- Have you ever seen me on a dating app?
Have you seen this beautiful face ever,
scrolling through your Bumble, Tinder, whatcha-ma-call-its?
Well, you no longer have to search
because I'm gonna put it all out on the internet,
right here, right now.
We decided to share our dating profiles
with all of of you today
because we're very proud of what we've created.
- [Tommy] Absolutely. - Definitely.
- And these definitely weren't written
by our dumb-ass writers here
(writers laughing)
as a ploy to embarrass us.
These are our real dating profiles, okay?
- Yes.
- Oh, and we also have our friend Ify here today.
- [Jackie] Yay! - [Tommy] Look at him!
Look at him!
(people applauding)
- Cutie boy!
- And he shared his dating profile as well.
So we're going to go through each person's profile
and you're going to learn so much.
- I mean, I'm excited.
You know, hopefully you'll learn something
about what you should be doing with your dating profile.
- I know yours is about to be freaky.
- Oh, little bit.
(people laughing)
- I've had these profiles for a long time.
Things I like on apps.
I love when a man has hobbies, okay?
(people laughing)
- Okay, but not fishing though, right?
- Not fishing, but,
outside of body building,
I love a man with a hobby.
- Well, let's start with my dating profile.
So this first thing you're gonna see is the first picture.
- [Jackie] Is that your face? - [Ify] It says yur -
- That's me, that's just me, that's all me.
It's not mythical Chef Josh's body.
(people laughing)
That is me.
- It says "yurmy ham."
- Yeah, "yurmy ham", yeah,
cause I wanna add a little bit of comedy.
I want them to know I'm a funny guy,
so I'm like, "Mmm, yurmy ham, yum, yum, yum, yum," you know?
- Is it like an innuendo,
or is it the ham in which you're holding?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- What I really enjoy about this picture is
not only is your body big, but so is your head.
(people laughing)
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- The proportions are like really killing it.
- Well, that's just the HGH.
- Look, I believe in sex positivity.
- So, you gonna have a very sex positive profile,
is what you're saying?
- Look, I'm in the streets.
- Okay.
- So, Jackie -
(people laughing)
I'm running into a couple of roadblocks here,
trying to understand why this is your profile picture.
- I just, sometimes online I like to feel empowered, okay?
So sometimes I like to be a mediocre-looking white man.
- Okay. - [Jackie] Okay?
- A silver fox, nonetheless.
- Yeah.
- Gotta start off with a strong pic.
- Yes.
- Okay? You wanna look handsome, you wanna look sharp.
(friends exclaiming excitedly)
- Woooooow. - Yeah.
- Is that spray painted?
- [Ify] Yeah.
- No, in fact, it's just a regular picture of me.
Just a simple regular pic.
- Got it. It looks like blow art.
- Yeah, why do I feel like you got this at the county fair?
You look like a yassified Mr. Beast.
(people laughing)
- You know, I wanted people people to think, like,
I'm a sweet angel. - Yes.
- But also like I could give a million dollars away
if I had it.
- Exactly. - I like that, I like that.
- I'm going for the double down.
- Look, let's kick it off, we got the pic.
- Let me see this pic. - Yeah, yeah, let's get it.
Fly like a butterfly,
(beep) like Ify Nwadiwe.
So, what I'm doing is I'm coming really hard at you.
- You're coming hard?
- Yeah, well, I've expanded my nipples
so that you expect big nipples when I pop that shirt off,
because I'm kind of sensitive about my nipples.
So I was like, "Oh, instead of doing anything about them,
I'll just make you think they're big
so when you see them you don't think they're big."
- Cover up with a larger nipple.
- Oooooh. - Yeah, yeah.
I bait your expectations.
So you like, "Oh, he gon' have them big ol' nips."
And then when you see my nips,
whether or not I think they're big,
you're gonna be like, "Those are tiny."
- So this next part is my bio.
That's the little thing about me.
I said "The man, the myth, the legend,
the good, the bad, the sexy,
the one, the only, the fun, the lonely,
the Notorious I-A-N."
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Some of the apps allow you to have audio recording.
- Ohhhh.
- And so I just repeat that -
(Jackie laughing)
in audio, exactly as I just said.
- What does I-A-N stand for?
(Ian stammering)
- It's a secret.
(people laughing)
- Wow.
We're all satisfied with that answer.
- Yeah!
(Jackie laughing)
- The one that I'm really clinging to here is "the lonely",
and that's the last one you put in the list.
- Yeah.
You don't wanna be completely desperate on your dating apps,
but you wanna make it clear you're looking for somebody.
- Yeah, yeah, you don't wanna seem like you got it all.
- And a homie lonely sometimes.
(people laughing)
So, yeah.
It's the truth.
What's ... what? What?
- You said it. A homie lonely sometimes.
(people laughing)
This is my bio right here.
"My name is Oswald Penderton.
I am a 55 year old gay man from Palm Springs.
I love Lea Michele and my dog Biscuit,
who is the cutest little thing."
I'm into role play, what can I say?
- Look, you getting your catfish on.
So what's your end game here?
- [Ian] Yeah. - Yeah.
(people laughing)
What happens when you match with someone and you meet up?
- Well, it hasn't happened yet,
but I'm putting everything I have into it.
I'm fishing.
- I think Oswald is just a fake-ass name.
I don't think ...
I've never met a Oswald. - Yeah, I'm not buying Oswald.
- Nah, nah! There's a whole -
- The only Oswald I know is The Penguin.
- Wait, isn't there an Oswald Octopus
Nick Jr. Show? The blue one?
- [Tommy] But that's a man!
- That's another not real thing.
(people laughing)
- Are you denying the existence of octopi?
Sounds like it.
Oswalds exist.
Oswald in the chat!
(bell dinging)
(people laughing)
- If your name is Oswald
let us know in the chat.
- Yeah, nerd.
- And then we'll get someone to pin the comment
so we can get some Oswald
representation - - Yeah, Lizzie!
Pin an Oswald!
- Yeah, yeah, we'll get some Oswald ...
cause I ain't never met one.
- "I am on a quest.
It is not horny quest, it is scientific.
The quest? To find the world's biggest ass."
- Ooooh.
- I'ma dissect that, because -
(people laughing)
- What's there to dissect? It feels pretty straightforward.
- Well, because, you know,
this is a riddle of a bio that unfolds as you read it.
- Yeah, there's no sexuality involved, it's about -
- No, it's a noble pursuit. - It's about mass.
I wanna see it.
The same way that I haven't seen the Grand Canyon,
I wanna see the grand can.
- Oooh.
- Thank you.
- Has James Charles ever been in your DMs?
- I wouldn't want that.
(people laughing)
- "I hate it when people treat me like a piece of meat.
Get it straight: I'm a piece of ass and (beep)."
- That's good. - Yeah, yeah.
Because, you know, there was a period in my life
that I was afraid of cannibals.
(people laughing)
So I had to let it be known
that when I'm being treated like a piece of meat
it's for sexual reasons, not for meal reasons.
- I knew that was familiar
because every time you walk into
the few buildings I've seen you walk into,
you shout "I am a piece of and (beep)."
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then HR told me to stop,
so I don't do that here anymore.
But, you know, I still do that at my local,
like, you know, Sprouts.
I love to do it in a Dick's because it's like ... whoah!
- Whoah! It's him! - He said the thing.
- This is my voice prompt.
- Oh, "What I think about racism."
- What I think about racism. - [Tommy] Oh.
Interesting. - And let's hear it.
- [Ian's Voiceover] It sucks!
- Okay.
Actually, a relief.
(people laughing)
- Yeah, I agree.
- So, as you know, on some apps you have to answer prompts.
So I did answer prompts
so people could get to know Ozzy a little bit better.
- Okay. - Yeah, okay.
- "One thing we should definitely agree on:
I'm a 100% real actual gay man.
Don't believe me?
Watch this."
- Okay, I'm starting to see why this isn't working.
- Jackie, what are we gonna watch?
What's "Watch this"?
- Oh, there's nothing to watch.
It's for attention and engagement.
- I mean, when somebody is very adamant
that they're a real person, I just go, "Okay".
And I just believe them.
I put up very little resistance.
- Well, as a friend, I'd suggest you don't.
- Speaking from experience?
- Yeah, I've been catfished.
I remember the first time I was catfished
was in eighth grade.
These girls on AIM said they were
introducing me to their cousin.
(Jackie gasping)
And I was talking to 'em back and forth.
They gave me a number, it didn't connect.
And so, there was like a after-school kinda function
and I was gonna meet up with this girl
and I put on this nice jean suit.
And they pulled up and those two girls were laughing at me.
You should definitely feel bad that this traumatic event,
I don't even remember your name.
- Are you inspired by this story, Jackie?
- I am.
They're causing a ruckus.
(Ify laughing)
- This is a voice prompt.
"Dating me is like:" and then go play it.
Yeah.
- [Tommy's Voiceover] Today I had Mendocino Farms.
I had two sandwiches.
One was, one was chicken with the fried ...
No, not fried, it was kind of fried.
And I had a salad with balsamic on it.
- Wow.
- Who was giggling in the background?
- I'm not sure if it was Rachel or Shane, but -
(friends laughing)
Well, I thought that this sound was great
and it came from when Erin walked around the office
and made us all think
that saying what we ate for lunch in a baby voice
was trending on TikTok.
- Ooooh.
- And so we all said what we ate for lunch.
- Oh no, she has one from me. - [Tommy] Yeah.
- Oh noooo. - Wait, so that is you?
- (imitating baby) I think, Jackie,
I think that's what -
- Oh my god! - Ohhh no.
- And then I had a salad!
- "My perfect date: animanamal (anime and anal)."
(Ian laughing)
- Animanal.
Animanal.
It's way better than Netflix and chill.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What's the best pre-anal anime?
- "Death Note" because that music
really gets you there.
- That's spooky.
- The spooky loosens things - - Kinda loosens things up.
- Oh, interesting.
- You're right.
When I get nervous, I poop.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, see, exactly.
- Exactly.
You don't need an enema if you have an anime.
- Yeah.
Ooh, we got a DM.
- Oh, we got a DM.
- So we get to see what the opening line is.
- I feel like it's gonna be freaky too.
- Gosh, I didn't know we were gonna go this deep
into my dating profile, guys.
So I said, "Have you ever heard of a movie?"
And they said, "What?"
And I said, "Allow me to explain."
- I get it, cause sometimes when I ask people out to a movie
and they don't respond, I'm like,
"Oh, it's cause they don't know what a movie is."
(people laughing)
- Exactly.
- They don't know what it is.
- Sometimes you really gotta simplify things for people.
- Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- I thought this was gonna be like a pickup line or ...
- I think it is, Jackie.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I say, "Let me movie into those pants."
- Oooh, okay. - Wow.
- Whoosh.
(people laughing)
(Jackie laughing)
- You know the one thing that ruined the word movie for me
is that they're just called movies
because talkies were called talkies,
and movies moved.
- You're such a bummer sometimes.
(people laughing)
So, "Down to host?
Also, what do you think of Jackie Uweh?"
- Ohh. - Aww.
- My match unmatched.
- For the youngin's watching,
that's wondering what 'down to host' means.
It means ... It's like, come to their crib.
- But if you're a 55 year old gay man in Palm Springs,
you'd most likely have property?
- Can we stop assuming some things about Oswald, okay?
He gets around.
Nomad dick.
- Oh, nomad. - [Jackie] He's a nomad.
- I thought you were talking about an angry penis.
- Yeah, that's what I thought too.
- I mean, Oswald also has no mad (beep).
- Energy.
- Yeah.
- And this is a little DM that I had with me and a friend.
So I was like, "Why are you on the apps?"
And he was like, "Just to have fun."
And I went, "Mmm.
Perhaps a dickory pickory por favor? WINK."
- And that's how you and your boyfriend -
- [Tommy] Yeah. - Hit it off.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sent a little dickory pickory dock.
And I looked at it round the clock.
(people laughing)
- "What's up?"
"I want you all the way inside me."
"Okay, let's go."
"I want to absorb your (beep) into my (beep)
until there's nothing left."
"Whoa. All right."
- Oh, and it continues. - Yeah.
"I'm not done.
I wanna (beep) your (beep) until they're dry like (beep).
And then that (beep) is about to obliterated
by my tongue and teeth."
"For sure, but real quick - I'm scared."
The teeth was too much.
- That was a deal breaker.
- Yeah, cause I was like,
how do you get teeth in the mix?
- The cannibal strikes again.
- Yeah.
And I knew it.
I was like, I knew it.
- You're like, "Oh, they brought up the teeth!"
- Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to get my ass ate,
not my ass ate, you know?
- Well that was all of our dating profiles.
Do you wanna see more of our dating profiles?
Do you wanna dig deeper into our dating profiles?
Let us know in the comments.
Thank you again, Ify, for coming by.
- Of course, anytime. - Yay!
- Sharing that wisdom.
- And we'll see you next time, bye!
- [Ify] Bye!
- Oswalds in the chat!
Oswalds in the chat!
- Oswalds. - Oswalds!
Oswalds! - Hi Mom!