WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE HAVE MOVED INTO--
YOU KNOW WHY THESE PEOPLE-- YOU KNOW WHY THESE PEOPLE ARE
EXCITED?
THEY KNOW-- THEY KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY.
WE'VE MOVED INTO AN EXCITING NEW PHASE OF IMPEACHMENT BECAUSE
THE HOUSE JUDICIARY PANEL IS SET TO DEBATE ARTICLES OF
IMPEACHMENT TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT-- THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S IMPEACHMENT AFTER DARK.
♪ ♪ ♪ OOOH, CONGRESSMAN NADLER, MY
PRESIDENTIAL POWER HAS BEEN BADLY ABUSED.
( LAUGHTER )
GAVEL, AND I PROMISE YOU, I'LL YIELD BACK MY TIME.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FORWARD, BECAUSE WE'RE AT A WEIRD POINT.
THEY ALREADY WROTE UP THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT, BUT
THEY'RE NOT VOTING ON THEM.
IT'S LIKE THE SET BREAK AT A CONCERT: RIGHT NOW WE'RE JUST
MILLING AROUND, HITTING UP THE MERCH TABLE, DECIDING IF 80
BUCKS IS TOO MUCH TO PAY FOR A "MONSTERS OF CONSTITUTIONAL
ENFORCEMENT"TOUR SHIRT.
LET'S KEEP TALKING ABOUT IMPEACHMENT, SHALL WE, IN
TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> HE IS A MONSTER.
>> Stephen: WITH IMPEACHMENT CLOSING IN, LAST NIGHT,
TRUMP WENT TO HIS HAPPY PLACE: ANGER.
HE HELD A MAGA/KAG RALLY IN HERSHEY, PENNSYLVANIA--
OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE PENNSYLVANIA IS A CRITICAL SWING STATE AND
NOT BECAUSE HE'S A BIG BABY WHO LIKES CANDY.
>> HERSHEY CHOCOLATE.
I LIKE HERSHEY CHOCOLATE!
>> Stephen: I STAND CORRECTED.
IMPEACHMENT WAS CLEARLY ON THE PRESIDENT'S MIND.
>> THIS IS THE LIGHTEST, WEAKEST IMPEACHMENT.
YOU KNOW, OUR COUNTRY'S HAD ACTUALLY MANY IMPEACHMENTS.
THIS IS IMPEACHMENT-LITE.
THIS IS THE LIGHTEST IMPEACHMENT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, IT'S IMPEACHMENT-LITE.
AMERICA'S GOING ON A DIET.
WE'VE GOT TO LOSE 239 POUNDS OF DEAD WEIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SAYS.
TRUMP ALSO WENT AFTER SOME OF HIS DEMOCRATIC RIVALS.
>> CRAZY ELIZABETH WARREN-- OR AS I AFFECTIONATELY
CALL HER, POCAHANTAS.
SHE'S STARTING TO CRASH AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I KNOCKED HER DOWN.
I DID THAT HEAVY, HEAVY POCAHANTAS DEAL.
I GIVE HER CREDIT.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS LEFT FOR-- I MEAN, THERE WERE JUST, LIKE,
LITTLE EMBERS.
AND THEN SHE ROSE-- SHE ROSE.
BUT THEN SHE OPENED THAT FRESH MOUTH OF HERS, AND IT STOPPED.
>> Stephen: WOW, "FRESH MOUTH."
YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE THERE, BUT THANK YOU.
THAT IS SOME OLD-SCHOOL SEX.
OR MAYBE TRUMP'S JUST NOT USED TO WOMEN TALKING.
( AS TRUMP )
WIFE, OKAY?
SHE NEVER SAYS A WORD OR MAKES EYE CONTACT.
SHE JUST SITS THERE STARING INTO THE MIDDLE DISTANCE, CLUTCHING A
CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT UNTIL IT EXPLODES IN HER HAND."
( LAUGHTER )
THE PRESIDENT SEEMED TO GET A LITTLE SLEEPY, WHICH LED TO SOME
TROUBLE SPEAKING.
>> AND THEN THEY ANNOUNCED THERE WAS (SLURRING) NOOOBYESS-ZNOT.
>> Stephen: "NO-BAZSH-NO."
HE'S GOING AFTER THE EVANGELICAL VOTE BY SPEAKING IN TONGUES.
THEN, TRUMP TOLD A STORY ABOUT A SUPPORTER WHOSE MARRIAGE HE SAID
HE SAVED.
>> I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE THAT COME UP AND SAY, "THANK YOU,
SIR.
MY WIFE IS SO IN LOVE WITH ME BECAUSE I WENT UP 79% IN THE
401(K).
SHE THANKS I'M A GENIUS.
SHE ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS A TOTAL STIFF, A DUMB, STUPID DOPE.
NOW SHE THANKS I'M A FINANCIAL GENIUS, SIR.
( APPLAUSE )
STOCK.
I HAVE STOCK IN A 401(K), AND YOU MADE ME INTO A GENIUS.
SHE LOVES ME SO MUCH MORE THAN SHE EVER DID.
SHOWS YOU THE POWER OF MONEY, RIGHT?
ISN'T THAT TERRIBLE?
>> Stephen: IT'S A BEAUTIFUL STORY.
THIS-- THIS IS REALLY GOING TO RESONATE WITH ACTUAL PEOPLE IN
IN REAL, TOTALLY NOT-MADE-UP MARRIAGES.
IN FACT, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN HAS ALREADY TURNED THIS STORY INTO
AN AD.
>> HONEY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE MOVING OUT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO YOUR SISTER'S TO THINK THINGS OVER.
>> I WAS.
BUT SOMETHING CHANGED.
YOU WENT UP 79% IN THE 401(K).
I'M SO IN LOVE WITH YOU.
>> BUT YOU SAID I WAS A TOTAL STIFF, A DUMB--
>> STUPID DOPE.
I KNOW, BUT NOW I THINK YOU'RE A FINANCIAL GENIUS.
>> ALL I DID WAS BUY SOME STOCK.
I HAVE STOCK IN A 401(K).
>> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN I EVER DID.
THAT SHOWS YOU THE POWER OF MONEY.
IS THAT TERRIBLE?
>> THANK YOU, SIR.
>> PAID FOR BY TRUMP 2020.