(Music from an item room in the Metroid series)
(AVGN 80s Metal theme) ♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪
♪ To play some shitty games that suck ass ♪
♪ He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪
♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkilled skunk and down it with beer ♪
♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪
♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪
♪ He's the Angry Atari/Sega Nerd ♪
♪ He's the Angry Video Game... ♪
♪ ...NEEEEEEEERRRRD!!! ♪
(Rambo NES theme playing)
Fuck, I gotta do this one now?
Well... I guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new Rambo movie comin' out.
Back in the '80s, Rambo was the shit.
But the NES game was just plain shit.
Well, it's based off of "Rambo: First Blood Part 2", rather than the first one.
I guess making a game where you go around killing cops... probably wasn't in their best interest.
It begins with the colonel visiting Rambo in prison and making him a deal:
Go rescue prisoners in Vietnam and you're free.
But... you have a choice.
"I'm not afraid of death!" or... "I feel better in prison."
Hmm... How about "I feel better in prison?"
"But it's up to you. The game doesn't start until you say YES."
Well, what's the point of having an option then?
I'm sayin' "leave me the fuck in prison".
But then again, I may as well not even put the game in if I'm gonna say no...
That's like if in the movie he would have said, "John, the movie can't continue until you say YES."
So, the game begins, you're just walkin' around the hangar, talkin' to people.
Rambo looks like some shirtless guy wearing red Spandex.
So you just walk around, talk to this person, talk to that person...
then finally go to the colonel one last time,
where he says, "You've got 36 hours to get in, complete your assignment and get the *hell* out."
The first swear I recall from a video game.
Then the plane drops you off and the action finally begins.
You spend most of your time just killin' snakes, bugs, and other small animals with a knife.
It's actually a complete clone of Zelda II.
Yeah, that's right- that's the flying sword, or knife in this case...
The numbers that appear when you kill the enemies...
The way you talk to people...
Dark caves which require a lantern to light the way,
And overall, the layout is similar.
Now, speaking of the knife, that's one of the most disappointing aspects about this shitwad of a game.
Why am I not using a machine gun, like the front cover?
Why am I just fighting snakes and bugs?
This is exciting...
Doesn't this remind you of the movie?
Remember when Rambo has to fight a giant spider? I don't!
Eventually you start to fight appropriate enemies, and you do gain an inventory of weapons, such as flying daggers, arrows, and grenades.
Man, who the hell throws grenades at a tiger anyway?
You also get a machine gun, but that doesn't happen until much later in the game.
The problem may not be that the game doesn't follow the movie,
It actually follows the movie way too much.
Almost every key scene is recreated through character dialogue,
But... who cares?
It's almost like they focused too much on the story, rather than the overall gameplay.
When rambo meets the girl, for the *second time* in the game, you're given an option:
Rather than conducting business, you can say, "What do you think of me?"
The game doesn't advance until you stop asking this.
So... what's the point?
And, how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment?
She could have said, "What do I think of you?" "You look like a hairless gorilla",
and when your mouth is open, "you really freak me out!".
There's times you have to follow her, but all she does is walk back and forth.
So you're actually supposed to go meet her somewhere.
But where the fuck that is, is up to you to find out.
Now, that's the biggest problem in this game -
finding out where in the hell you're supposed to go.
You stand on these little boxes that say "N" for "north" and "S"for "south".
You push up [on the D-pad] and then go to the next screen,
and it's just like in Friday the 13th where you can change paths...
but it's confusing to navigate because everything looks the same.
If you keep walking in the same direction, the stage just repeats over and over, it's an endless cycle.
Sometimes you think you're making progress but then you realize
that you're doing laps over the same stretch of land.
But... to make it even more confusing,
there's times where in order to advance to the next section of the game,
you have to walk in one direction, and then go back the same way you came.
So it's like, if you walk to the right, you could just keep walking right forever- it's an endless cycle.
But when you walk to the left, THAT'S when it takes you somewhere different!
What a shitload of fuckin' bullshit!
There's also a scene where you control the girl [Co].
She can't do anything but walk, and there's no fighting involved.
All you do, basically, is just walk from point A to point B.
Why?
Another thing that blazes my balls is that, when you're low on energy, the screen flashes!
I guess it's nice to be alerted that you're dying, but it doesn't have to be so fucking annoying!
Maybe you say it's nitpicking, but I say it's shit-picking.
The controls are mind-blowingly awful... it doesn't look bad, but believe me, it's bad.
You can move around and jump around just fine, but when it comes to using your weapons, it feels stiff.
When you try to attack something, it's almost impossible without getting hit.
Getting across this bridge is a real shit-bitch.
Damn!
FUCK!
All right, c'mon you bastard...
I'm almost there...
Almost there...
Fuuuuuuuuck!
Oh, God...
How'd they fuck up Rambo this bad?
You'd think it wouldn't be that hard, just a guy in a bandanna goin' around shootin' people!
... Kinda like "Contra"!
Yeah, that worked, didn't it?
Side scrolling, overhead, or even a semi-3D perspective...
It all worked!
As long as the control is fluent, the action is good, and the overall gameplay is stimulating,
That's all it needs!
But instead, we get a confusing, incoherent mess that doesn't even really know what it's trying to be!
A needless storyline,
Confusing navigation,
Frustrating controls, and a second-rate clone of Zelda II.
Though it pre-dated Zelda II in its US release, Zelda II came out first in Japan.
Wh- what?
What the shit??
I'm back at the beginning!
How did this happen?
I just fell, and now I'm back at the beginning of the damn game!
I still have my weapons, but I've got a long way to make it back to where I came.
Murdock is still telling me the same shit he told me before,
as if I never started the mission yet.
So I guess I just found some crazy glitch.
So the only way I'm gonna show you the end of this game, is to enter a password!
But look at this!
Why does the fuckin' password have to be so damn long?
Is it really necessary to have BOTH capital and lowercase letters?
As well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?
If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused!
"S"'s look like "5"s, "0"s look like "O"s, capital and lowercase letters can look identical,
and lowercase "L"s look like "1"s and uppercase "I"s!
That's something I have no tolerance for!
The password system should be simple, straightforward and easy to use!
As long as you KNOW the password, you should be able to enter it, and MOVE ON!
It doesn't need to be a fucking project!
Assholes!
*sighs* well, so this is it, the end of the game.
And... they sure saved the hardest part for last.
It's just a fuckin' barrage of shit comin' down.
It's like you need a bulletproof umbrella!
There's no way to dodge this shit, and the only way to hit the copter is with grenades!
It takes about a million hits, and there's no damage indicator.
It doesn't blink or anything when you hit it,
so the first time I tried this, I didn't even know the damn things were working!
But with patience you finally win, and then you go back to the hangar, a job well done.
And from here on, you can just walk around, and talk to people.
There's Murdock, the bastard.
You get out your machine gun and shoot him, and he turns into a frog.
(The kanji for "Anger" turns Murdoch into a frog? What?!)
Yyyyeah.
You shoot Chinese letters, and he turns into... a frog.
Just what I expected.
(I'm with you Nerd. I'm with you.)
(Different game music starts playing louder)
*spit* (Explosion)
Now, I think that was enough.
But, there's more Rambo games.
So, just for a bullshit bonus, let's take a look at a couple more.
Here, we have "Rambo First Blood Part 2" on the Sega Master System.
Now... Okay, this is more like it!
It starts up with the action right away,
You're just goin' around shooting people, and on top of that, it's two players!
We know that this is Rambo,
but who's this guy??
But anyway, it doesn't matter.
The controls are basic, number 1 shoots bullets, and number 2 fires exploding arrows.
You give 'em a lil' number one, you give 'em a lil' number two... Heh... number two.
Well, at first it seems like a decent game.
But it's also very frustrating because you move incredibly slow,
you can't shoot down, and the bullets don't go far.
They also look like ping pong balls.
The game reminds me of Ikari Warriors, and it suffers from the same problems, though the levels are not nearly as monotonous.
But one thing that happens is if you die,
you can reappear in an obstructive place, and get stuck!
You're trapped! I mean, there's nothing you can do
other than just get hit by enemy fire so you can reappear somewhere else...
Another weird thing that happens frequently is that after you come back,
you know, when you're in that brief, invincible flashing stage,
the controls get locked.
You can only move left and right.
I mean, this seems to happen mostly on the second player for some fuckin' reason.
Other times while you're flashing, you can walk across the water!
Who does Rambo think he is, Jesus Christ?
Well, let's check out Rambo III, again on the Sega Master System.
Now this one's gonna be fun, because it uses...
The light gun [Light Phaser].
Unless the fuckin' thing doesn't work!
*smacking sounds*
*sounds of gunfire and bleeping sounds*
Uhhhh.... it kinda works....
I mean, I guess you gotta just wave it around, like Rambo. Rambo never shoots straight!
(There was a clip from the movie here but it was removed)
*SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK*
*More beeping sounds*
What the ASS?! What's wrong with this thing?!
*more beeping and gunfire sounds*
*sighs* Piece of shit.
Now, with all the Rambo games, I could probably go on for hours.
But that's not what it's about- I just wanted to give you a basic overview.
Now, it's been about 20 years [from the air date of this episode] since these games were out
It's also been about 20 years since the last Rambo movie.
Now, I'm pysched to go see Rambo IV.
But it's not called Rambo IV, is it?
Let's address this title situation one last time.
Now, back in my Chronologically Confused video,
I was making fun of "Rocky 6" being called Rocky Balboa so I made a sarcastic comment- let's take a look.
"What are they gonna do, call it 'John Rambo'?"
And what do they do? That's what they call it!
And I feel bad! I feel like I picked on a retard or something.
I'm like, "What, are you retarded?" ... "Oh, I'm sorry."
But then what do they do? They change it again! To just "Rambo"!
Like is this a sequel, or a remake? It couldn't get any more confusing!
Even though the original movie was called First Blood, people often refer to it as "Rambo."
But for the second movie, they downgraded First Blood into a subtitle,
calling it Rambo: First Blood Part II.
But the Nintendo game is just "Rambo," as well as the Sega version.
Even though the box says the full title,
the game itself, and even the title screen, just say "Rambo".
So technically, the immediate title of the second movie is "Rambo".
Next, came Rambo III.
Technically it should be "Rambo II,"or "First Blood Part III"
I mean, there's no consistency, but just for the sake of confusion,
It is the third in the series, so whatever. It's Rambo III.
But then comes... *air quotes* "Rambo".
How do you follow Rambo III with just "Rambo?"
That doesn't make any sense, it's like you're goin' backwards!
So now if someone says, "I'm watching Rambo!",
It's like oh, what, do you mean First Blood?
Or do you mean Rambo: First Blood Part II?
Or do you mean "Rambo: The Fourth Movie"?!
That's what it is, the fourth fuckin' movie!
Why couldn't they just call it "Rambo IV"? ONE TWO THREE FOUR!
(The nerd voices the sound of his head exploding)
(Voicing the sound of more explosions in rapid succession)
(Item Acquisition from Metroid Prime)
Closed Captioning by Alhanalem aka Tahngarthor Additional subtitles by KimonoFlareonGX