Hello I m Darren Magee and today s questions are around narcissists as they grow older. Questions
include, How do they adjust to growing older? Do they change? And if so do they change for the
better or do they just get worse? Other questions include, What happens to those around them, their
friends, families, partners, ex partners, even their children. What do they experience as the
narcissist ages? Not necessarily easy questions to answer as I believe there will always be
exceptions and I will look at those exceptions towards the end of the video. But for today,
I'm just going to look at some of the common things that narcissistic people experience as
they grow older and how they might react to them. So if you find this video interesting,
if you like it, please consider subscribing to my channel. Just to remind you, narcissism is
often charcterised by a long term pervasive sense of entitlement. There's being self absorbed and
disagreeable. They can be highly sensitive, highly resistant to criticism and have a lack of empathy
for others. They can also be quite manipulative, like to be in control and like to dominate.
Well first of all if they didn't make any real connections with people when they were younger,
connections of any depth, any friendships or relationships they may have had may have just
ended. Those people may have just moved on. Some may have even abandoned them for their own safety,
for their own good. But just like everyone else they can experience loneliness. They can get
quite depressed. But there is still a need for attention, for validation, for affirmation and
may use whatever qualities they have or whatever wealth or resources they may have accumulated
during the years to reel others into their lives or to try to reel others back into their lives.
Now around middle age many narcissistic people can experience denial. Many narcissists can be
quite vain, believe themselves to be drop dead gorgeous, very physically attractive, and they
may well be. But the thought of losing those looks as they grow older can be difficult to come to
terms with. Even in middle age many narcissistic people can't be quite touchy about their age. Some
may even try to reverse the ageing process. They may spend lots of money on anti ageing products,
dye their hair, dress to try to look younger. Some may look for younger partners or have affairs with
younger people. In middle age it's not uncommon for narcissistic mothers to try to look more like
their daughters. It can be quite an ego boost to hear things like, You to look more like sisters.
Some may even flirt with or try to seduce their daughter s boyfriends. Narcissistic
fathers may demand a high level of respect due to their perceived seniority. See themselves as
no longer just the head of the household, but the head of the family. Their wisdom,
their experience is always of much more value than their grown up children. They may even try
to outdo their sons. Brag about they had achieved so much more by the time they were their age.
Some may bask in the glory of their own children. Those children they maybe held back, criticised or
sabotaged. Take the credit for their achievements when they see them become successful in their own
right, that others admire and respect them they claim things like, That's all because of me.
Now if there are difficulties between them and their grown up children, that adult
child maybe has a partner and they re united as a couple, have good strong boundaries in place,
the narcissist may try to bypass them and communicate directly with their grandchildren.
Maybe even at a very young age they buy their grandchildren mobile phones so that they are
contactable. They might buy them gifts, try to buy their love with things that perhaps
the parents don't approve of. When the parents don't approve they tend to look like the villain,
which can be part of the narcissists plan. Now if their children's marriages break up,
if they had a part in that break up due to their constant interference, they may
completely vilify the ex-partner, even try to alienate their grandchildren against that parent.
That being said, there have been some cases were following a break up, they actually side with the
ex-partner against their own child. They listen to them, they support them and they advise them.
But as they grow into old age, their fragile false sense of self tends to become harder to maintain.
Their strength begins to fail, their looks have faded and it can't really do physically the things
they used to be able to do. There's also less of a sex drive so it can be even harder for them to try
to fool themselves. Now they may spend a lot of time reliving their glory days. Trying to impress
others with their past achievements, victories. Today s generation will never be capable of the
things they were able to do. Today s generation has it so much easier. They had to strive harder.
Then there are those who rather than grow wiser with age can still be quite immature. For example
the temper tantrums are still there if they don t get their own way. Sometimes they can
become more vitriolic, more vindictive. So they may don't necessarily mellow with age. As the
years goes and that might manifest itself and then going on about how unfairly they believe they've
been treated. How they have been victimised by everyone else. Their failed relationships, the
times when their schemes backfired, the times they had to pay the consequences for their own actions.
They may claim that they had to sacrifice their dreams for others, for example their partners,
their children, but no one appreciates it. They might feel a lot of bitterness towards their
ex s or anyone they believe has wronged them in somehow. The more time they have on their hands,
the more time they have to ruminate over things and become more resentful. I often think of
narcissists as having a long memory. Narcissistic wounds from even decades ago can still feel as
raw and as fresh today as they did back then. So they remember all the perceived wrongs that have
been done to them. But maybe forget the times when they were selfish and hurtful to others.
Some may even forget the vengeance they have already taken out on those people from years
ago. Narcissistic people generally don't accept any responsibility for their behaviour and hate
being exposed for their actions. They will always see themselves as the victim no matter
how they have hurt or exploited others. So that destructive streak might still be present. The
need to avenge themselves is still there and this can be counter productive because they may behave
in a way that might ultimately push away anyone they have left. Next, even as they age they can
still be coercive and manipulative but maybe for different reasons. Now if there are lonely,
just want some company or need some help with something, they might find it difficult to just
ask. So instead maybe come up with different schemes to get what they want, even just what
they need. Which again can be counter productive because sooner or later people might stop offering
help or just become better at saying no. Now some of that manipulation could include guilt tripping
and shaming, might say things like, After all I've done for you, your I haven't much longer to go Or,
They left their parents live with them . There could even be threats, threaten to write people
out of their wills if they don't comply. That s it, this is all going to your cousin or,
This is all going to the Cat s Home . Remember their power and their influence is decreasing
as the younger generations is increasing, and that doesn't always sit well. They may have
had a lifetime to learn how to manipulate and coerce others just to keep some level of power.
Next, and this will probably be more common with covert narcissists, but if they have had a history
of maybe mysterious ailments and illnesses, that might crank up a gear. There could be continued
visits to the Doctor, who is useless and can't diagnose anything. None of their medication works.
None of the treatment works. They are incurable and in constant pain. That old war wound,
that old sporting injury, that illness they had they never recovered from, or that time their
skull fell out. They are not long for this world. When they re with others they may strain smiles
to look as if they're hiding pain, even when their own grandchildren are excited to see them,
just to show how brave there being. You mustn't worry about them, they're gonna manage somehow.
Curious thing is though, they tend to be able to manage their illnesses and their injuries just
fine whenever they're taking part in something that they want to do or something they enjoy.
But what we can see in narcissistic people who are in old age is a lifetime worth of destructive
antagonistic behaviour which ultimately can become self-destructive. Their behaviour over the years
has pushed so many people away that they feel isolated, lonely or sometimes there might be still
a lot of arrogance, but a lot less confidence. As they become more frail, experience a loss
of autonomy they maybe have to rely on others for support, but many cases their behaviour has
alienated them. Sometimes there's little if anyone to reach out to. Sometimes we may see what's known
as a narcissistic collapse. Maybe get to the point when they realise that they are nothing,
they have nothing, there's no one left, not even just for company. They may have a ton of money but
nothing of any value to those that they have hurt. All their lies, all their schemes have failed.
There is no one left to exploit. And they may become more desperate. And that's when they become
more desperate, that they may become more open to being exploited and being abused by others.
Now to answer the last question about what happens to those around the narcissist as they grow older.
Well, I think when they see that narcissistic person age, become more frail, I think it's quite
common for them to feel maybe quite conflicted, even confused. They remember all the abuse they
had to endure, remember how miserable that person made them feel so may feel a lot of anger towards
them. But they may also feel a sense of guilt. That person wasted all of their patience with
their constant criticism, their lying, demanding more and more and giving nothing back. And yet
they feel pity for them. Now even though there may not have been any contact for years,the pain
might still be there and there may be an urge to contact them again many years later, especially
if perhaps they are critically ill. There may be a hope that maybe now towards the end the narcissist
will have changed. They have nothing left to lie about, nothing to gain by being horrible. So maybe
now is the chance to reconcile with each other. The narcissist might actually apologise and they
may get the closure they have so long for. Now I can't say whether they will or they won't, but
some research suggests that narcissists can change for the better as they grow older. A study from
1992 found levels of narcissism decrease overtime. A recent study suggested narcissists become less
narcissistic with time. I guess maybe sometimes it comes down to the individual, but I will add the
research in the description of this video if you want to check it out. Some would suggest that when
they have no one else to lie to or nothing to lie about, nothing to gain from lying, some may just
be honest with themselves. Acknowledge they have behaved dreadfully. They may feel a lot of regret,
realising that no longer cares how lonely they are. Everyone in their life has seen what a
horrible person they have been whenever they were younger. Just maybe they might be open to
just a little bit of humility. So that's a brief outline of the ageing narcissist. Now as always if
there's anything I haven't mentioned, please feel free to use the comment box below there are some
interesting conversation start around these videos. But if you liked this video, if you
found it helpful please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.