[Intro music]
Kale is probably the most hated leafy green on the planet
but it's not just because it's become a symbol of hipster-ism
It's because out of all of the leafy greens, kale is the most smug.
That's why step one when making kale chips, is to humble your kale.
Hey, look at me, you're not better than anybody. OK?
See this? It's called Romaine.
It comes from Rome. Where do you come from? Nowhere. That's where.
It's got a high heat tolerance. People use this to make open-faced tuna sandwiches.
People don't use you to make open-faced anything because your spine's too thick and nobody wants to eat it.
Think about that.
See this?
It's called Arugula
You get more flavor from taking one look at arugula than you do from eating your entire body, K?
Don't forget that.
See this? It's called red leaf lettuce. The leaves have red in them. Do you have any red in you? No, you don't, 'cause you're boring
Oh, look at this, it's a bag of mixed greens. Everyone's invited to the party except you. Why? Because you have the texture of rubber, that's why.
Also, you're not a lettuce, you're a cruciferous vegetable. You'll never be a lettuce.
Don't forget that.
See this?
It's called iceberg lettuce [sigh]. You're actually better than iceberg lettuce, I can't lie about that.
It's a flavorless textured ball.
The ancestors of the people who died in the Titanic have more respect for actual icebergs than they do for iceberg lettuce.
That's how bad it is. It's basically crispy water.
[Sigh] So you got that going for you.
But at least it's named after something cool. It's not named after something that rhymes with hail which falls from the sky and hurts people every year so..
Don't forget that.
So now you're gonna wanna bail the kale out of the pail that you got on sale
Then check it for nails and then pull off its tail while muffling its wail and inspect it to make sure it doesn't contain snails
And that it's not too frail. And then use it to check your mail and rub it on the rails with a banana for scale.
Then do a criminal background check to make sure it's never been in the prison system because you don't need that kind of negative energy when you're making kale chips
Now you wanna wash the kale but make sure you dry it so the water doesn't interfere with the cooking
You can give it a vigorous shake or hang it from the cupboard
Or hold it outside in the rain so that the raindrops cancel out the tap drops
Or use a hair flattener.
Or a hair dryer
Or put it in the microwave for 0.5 seconds
Or tuck it in for a good night's rest
Or warm it by the fire
Or just become a human salad spinner
Oh, God, I feel sick.
Now that the kale isn't so high on itself, you can go ahead and tear off some big pieces
Take a bowl
Put in a handful of kale pieces. Better enough to cover an onion pan.
Put in a drizzle of olive oil
Bit of salt
And mix that up really good.
Take a pan
With some parchment paper.
Spread them out in a single layer
Onion's on 350
And we'll put those in for about ten minutes
Don't forget to set a timer on your phone.
If you wanna get a little more flavorful than that..
Take some olive oil
And some dijon
Mix it together
Take another handful of kale and get it covered
Add a little salt
Now take a pan
And some parchment paper
And spread your kale out in a single layer
Onion's on tree fiddy
And we'll put that in for about ten minutes.
If you wanna take a sharp left turn to Flavortown
Take some ginger
Pour in some olive oil
Grate the ginger into that
Now add in a little bit of honey
Throw in a handful of kale
Mix the honey ginger in there
And then coat that the F up
Add in a little salt
There's a lot of folds in kale. If you were to unfold one kale leaf, it could cover a whole football field
If that football field was approximately the size of that kale leaf
You wanna take a pan with a piece of parchment paper
Spread that kale out in a single layer
Ungo's on three fungo
Put that in here for about ten minutes
Now if you wanna take a sharp right turn into Spice Village
Take some olive oil
Add in some cumin
And then you decide if you wanna put honey or something sweet in here
If you're not sure if you should, ask yourself
Do I like sweet things or do I only like round things?
You wanna coat it nice and evenly
Now for this one, you wanna take a pan
A single piece of parchment paper
You wanna spread that on in one layer
Onion's on three funyun
We're just gonna put these ones inside for about.. Ten minutes
Okay, so our first batch of kale chips is done here
Olive oil and salt kale chips are really good
Mustard kale chips are.. A little over done
Now we've got the.. Sweet and gingery ones
Whoa, look at this
Ventured into the danger zone here but pulled it out in the nick of time
[crunches]
Damn these are the best and it's not just 'cause of my sugar addiction
[whispers] Yes it is
You can't make kale chips if you're the kind of person that'll just get distracted b-
Oh.. Duct tape I love this stuff
And finally we've got our cumin spiced kale chips
Just kale chip perfection raining down on us
[Crunches] Mmm
No one wants to be that jackass that shows up to a party with kale chips
But also you probably wanna bring your kale chips to a party and show everyone how good they are
[Sigh] So
The way you solve this is
Take some of that parchment paper
Tape it together
Don't make the mistake of thinking you can use masking tape
I listened to someone who recommended masking tape on parchment paper and uh
It didn't stick at all and so I cut her out of my life
[Ripping]
And then decide what you're gonna name your kale chips
Frumpty Clumpty Kale Chips
Blays Paleo Crisps
We got Cool Branch Horriblos
Cruciferous Belligerence
We got Sour Dreaming Bunyan Flavored Kale Chips
And.. Taclitos
And the final step is to post on Instagram about how you made kale chips and how kale chips are the best
And how they saved your life and how they're so good for your kids
And how you'll never eat potato chips again and only horrible people eat potato chips
And basically potato chips can suck your
♪ You Suck at Cooking ♪
Hey, so the reason I haven't posted much recently is because I've been making a new series that's called You Suck at Everything
Where I teach you how to suck at
Games
Ghosts
Space
Digging Holes
And a bunch of other things
If you feel like it, you can download the full screen app and start your one-week free trial
Or go to fullscreen.com/yousuck
There's nine episodes with two coming out each week
So if you have nothing better to do, watch You Suck at Everything now on Fullscreen
Or don't
See if I give a care
[whispers] Actually I do give a care, please check it out. Thanks okay bye
♪ Yeah you totally suck ♪