Hideo Kojima's games are known for tackling complex ideas.
From delving into the nuances of the human psyche,
to figuring out how much Norman Reedus needs to pee.
But I'm not here to discuss or explain any of the plotlines in Kojima's games.
I am here to talk about Kojima's names.
Kojima has written quite a few games, and in nearly every single one
of them, the characters are given just the most wild-ass names possible.
Death Stranding is perhaps the most obvious example of this wack-namery.
But that's just because Kojima has had his hands in nearly every aspect of development.
And because no one has had the guts to say,
"Hey, Kojima, you can't just name a dude Die-Hardman."
But he's been doing this for years. How could we forget such wonderful names as
Dirty Duck, Hot Coldman, Naked Snake,
or perhaps the wildest character in any Kojima game...
Hideo Kojima.
It might seem impossible to have the naming talent that blesses Kojima's magical mind,
but I've done the research,
and I have developed a Hideo Kojima Name Generator.
What's more, I've developed it so that you
can find exactly what your name would be if you were in a Kojima game.
After taking all of the names of all of the characters,
I was able to dissect the purposes of each of his names.
And that's the thing about Kojima names. They all serve a purpose.
The main difficulty with creating a Kojima name generator is that I couldn't just build a wordbank
full of things like Machinegun, Snake, Deadman,
because that would be detached. Impersonal.
In order to find a Kojima name, I need to know the person who is gaining this name. And you, the viewer,
are gaining it. So we need input.
I'll explain the process as I myself go through it.
And I know that Kojima games can seem a little convoluted and extra,
but this process is extremely simple. All you need is a full set of RPG dice,
and an easy to fill out 11-page worksheet that you can download in the description below.
Section 1. Determining how many names you have.
Kojima often creates characters that have A LOT of different names.
First thing we gotta do is roll a d6.
And that is a 6, so that means I will have one name plus
six other alternate names. I'll be doing this worksheet for a while.
Section 2. Personal Information.
Every Kojima name is a representation of a character fully formed.
So I need to input some details of my own life in order to get a name that fits who I am.
What is your full name? Brian David Gilbert.
What do you do at your occupation?
I produce videos that are vaguely related to video games.
I just condense that to one word. Producer.
What was your first pet's specific species or breed?
I had a fish named Michael Thomason
and it was a Rainbow Shark.
What's your most embarrassing childhood memory?
Uh... In 7th grade
I was in a production of Beauty and the Beast, and at one point our Belle
missed her costume change, and so I had to stand out and basically ad lib for what felt like
an hour. Earlier that week, I had heard my more mature friend say a joke that I did not
realize was sexual, and so I said that joke while I was on stage,
and I saw a whole crowd of middle school parents all go
*uncomfortable noise*
So I think that one counts.
Condense this story into two words:
Lewd Improvisation.
What is the object you'd least like to be stabbed by?
Trident. It's like three stabs at once.
What is something you're good at? Jumping.
How many carrots do you believe you could eat in one sitting, if someone, like,
forced you to eat as many carrots as possible?
*thinking intensely*
I'm gonna say 16.
What is your greatest intangible fear?
This is a pretty heavy one.
I guess my greatest fear
would be, like, not being able to remember my loved ones, and just like, losing that
sense of self. So probably, I guess it would just be memory loss, is probably my greatest intangible fear.
Nine, what is your greatest tangible fear?
HORSES.
What is the last thing you did before starting this worksheet?
Started a recording.
What condition is your body currently in?
I just ate a whole lot of cottage cheese, so I'm feeling a little bloated.
Favorite state of matter? Liquid.
A word your name kind of sounds like?
If your name's Jenny, it could be Penny.
If your name's Travis...
It could be Starfish.
Mine's Brian so it'll probably just be Brain.
Zodiac sign? Aquarius.
If you had to define your personality in one word, what would it be?
I don't ac... I didn't actually plan this one out.
Do you have any suggestions, Jenna?
Jenna: Ooooh, this is a lot of pressure.
Probably say, like, pedantic. Pedant.
Pedant.
Pedant is a very good word.
We're moving on to Section 3, which is Kojima information.
Hideo Kojima cannot help himself when it comes to including his own obsessions and idiosyncrasies
into every facet of his writing.
Who is your favorite film character?
Note: it must be played by Kurt Russell.
MacReady from The Thing.
What is the last word of the title of your favorite Kubrick film? Orange.
What is the first word in the title of your favorite
Joy Division album?
I don't know a shhhjjjjjjanything about Joy Division.
I'm gonna find this right now.
Unknown, I'm going with Unknown.
What is a scientific term you picked up from listening to NPR once?
Uh, I'll go with CRISPR.
Which I think has something to do with DNA. And...
it doesn't matter if I know what it means because it's a cool sounding word.
What is a piece of military hardware you think looks cool even though war is bad? Railguns.
What is something you'd enjoy watching Mads Mikkelsen do?
Uh, you've got a whole, a good space to
really fill this one out.
I'd enjoy waking up one day
and coming out to see Mads Mikkelsen
in my kitchen just sweeping up, uh, some, some spilled cheerios.
And then he, he looks up at me and he gives me that
"Aren't I so clumsy?" smile.
I think that's what I'd enjoy watching Mads Mikkelsen do.
Condense into one word: Cheerio.
Now that we've got our fodder, we can move on to Section 4.
Determining your name's conditions.
Sometimes a Kojima character will have a plot-based condition that affects their name.
The -Man condition. Roll a d4.
That's a 4. My last name will include the suffix -man.
The Condition Condition. Roll a d8.
I do not have this.
If I did, I would have had to put something like "Big" or "Bloated."
The Clone Condition.
This one's interesting because sometimes Kojima characters
will be cloned from someone else, or will be the mental doppelgänger through brainwashing
of a different character, and for some reason that means their name also has to have a part
of the person they were cloned from's name?
I'm rolling a d12.
And that means I'm not a clone.
And finally, the Kojima condition. If you roll a d100 and get a 69, congratulations,
you are Hideo Kojima.
I am not Hideo Kojima.
Section 5! Determining your name category.
There are 7 different name categories, and I'm just gonna explain all of them because,
again, I have one name plus 6 alternate names, so I'm gonna have to go through them all.
Normal Name.
Kojima's early work includes a lot of characters that are widely considered
to have normal names. Things like Policenauts and Snatcher just have people names.
I think, again, this is because Kojima was young enough
that people could still tell him to chill the fuck out.
Occupational name.
Kojima's characters tend to be driven by the work that they do.
And now you, too, can be nothing more than your job.
Horny name.
Kojima's characters and stories are irrevocably horny.
They might not be your sense of horny, but they are horny nonetheless.
"The" name.
Kojima loves to have characters that have "The" at the beginning
of their name, and then they tend to symbolize fears or unstoppable forces.
Cool name.
Kojima really cares about being cool. And his idea of cool might not be yours,
but if it's cool to him, that's all that matters.
Violent name. Threatening and intense.
And finally, a name that lacks subtext.
Is this a metaphor for something? No. It just... it just is exactly
what it is. It's just what it's... You-it's just that.
So let's roll a d20 and see what name I have as my main one.
That is a The name.
So we just gotta skip to Section 9.
Alright, so this name will be symbolic of a fear that most people have. So my first name is "The"
and then I just gotta roll a d4.
And that means my answer is number...
Section 2, Number 4a.
And then I gotta add all of the conditions that I accrued in Section 4.
So my name is now, The...
*exasperated noise*
My name is The Lewd Improvisationman.
That's fucking spot on.
Now I just gotta do this 6 more times.
Brian David Gilbert. Big Brain Producer.
Aquarius Rainbow Shark. Cheerio CRISPR.
Horses Trident. Started a Recordingman.
And with all of my names complete, it's time to go to Section 13.
Explaining your name.
Kojima's characters know that their names have meaning,
and boy oh boy do they want to tell you all about it.
So this section will give you a chance to prepare your explanatory monologue for
any time you meet a new friend or foe or shadowy government institution.
*Metal Gear Codec noises*
And there we go. We've generated your Kojima name.
I've already tried this out on all my coworkers, and the results have been fantastic.
These names are so much more than just Kojima names.
They're... they're names that represent my coworkers as they currently are.
They're meaningful in a way that a given name cannot be.
Because these are determined by your being.
You are no longer defined by a name that was given to you as a child
and you are free to manifest your own true nature with a name you create.
You mustn't allow yourself to be chained to fate...
My normal name might be Brian David Gilbert.
But you might know me as The Lewd Improvisationman.
Or Cheerio CRISPR.
Or Aquarius Rainbow Shark,
but only close friends can call me Horses Trident.
Jenna: What was the joke!
Brian: It was somebody talking about having a sleepover,
but not getting that much sleep.
Me thinking, like, yeah! 'Cause you're hanging out all night!
You're having a fun time with your friends... It was bad.
Jenna: Adorable. Brian: Yeah.