- (Kim) It's so great to be here tonight.
I know, I'm surprised to see me here too.
- I loved this, iconic. Libra, Libra.
- (Kim) You want me to host? Why?
(Danny laughs)
- (Kim) I haven't had a movie premiere in a really long time.
- In a really... (laughs)
- (Kim) I mean actually, I only had that one movie come out,
and no one told me it was even premiering.
- (laughs) Okay, that's pretty good.
- (Kim) It must have slipped my mom's mind.
- Ugh.
- So funny.
- (Kim) ...to show you guys that I'm so much more
than just a pretty face. - She is!
- Whoever helped her write this is just so dead on.
Everything that she mentions in this roast,
the opening monologue is so perfect.
- (Kim) And great makeup, and amazing boobs,
and a perfect butt.
Basically, I'm just so much more than that reference photo
my sisters showed their plastic surgeons.
- Oh my gosh! (laughs)
- That was pretty good, I mean, at least she's self-aware.
- (React) Alright, scale of one to five,
how hot was that roast?
- One to five, I'd give it like a baseline of three.
That was pretty good.
- I thought it was a five.
- I'll give it a one.
The writers, great, five.
- Green Lantern is available to rent for 99 cents on Apple TV.
- It's been nine years, should I do it?
- Walk away. (laughs)
- Ryan Reynolds, top class, hottest man alive.
'Nuff said, I mean, it makes sense, yeah.
He knows when he [censored] up.
- But it's only 99 cents! What a steal!
- That was like a light roast, that was like a three.
I mean, it's been nine years!
- You know what, I've been there. I'm gonna give him a five too.
- I'm gonna go with five,
I mean, maybe that one's not like the best,
but he always delivers.
- The audience when I walk on stage without a cowboy hat.
I love Lil Nas X.
- (Keke) I hate to say it, I hope I don't sound ridiculous,
I don't know who this man is. (Sharon laughs)
He could be walking down the street, I wouldn't know him.
- I love Keke so much.
- Lil Nas X, he's good.
- I think at this point, it's pretty easy to recognize him.
- I'm only gonna say a three.
- I'm gonna go with a five.
- Was it a roast? I don't know.
I think he's just smart as [censored].
I'm gonna give him a five, 'cause it's him.
- Cole Sprouse. I love his picture.
Shame the closest thing men get to lingerie is Minion apparel.
- Gross!
- (gasps) Is this yours? That is hilarious.
- Nah, that one's way too big! (laughs)
- Nah, that one's way too big. (whispers) Stop.
- This is funny, because the spice level,
when it comes to Riverdale, is Disney+, maybe.
- That one was like a four too, I like that one.
- I would say like a four.
- Three on that one?
- I'm gonna give them like a one.
Not really a roast,
just kind of like too much information for me.
- I'd give that one a four, that's funny.
I mean, a lot of people make those jokes.
Not a lot of celebrities make those jokes.
- Okay, James Blunt.
If you thought 2016 was bad, I'm releasing an album in 2017.
That one's funny. (laughs)
- (React) Do you know who James Blunt is?
- No.
- I know the name, I don't know exactly who he is.
(React clears throat)
- Oh! - ♪ You're beautiful ♪
- Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- ♪ You're beautiful, it's true ♪
- ♪ I saw her face ♪ ♪ In a crowded place ♪
♪ And I don't know what to do ♪
♪ But you roasted yourself ♪ ♪ It's true ♪
- This is an internal cringe moment.
- I gotta give him a five, mainly because I didn't know
who he was, which is a roast in itself.
- Like a three. That one was pretty funny.
- Two or three, I mean, it's alright.
- That one's a four, I like that one.
I feel bad for him.
- This is a two.
Maybe he was too good, and too accurate,
and too self-roasty to the point where I'm like "you good, bro?"
But deep down, are you good? (laughs)
- Oh, Billy, I mean, imagine how I feel.
- The fact that Billy Eichner exists gives me a headache. (laughs)
Oh my gosh.
- See, this is more funny, I don't know.
Maybe it's because I know who Billy Eichner is,
and like again, self-deprecation is his thing.
- You know, he's kind of the king of roasting himself,
so I'm gonna give it to him. I'll give him a five.
- 3.5.
- It's alright, it's a one.
- Billy Eichner's hilarious, I [censored] love his stuff.
Imagine how I feel! You don't even know the half of it!
Oh my God! (laughs)
- Hi to whoever made this edit.
I don't even know what this is, Katy.
- Ooh, Katy, what is that? (laughs)
- That's really good, yeah, that's good.
- Poor Katy Perry. I love you, KP.
But [censored] dude, come on!
It's smart of her to take the piss with it,
so I'll give her a five.
- A four, it's just Katy being Katy.
- And that's gonna roll in a one or a two,
because the comment to the edit, right?
- Definitely more of a one,
because it's not really a roast, as it is, she's just acknowledging it.
- Oh, Chrissy Teigen.
I have not put my phone down once today.
- My hand, it aches, my eyes, dry, my pettiness.
- My pettiness has somehow maintained its strength. (laughs)
- Her life is so hard,
because she can not put down her phone today.
Her hands and her eyes hurt!
Put the phone down, Chrissy, we believe!
- One, one.
See, I don't think that's poking fun at themselves,
like the walk away, that's really funny.
This one's more like you know, here I come.
Coming after ya.
- Oh, I don't wanna be mean, I'm gonna give her a three.
- This is a fun drag,
but it's a three, considering she's Chrissy Teigen.
- That seems fine, I give that overall a three.
I mean, that's what Twitter's for, anyway.
Sucks, but I mean, I guess that's what it's for.
- When your fans keep asking you for new music.
- When your fans keep asking you for new music!
I'm gonna give this a 4.5, because it's Rihanna!
- Oh my God, Rihanna.
She hasn't released a song in a while.
- (React) A very long time. - Very long time! (laughs)
- Love this one. Love it, five, queen.
- People ask Ri in public if she's gonna drop new music,
and she's like annoyed. It's like a current theme.
But this is funny 'cause she's like clapping back at it.
- I wouldn't say this is more a roast,
as it is just acknowledging it, so I'd give that one like a one.
- (React) She posted this two years ago,
she has yet to release any new music.
- Maybe she's done. It's a one.
I don't think that was really like a dig.
- 10 out of 10.
Waiting to walk in Savage X Fenty, should be happening soon.
Mark my words.
I want lingerie and music.
- Dear famous people do you ever get...
- See, this is like famous people just being famous and rich.
- Do you ever get annoyed of Seth Rogen's laugh
when you hang out with him? Serious question, thanks.
- They do. (laughs)
Okay, that's, see I like that. It's very simple.
- Yeah, they do. They do. (laughs)
- He responded so fast! Like four minutes! (laughs)
Refreshing his Twitter.
He's like hey, CrimeTaco, you gonna post it?
(Jaxon imitates Seth Rogen's laugh)
- That's funny.
I feel like all of Seth Rogen makes up for his one laugh,
and even so, his laugh is funny, so.
- I haven't even read it.
This is what an updated Home Alone would actually look like.
(laughs)
- That's what I look like during quarantine. (laughs)
- There's so much to unpack, but it's so Macaulay Culkin of him.
- My entire life, I've been compared to the, just not this photo, okay?
Please?
- Look at the upside down Christmas pillow! (laughs)
- I love how the pillow's just flipped upside down.
Every time you look at the screen,
there's something different!
- You can tell that's his favorite cushion,
'cause it's a little more, it's even backwards.
Look, the zipper is under his knee.
- I give a four. I mean, self aware,
makes sense, it's great.
- It's a five.
- He gets a five, but I'm disappointed.
I want him to be like saved babyface again.
- I'm gonna go with that.
That's a good, that's a 10, that's a 10.
That's good.
- If you're sad, you have to make God-complexy jokes
to hype yourself up, and if you're too hyped up,
you have to make self-deprecating jokes.
So it's all about the balance! (laughs)
- If you cannot roast yourself, how can you roast anybody else?
Just like if you can't love yourself, how can you love anybody else?
- Thanks for watching this piping hot episode!
- Which celebrity roast was the best?
Let us know in the comments.
- Go ahead, roast me. (laughs)
- I'd like to think that a lot of people
just wanna see the good stuff, but sometimes,
they just wanna see you do the [censored] everybody else does.
So... ♪ We're all in this together ♪
Except for all the haters. You guys can leave.