For Lydia. With Love.
I don't think there is anything I would have said now
that I haven't said already.
I've always said she is one in a million wife
and I realise it better now.
(Hello.)
Hello.
I'm making tea.
When you realise somebody is going to be gone
that's when you really appreciate what you've had... I think that's it.
She noticed that she had a lump in her breast
And the GP (doctor) said it didn't look good.
She went for more tests
and they found out it was breast cancer.
And about three weeks after that
she found out it had gone to the brain.
And umm....
that changed everything.
Lydia has been on morphine for at least six weeks now.
Is that easy?
How difficult is that?
She's got her struggle,
which I can't imagine what it's like
even though I'm next to her.
But each of us... each of us
are fighting a different battle with different enemies.
I didn't choose to be in this club...
I was conscripted into this brain cancer club.
But being in this club, I've been forced to
look at some things and to learn some things.
Viktor Frankl said something like
he could see better because
he was standing on the shoulders of giants.
I would like to say that
I can see better because other people
have picked me up onto their shoulders...
shown me things that they've learnt
going through a similar process.
There is nothing that has been more valuable to me.
That's it... that's been the most valuable to me.
As somebody gets weaker and loses cognitive ability
what their essence is gets concentrated.
I used to go to funerals and listen to the eulogies
and think how could they say those things?
It doesn't even sound like the same person.
But now I realise why people would say that at a funeral...
because we want to hang onto a bit of the essence of that person.
All the rest is gone.
And everybody has said to me that's the most difficult part...
is when they start losing their character, their essence.
I'm scared of that.
If any of us die
our essence, I think, is strongest in those closest to us.
Some of her essence
will remain in those that are closest to her.
And that's one of the things I really hold onto.
I made her a coffin about six or seven weeks ago.
Bizarre, but it was nice making a coffin for my wife.
I think I've put a bit of my essence into the coffin...
a simple coffin, yah.
What is difficult is to...
to let go...
to release Lydia.
I want to make this last journey of hers,
this last climb of hers
as easy as possible.
At the same time I want to try and give her space
to release us as well.
That's the other side of it.
Lydia needs to feel that we are OK,
we will be able to cope without her.
Then it will be easier for her to release us.
And to me that was valuable, valuable.
When it happens it's a shock apparently.
You can try and prepare yourself for it
but because we are human and we've got a heart
when it happens it's still difficult.
We don't know how we're going to handle it.
Death is too big to get our heads around.
But life is also too big to get our head around.
I'd rather try and focus on life...
to be grateful for the 23 years that we've shared,
rather than regretful for the extra 20 years we didn't have.
Don't look forward in fear,
don't look back in regret,
but look around you in awareness.
And that's more or less it I think.
I'd say that's the most important thing, yah I would.
Life.
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