[splash]
[low drumroll]
Radio Host 1: You're listening to CHSS 9667 AM,
Iowa's only unbiased source for chess tournament coverage.
Still Abernathy's move.
She is taking her time on this one,
as she's been put on the defensive.
[tense music]
[clock ticking]
Radio Host 2: She goes with knight to b6.
♪♪
[clock ticking]
Host 1: And Vanderson responds with bishop to e5.
This puts Abernathy in check.
- This game is as good as over.
[clock ticking]
[tapping]
Wait.
Her king is abdicating the throne,
I can't believe it!
- The transition of power play!
This makes the queen consort the reigning monarch
of the board in spite of her lack of blood relations
to the king, taking her out of check.
Host 2: Wow.
It's surprises like this that continue to make chess
an exciting and relevant sport.
[suspenseful music]
[clock ticks faster]
[gasps]
The Sicilian refusal.
Host 1: Vanderson's government refuses to recognize
Abernathy's queen as head of state
and is now giving her nephew,
who claims to be the rightful heir to the throne,
asylum status on their side of the board,
no doubt due to several treaties put in place over water rights
on the former king's lands.
- Unbelievable.
Now that's not something you'll see in basketball.
Host 1: No, you certainly won't.
[music builds in intensity]
Host 2: Abernathy answers the Sicilian refusal
and in a show of strength, the Queen approves
offshore missile testing.
Host 1: Certainly a bold and thoroughly engaging move
that would be better suited for television.
Boy, we wish you could see it with your eyes.
♪♪
Hosts: [gasp]
The pawn's gambit!
♪♪
Queen: [muffled squealing]
Host 1: The pawn institutes a coup
and the puppet president is successfully installed.
Host 2: Now that's the kind of stuff that deserves
a prime-time spot on reputable channels.
Host 1: Agreed.
Any channel will do.
♪♪
Host 2: Uh-oh.
The puppet president has radicalized
the remaining government and they replace him
with a military strongman of seriously questionable morals
and a love of scapegoating.
Host 1: Now this is why I got into chess commentating.
Which, for anyone out there wondering
and my parents,
is a perfectly legitimate profession.
[music builds in intensity]
[music fades to silence]
Rook to a2.
- [quietly sighs]
[clock ticking]
Host 1: And I don't believe it!
Abernathy tries to distract Vanderson
while she spreads her spheres of influence
to other chess boards.
Host 2: If this isn't a sport,
then baseball certainly isn't, for example.
Host 1: And Vanderson attempts a containment strategy.
A game of proxy chess begins!
- [gasps]
Host 1: The proxy game is now in full swing,
but it seems unclear whether this is sustainable gameplay.
The props these players brought are incredible.
But unfortunately, will not translate to radio.
Host 2: Abernathy clearly investing
a lot into the space race.
♪♪
Host 1: But oh, no!
She neglected the health of her home board!
Abernathy's economy is falling apart
and the hippies are protesting!
Host 2: With a crippled economy, Vanderson is left
as the lone superpower.
Vanderson wins!
Host 1: What an exciting conclusion to a match
that certainly worth sharing with all of your friends
on social media.
[audience applause]
- Thank you for watching that sketch.
Make sure to like and subscribe
and Austin, what other sketches do you recommend they check out?
- [high-pitched, nasal] Yeah, you can watch most
of the sketches on the BYUtv.org or the BYUtv app for free.
- So you're a chess master from New Jersey
is that your character choice?
- Long Island, actually.
- Strong choice.
- Can I get some water?