community,
as you get to know your host of adorable animal neighbors and discover their unique quirks
and collect your favorite villagers to create the ideal city of furry friends,
then find a character that you don't like
and force them to leave by treating them like s#!t
until you finally have your perfect digital township,
then immediately get bored and put the game down for six months
and when you finally boot it up again...
get ready for a city filled with weeds and pointed guilt trips,
in a gaming experience specifically designed to make you feel awful.
This game even yells at you for trying to reset.
JUST LET ME PLAY IT MY WAY, DAD!
Discover Nintendo's best attempt to ruin one of its most beloved franchises
as they move from full-on sequels
to half-entries that are missing most of the features
to a mobile version that sucks out all of the fun and charm
and replaces it with animals that refuse to be your friend unless you give them a bunch of stuff,
then won't come over until you buy a specific set of matching furniture
that you'll have to grind for
that you'll have to grind for and then wait for,
in a blatant attempt to get you to spend your hard-earned cash on making their game fun.
Seriously? At least try to hide it a little better!
So stack up those Bells
and arrange that furniture
in a wholesome experience that proves that games don't have to be challenging to be fun,
they just have to fill the empty void inside of you with tedious, busy work.
Happy fruit picking!
Starring...
and...That Guy From Smash Bros.
Animal Farm.
Remember when Animal Crossing games had entire other games inside of them?
Nowadays, they'd probably make you pay $60 and send a vial of your blood to Nintendo headquarters.
Comment below on what you want me to read in my epic voice!
"I'll tattle a tale that is terribly true. Started out as a rumor, but suddenly grew."
"As you can see, he is a murderer. He just killed my phone."
"YOU CHALLENGE MAKOA?!"
"Zelda is a boy and you play as him."