Warning! The following video contains spoilers for Rogue One: a Star Wars Story
Guys, you've seriously got to learn how to spell rogue.
You memba A New Hope.
You memba Darth Vader.
Now prepare to memba the handful of years between the rise of Darth Vader and the start of A New Hope.
We call it the Death Star.
Oh, they're gonna just rehash everything from Star Wars aren't they?
I've got bad feeling about... -K.. - Quiet!
[Rouge] One: A Star Wars Story
Get ready for Disney's first Star Wars anthology movie because there's no way in hell
they'd call it Star Wars prequel number four in what has to be the most money
anyone's ever spent to fill in a plot hole.
That's the place I've laid my trap.
That answers your most pressing questions.
How exactly did the rebels get the plans to the Death Star?
Did they grab a data tape with a giant claw machine then use a big antenna to beam the data tape to a ship and
Then did that ship transfer the data to another smaller tape and then
did princess Leia copy that smaller tape on to a tiny droid's hard drive?
You know, whoever said this one is as good as Empire must be really into file formats.
Meet an all new gang of rebels you, uuhh, how do I put this, shouldn't get too attached to.
Like Jyn Erso, the rebellious rebel who rebels so hard, she does whatever her dad tells her.
It must be destroyed. -I know, we will.
Whatever her surrogate dad tells her.
Go with him Jyn. You must go.
And whatever her new co-worker tells her.
I'm coming with you. -No, we can't risk it.
But sometimes she's pretty grumpy about it.
Rebelling alongside Jyn is K-2S0,
a droid with more personality than any of the human characters.
I'll be there for you. Cassian said I had to.
Cassian, a rebel whose most heroic moment comes when he doesn't murder someone for once.
I had every chance to pull the trigger, but did I?
Saw Gerrera, an extremist cast out of the alliance by extensive reshoots.
Chirrut, the blind guy who's technically not a Jedi, but I mean come on, look at this guy.
And his friend, uh, Gunny McShootface.
I'd add more, but that's pretty much all there is to this guy.
Cower before the might of the Empire, as various old dudes squabble over who gets credit for the Death Star.
We stand here amidst my achievement, not yours!
While down on the battlefield stormtroopers are rolling out in two brand new flavors,
but with the same old incompetence we're used to. Whether they're missing easy shots,
One with the force, the force is with me.
Casually getting taken out,
or setting up their weakness of sticks that the ewoks would take advantage of.
Why do they even bother with the armor at all?
Enjoy one of the most beautiful Star Wars films to date,
that feels like the world's biggest budget fan fillm.
Full of Easter eggs It will have die hard fans saying:
Gold leader. Red leader. -Awesome!
The Guardians of the Whills. -I get that reference. Hey its prequel guy. Blue milk, cool.
Why does nobody ever tell me anything R2?
Okay? I like them.
You just watch yourself
So that's where those cantina guys were? They were.. walking around.
Yeah, the T15s have been marked obsolete.
T15s, yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to have to look that one up later. Whoa. What an awesome way to put Tarkin in the mo-? Uhg
Never mind, and this feels wrong somehow.
But nothing will service fans harder and faster than Darth Frickin Vader
as a much older sounding James Earl Jones,
tries to give us a new iconic scene.
Be careful not to choke on your aspirations.
Ughh, Who let George Lucas write a line?
But just when you think he's been wasted, extend your lightsabers for
the most badass Star Wars moment put to film: the hallway scene.
Which makes Vader's next fight in the timeline even sillier than it already was.
Booo, do more tricks
Not starring:
The following shots you saw in the trailers that weren't in the movie-
Jyn vs. a tie fighter,
the group working together,
actual heisting,
war-torn Scarif,
this iconic shot of Jyn undercover,
unused Vader?
Saw Gerrera's other haircut,
the shot they based the whole marketing campaign on,
all these other cool shots,
and, this line: This is a rebellion, isn't it?
I rebel.
OK, cutting that one makes sense.
Suicide Squad: an unnecessary Star Wars Story
I'm one with the force, the force is with me.
'm one with the force, and the force is with me
That's not how the force works!
Think the internet has enough Star Wars shows? Think again
We've launched an all-new show with professional. Youngling Jenny Nicholson
to explore the outer rim of the Star Wars universe.
Watch this week as she tackles what Star Wars creatures would you eat?
Then puts her credits where her mouth is and the ultimate galactic taste test.
Why what is this meat? -Oh gross
it's screen Junkies millennial Falcon weekly, and it's free every Saturday on screen Junkies News.