Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach relationships and self-government and parenting. Do you
want to know how to have a good relationship with your family? Well that's what we're talking
about in this video.
In this video, we're gonna talk about the 4 things that you can
do to strengthen the relationship with your family so that you can have those times of
family bonds that you've always dreamed of. And be sure to stay 'til the end because I
have a gift for you, something you can use right now to strengthen your family relationships
at your house. So I'm known all over the world for teaching the principles of self-government.
What is self-government? Well, self-government is being able to be able to determine the
cost and effect of any given situation and possessing a knowledge of your own behavior
so that you can control them. Well, in order to actually learn and master self-government
within yourself and to help your children learn self-government, you need an environment
that is honest. So honesty is the first principle I'd like to share with you today. Do you know
oftentimes when we are frustrated with somebody else's behavior and the more we start taking
their behavior more personally and we stop being calm, we oftentimes are buying into
lies that we are creating into our own head about that person and then we start communicating
based upon those lies and that actually creates walls where people start to go against each
other instead of bond and come to understanding with each other. So in order to have good
relationships, you need good understanding. To create good understanding, you need honesty.
If you're going to have honesty as part of your environment with your family relationships,
then you can't be emotionally manipulating others because manipulation is the opposite
of honesty. Now I know there's probably somebody saying yeah, but those emotions, we've got
to talk about those. I do have other videos about validating emotions and it is important
for us to understand what to do with emotions, not all emotions are bad, however we would
be lying to ourselves if we did not acknowledge that many of our emotions are actually used
to manipulate or control other people, and if you are doing that to your family or if
someone is doing it to you, people feel it. You've felt it before, so we don't want that
type of environment, that's why the first principle for today is honesty, which means
that you've got to self-govern yourself if you're gonna teach them self-government too.
The 2nd principle is roles. Yeah, roles. R-O-L-E-S. So how do roles help us have good relationships
in our family? Well, did you know that the majority of disfunction in a family happens
when one person is not living according to their role. If a child for instance tries
to tell the parent what to do all of the time, that child is not living in their role. They're
trying to usurp the parent role. The parent is bothered by this even if they don't necessarily
know how to handle it, but things start feeling weird, people get resentful of others. The
child actually resents the parent for not being the leader and the parent feels a little
resentful for the child telling them what to do all the time. So in order to eliminate
disfunction, we need to make sure that we clearly identify what our roles are. And roles
are not the same thing as responsibilities. So there are many responsibilities that a
person can have such as making dinner or mowing the lawn, those tasks could be assigned to
anyone, but to be a mother, what is that? To nurture another person the way a mother
does, no one can take that place. No one. A mother is the heart and hearthstone of her
family. She is a compass and a guide and a protector for her children, and a father?
What is the role of father? Fathers often provide for the family and protect as well.
And both mother and father are teachers. So what is the child? Well the role of the child
is learner. If teachers don't teach or learners don't learn, then you have disfunction. I
actually created a book all about this topic called "Roles: The Secret to Family, Business
and Social Success." I created this book because I realized that for some reason in modern
days, we've lost sight of just basic family roles so that the people in the family can
function better together, I thought maybe they need to read a story about a family who
came to understand their roles and it ended up leading their family to unity and bonding.
So, hopefully, you will think hard about what is your role really, not your responsibilities,
your role. Who are you to each other and help your children understand that too so that
they can see nobody's happy when people are in a state of role disfunction. Before I get
to my next 2 principles, hit the subscribe button. As you can see, we are just scratching
the surface here. This channel is just chuck full of new content all the time that will
help your family bond together and develop more self-government. Principle number 3 is
good problem-solving skills. Your family needs to know how to solve their problems before
a problem occurs, otherwise they will fall into a trap of power struggling and emotional
manipulation. This means the family needs to decide ahead of time how are we going to
solve a problem when someone is disobedient and doesn't follow instructions and what tone
is gonna be part of that problem-solving too. In order to have an environment or a person
has good problem-solving and it leads towards honesty and self-government, you have to have
the right type of tone or feeling of the teaching and a certain type of structure that's deliberate,
non-emotional and accepting of the person going through this process of correcting a
problem or learning new things. In this book, which is "Parenting A House United" and in
my course "The Teaching Self-Government Parenting" course which is on my website teachingselfgovernment.com,
I go into great detail about different skills that you can use to problem solve better as
a family. Some of the skills I teach in my course are skills like how to accept "no"
answers or criticism, how to accept consequences, how to disagree appropriately, we're gonna
be talking about that in a minute. I also teach things like how to calmly correct your
child, how to help them go from being out of control to being in control without losing
your calmness at the same time. This is super powerful. These are just a few things I talk
about. Pre-teaching, how to properly praise a child so that they want to repeat a good
behavior. Everything that parents need for teaching and bonding with their children.
Now this brings me to principle number 4. Principle number 4 is open communication.
So if you're going to have a great environment for good relationship building, there's got
to be a lot of good talk that's going on, right? So I think some people mistakenly assume
that because I teach things like accepting "no" answer which includes a step that is
called drop the subject that somehow I am not open to communication with my children.
That is absolutely untrue. So you have to have good, open communication with your family
members in order to create that understanding to have those good relationships that everybody's
looking for. So 1 skill that is fantastic at creating a pattern of good, open communication
with children is a skill called disagreeing appropriately. I have a set of children's
books that teach the 4 basic skills that children need to take care of 99.9% of their behaviors
and this book, "Paije Takes The Stage" teaches the skill disagreeing appropriately. So the
skill disagreeing appropriately has multiple steps. First you look at the person, then
you keep a calm face, voice and body. Then you say that you understand the other person's
point of view, you share your point of view, you listen to what they have to say and then
you say okay and you drop the subject. You may not get everything you want all the time
but we can disagree appropriately with each other. The disagree appropriately skill is
so good for parents and children. I've told my children that if they ever come to me and
say mom, may I disagree appropriately? The answer will always be yes you may. And then
they'll say mom, I understand that you don't want me to have a cookie but, and then they
go on and share why they think they need to have a cookie. If my child is gonna not choose
to be emotional and go to logical and bonding and good communication. I'm probably gonna
tell them they get to have that cookie. Why wouldn't I reward such great self-governed
behavior? So the skill disagreeing appropriately is the gateway skill to self-government. But
it's not just for parents and children, it's for husband and wife, it's for brothers and
sisters, it's for children and teachers, children and grandparents, well it's for you and your
parents too. Everyone needs to know how to disagree appropriately with each other. It's
basically the beginning of diplomacy and don't we all need a little bit more civility and
diplomacy in the world we live in right now? I think we do. Things are getting a little
bit wild, maybe a little be too wild for out good. So teaching your children to disagree
appropriately with you will create the type of relationships in your home where you can
establish a place of calmness. So remember I have a free gift for you? Well now is the
time for me to tell you what that is. We've been talking about calmness quite a bit in
this video. I would like to share with you my Calm Parenting toolkit for free so, in
the description below this video, there is a link. I believe it's the top link and it
says the word "toolkit" in it, something like TSG Calm Toolkit or Calm Parenting Toolkit,
something like that, and click that link and you can have the Calm Parenting toolkit for
free. I want you to have that toolkit because it gives you key skills and principles that
you need in order to start your family on the track to increase bonding, unity, understanding
and those types of relationships that really will be a refuge in this crazy world that
we live in. So click on that link now and I will see you there.