THE IOWA CAUCUSES ARE JUST A SCANT FOUR MONTHS AWAY.
MEANING THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS JUST AROUND THE
CORNER FROM THE CORNER WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN AROUND YET.
BUT THE CAMPAIGN IS ALREADY IN GEAR.
THAT GEAR?
NEUTRAL.
BUT-- (LAUGHTER)
THIS IS A VERY BIG DAY.
YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW IT BUT IT IS THE DAY ALL CANDIDATES
HAVE TO REPORT TO THE FED RAL ELECTION COMMISSION ON
HOW MUCH MONEY THEY'VE RECEIVED IN THE PAST THREE
MONTHS.
AND THE BIG NEWS IS THAT VERMONT SENATOR AND ROOFTOP
BEE KEEPER BERNIE SANDERS TOOK IN A WHOPPING $26
MILLION.
I HAD NO IDEA.
I HAD NO-- YES, I AGREE.
IT'S EXTREMELY IMPRESSIVE.
I ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT THE SAME PEOPLE CHEERING ARE THE
SAME PEOPLE WHO CHEERED FOR PEWDIEPIE.
I HAD NO IDEA YOU COULD MAKE THAT KIND OF CASH ON ETSY.
26 MILLION COLORS-- DOLLARS IS MORE THAN TWICE AS MUCH
MONEY AS JEB BUSH PULLED IN, EVEN THOUGH THIS SUMMER AN
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE, I GAVE JEB BUSH THREE DOLLARS.
(LAUGHTER) THEY ACTUALLY HAD A BUTTON
FOR THAT AMOUNT.
AND IT PERFECTLY MATCHED HOW MUCH I WANT HIM TO BE
PRESIDENT.
IT'S NOT ZERO, IT'S NOT ZERO, THEN AGAIN, ON THE WAY TO
WORK TODAY I GAVE A HOMELESS GUY A PFEIFFER.
AND SINCE THEN, JEB HAD THANKED ME IN THE FORM OF
NONSTOP E-MAILS FROM HIS WHOLE FAMILY.
I GET THEM FROM JEB AND ALL THE GEORGES, W, HW, P, BOY
AND CURIOUS.
(LAUGHTER) AND YOU CAN'T BLAME THEM.
I UNDERSTAND WHY THEY KEEP HITTING ME UP FOR THE GREEN,
BECAUSE THESE CAMPAIGNS NEED A CONSTANT INFLUX OF MONEY
TO PAY FOR THINGS LIKE OFFICES AND PHONES AND
STAFF.
SO THE STAFF WILL HAVE AN OFFICE WHERE THEY CAN CALL
YOU ON THE PHONE TO ASK FOR MORE MONEY.
SO CAMPAIGNS ARE CONSTANTLY INNOVATING NEW WAYS TO PULL
IN FUNDS.
HOWARD DEAN PIONEERED INTERNET FUND-RAISING.
GEORGE McGOVERN WAS THE FIRST TO RAISE MONEY VIA
DIRECT MAIL AND EVEN GEORGE WASHINGTON RAISED CASH BY
BEING IT.
(LAUGHTER) AND NOW I'M SO HAPPY TO SAY
COMES ANOTHER BREAK THROUGH MOMENT IN CAMPAIGN
FUND-RAISING.
THANKS TO FLORIDA SENATOR AND SEARS PORTRAIT GALLERY
SAMPLE DAD MARCO RUBIO.
RUBBIO A WEB SITE ALREADY FEATURES SOME GREAT
MERCHANDISE LIKE A MARCO POLO SHIRT, OR A WATER
BOTTLE THAT SAYS "WATER GREAT NATION"
GET IT?
IT'S WATER, BECAUSE THAT PUN IS SO TORTURED IT'S LIKE
BEING WATER BOARDED.
BUT THE FUND-RAISING BREAKTHROUGH ON THE RUBBIO
WEB SITE IS THAT FOR $250 YOU CAN ADOPT A RUBBIO
STAFFER FOR A DAY.
THAT, I GOT TO SAY, THAT REALLY PULLS AT THE HEART
STRINGS.
I MEAN I WASN'T GOING TO DONATE TO MARCO RUBBIO BUT I
CAN'T LET HIS-- RUBIO BUT I CAN'T LET HIS STAFF WHO ARE
EVIDENTLY ORPHANS GO UNPURCHASED.
AND FOR YOUR IT 50 YOU WILL GET RECOGNITION ON TWITTER
AND THEIR WEB SITE, AN UPDATE FROM THE STAFFER YOU
ADOPTED AND A POSTCARD FROM THEIR TEAM.
AND AS TRUE CONSERVATIVES, THEY MIGHT EVEN WRITE A
MESSAGE ON IT ABOUT HOW INEFFICIENT THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT IS BEFORE HAVING IT DELIVERED ANYWHERE IN THE
COUNTRY FOR 35 CENTS.
THIS, I BELIEVE-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
PEWDIEPIE!
THIS IS TRULY GROUND BREAKING, I BELIEVE.
IF IF THEY'RE MODELLING THEMSELVES ON SAVE THE
CHILDREN, I'M THINKING THINGS ARE PRETTY ROUGH DOWN
IN RUBIOH HQ.
THEY MAY NOT EVEN HAVE ACCESS TO CLEAN DRINKING
WATER BECAUSE THEIR BOSS TAKES ALL OF IT.
AND WHETHER OR NOT I HAPPEN TO AGREE WITH RUBIO'S
POLICIES, I WAS SO INSPIRED THAT I'M COMMITTED TO DOING
ANYTHING I CAN TO HELP OTHER THAN GIVING HIM MONEY.
(LAUGHTER) HELLO.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
AS I SPEAK, RUBIO CAMPAIGN STAFFERS ARE DIGGING THROUGH
GARBAGE LOOKING FOR USED COFFEE FILTERS TO TURN INTO
TACOS.
THESE STAFFERS WORK 80 HOURS A WEEK.
AND USE WET PAPER TOWELS TO TAKE A BUM SHOWER IN THE
BATHROOM OF AN IOWA DUNKIN' DOUGHNUTS.
BUT FOR JUST 250 DOLLARS A DAY, THE PRICE OF A CUP OF
COFFEE EVERY 11 MINUTES, WHICH IS LESS THAN THEY
DRINK, YOU CAN SEND THESE STAFFERS THE HELP THEY SO
DESPERATELY NEED TO KEEP GOING.
LIKE MORE COFFEE.
REDBULL, AND LET'S JUST SAY NEW HAMPSHIRE MARCHING
POWDER.
SO PLEASE, CALL TODAY, OR DON'T.
THEY'LL CALL YOU.
CUZ THEY'RE ON PHONE DUTY FOR THE NEXT 12 HOURS.
IT'S TOO LATE FOR TYLER HERE.
(LAUGHTER) I HAVE TO HONESTLY SAY I
DIDN'T EXPECT HIM TO GET IN MY LAP.
(LAUGHTER) HOW ARE YOU DOING, BUDDY?
YOU OKAY?
TRAGICALLY TYLER HERE VOLUNTEERED FOR THE PERRY
CAMPAIGN.
AND NOW HE HAS TO BE PUT DOWN.
>> I WENT TO HARVARD.
>> Stephen: SHHH, SHHH, NONE OF THAT MATTERS NOW.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
PLEASE GIVE TODAY.
LET'S GO FOR A DRIVE, BUDDY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.