-Hi there. In this video,
we're going to talk about what to do if your man is in a bad mood.
[music]
Hello there. Mat Shaffer, your empowerment,
connection and relationship coach.
In today's video, we're going to unpack a few simple steps you can use
if your man is in a bad mood to help connect with him,
understand where he's at, how he got there
and help him shift out of that space.
This is a question I got from a lot of my clients,
and I'm happy to address it, and give you some clear steps
you can use that I guarantee
you are going to make a difference for you.
Before I do that, take a second,
hit that little subscribe button if you haven't yet.
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and I'd love to have you as part of the tribe.
Let's go ahead and let's dive into this subject.
The first thing to do,
if you experience your man, say, he comes home from work,
and for whatever reason, he's just shut down,
he's irritated, he's grumpy, he's in a tough space.
The first thing you want to do is not take it personally.
[chuckles]
The first thing you want to do is not make it about you.
This happens so often with my clients and other women that I know in my life.
Anytime that a man that they're in relationship with
is in a bad mood, the first thing they do is be like,
"What did I do?" They project
their own wounds and their own trauma onto it
and then they become reactive.
If you get triggered by your man's bad mood,
know that you're not going to be able to serve him,
you're not going to be able to support him,
you're not going to be able to give him the help that he needs
to help him shift out of that.
You're going to probably end up making the whole situation worse,
because if he's in a bad mood,
and then you get reactive and you take it personally,
then it becomes this back and forth conflict.
Step one, don't take it personally.
Don't make it about you.
Recognize that you have an opportunity here to help him shift
and deepen your connection.
Once you're grounded and you're not taking it personally,
and you're grounded in the fact that you're here to support him,
and you're here to really get to the bottom of this,
your next step is to warmly,
and softly, and invitingly ask him how he's doing.
Don't ask, "What's wrong?"
Don't ask, "Why are you in a bad mood?" [chuckles]
Simply, open the door to conversation by saying,
"Hey, how's it going? How was your day?
What's going on?"
That's a very important distinction to make, because so often,
a man feels like he has to go on the defensive if he gets asked,
"What's wrong with you? Why are you in a bad mood?
Yada, yada, yada."
That's a lot of times what women do after they've taken it personally
and they've decided that it's something about them
or they've started to feel fearful about the fact that he's in a bad mood.
Recognize that you don't want to make a man feel any worse.
You don't want to make him feel fearful.
You don't want to make him put up his defenses.
Because it's already hard enough for men to talk about their feelings.
It's very hard for most men to share, especially feelings that are negative,
especially fears that they may have because there's been such a glorification
in our culture for men to be these strong,
immovable, fearless providers.
You're looking to help a man lower his walls and connect with you.
Just warmly, simply and safely asking him,
"Hey, how was your day? What's going on?"
It's going to really invite him to lower his walls
and be vulnerable with you and not go on the defensive.
If he does, once you've asked him this powerful, warm and inviting question,
if he does lower his walls and he softens,
and he starts opening up to you about what he's feeling,
what happened to him at work,
what he's scared of, what he's experiencing,
your job is to do two things.
Your job is to hold space,
and your job is to ask questions to help him go deeper into this.
Because he might start at a very surface level.
As he starts talking, your job is to hold space.
Your job is to listen.
Your job is to make this conversation about him.
This conversation is not about you, it's not about your feelings,
[chuckles]
and it's not about whether anything he said
or anything that he's doing is triggering you.
Your job is to hold space for him and be a container for him to release
and unload what he's been holding on to, what's causing him stress,
what's causing him fear, what's causing him anxiety.
He'll hopefully start opening up to you about all those things.
He'll start unloading with you about his boss.
Maybe he's got some fears around money.
Maybe he had something come up with his dad or his mom.
Who knows? It could be any one of a million things.
Your job is to hold space.
Do not go into judgment on him.
This is very big.
Don't go into judgment on him.
Don't get triggered by what he says.
Maybe it has something to do with you and the relationship.
Again, this is a huge opportunity for you to not take it personally.
Throughout this entire thing, throughout this entire process,
your biggest job is to not take what he's saying personally
or as a reflection of you.
Hold space for him, and then as he's talking,
ask him questions, ask him feeling questions.
"Wow, that must've been really hard with your boss.
How did it make you feel when he told you that you're not eligible
for a raise until next year?
Are you scared about the fact
that you just lost $25,000 in the stock market?"
Have him put words on his feelings.
Men a lot of times are really good at talking about the A to B to C facts
of the situation and the chain of events and all that stuff,
but the way it's making them feel can be a lot more difficult for a man
to open up about.
If you can ask him questions that helps him put words on his feelings
and helps him connect to his feelings,
you're doing him a huge service because there's a chance
he hasn't even thought about the feelings that he has around this.
He doesn't even understand why he's in a bad mood
until you're able to help him connect
the connection between his experiences and his feelings.
Hold space,
ask questions that help him put words on feelings and go deeper with it.
You're going to be doing him a huge benefit,
and you're going to be deepening the connection
between the two of you as well.
In the alternative, if he's not able,
if you find him just dismissing this or being like, "No, I'm fine.
It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it."
Okay.
If you push too hard on a guy when he's in that space
and he's decided that he doesn't want to talk about it,
guess what, if you keep pushing, you're going to shut him down more,
you're going to cause him to pull away more.
Rather than pushing and prying on him if he's not comfortable sharing,
go an alternate route.
Use physical touch.
Go and hug him, sit down with him on the couch,
cuddle him, maybe give him a head massage.
Use an alternate love language to help give him comfort and safety.
Because remember, the end goal of this
is to help shift him out of that bad mood.
Sometimes, when a man has had a hard day,
and he's had a really stressful day, and he knows that talking about,
it isn't going to make feel any better,
and there's really nothing you can do to help him,
one of the greatest ways that you can help shift him out of that mood isn't to try
to interrogate him or talk to him about all his stuff,
but it's just to pet him.
It's just to help him feel safe,
help him feel loved in a way that really lands with him.
For a lot of guys,
that way is through physical touch.
Just by holding him,
or touching him, or caressing him,
you're going to help give him a sense of comfort and a sense of safety
that can hopefully help pull him out of whatever fear,
or anxiety, or trigger he's feeling
because of what he experienced out there in the world.
As my last tip around helping to shift a man out of his bad mood
and helping him get into a better space, is no matter what he says,
and no matter what he does, and no matter how it unfolds,
do not take it personally.
Do not become reactive, do not operate from judgment.
Even if he says something you didn't expect,
even if he goes somewhere,
even if maybe just talking about it at least initially makes him angrier,
don't allow his anger, or his frustration,
or whatever he shares to trigger you or to activate you
and get you into an angry space.
Because he's already in a bad space.
If you allow yourself to get down to that negative space that he's at,
you two are going to end up-- It's going to create a fight
rather than create a comfort and a resolution.
No matter where he's at,
maintain your energy and maintain a commitment to supporting him
and shifting out of that space.
Whether it be through a deep and meaningful conversation,
or maybe just a cuddle,
you have a ton of power at your disposal to help shift the man that you care about
out of his bad mood.
I hope this landed with you.
If it did, take a second, hit that little subscribe button.
Get out there and comfort your man in a way that really lands with them.
I will see you next time on my YouTube channel.
Bye-bye.