You're wondering how to build your child's confidence. I'm here with Vicki
today to share some strategies. At the end of this video, you'll know exactly
how to improve your child's confidence.
There's a lot of different things that contribute to confidence. Probably number
one on the list is being able to see yourself doing hard things. Vicki, you've
talked about the concept of grit. -Yeah, I think that's such an important concept. A
lot of the times, we compliment children on performance. When... Or really kind of
outcomes. When we need to be complimenting them and encouraging them
to stick with a hard task. To have grit. -Oh, yeah. -To follow through even when it
gets really hard or especially when it gets hard. -Regardless of the outcome. This
is backed up by some research that was done years ago by a team at our local
university. --Brigham Young University. And they were studying self-esteem. We've
thought for years that... Well, that's tied to achievement, right? -Right. -You can
accomplish in your life. That's not what these researchers found. They found that
seeing yourself doing hard things (Regardless of the outcome) was more
predictive of positive self-esteem and confidence. -Yeah. -So, what you're saying is
absolutely true. -Yeah. It kind of starts a different conversation going between
parents and children. It's being willing to talk about failures as a part of the
process of learning and achieving what you're going for.
And you know, usually we're like, "What did you accomplish today? What did you get
done? How did you succeed today?" One, I think it's almost just as powerful if
not more so to say, "What failed today? What did you learn from it? What are you
going to do next?" -I keep thinking of that movie. Do you remember Meet the Robinsons?
One of my favorite Disney Pixar films. Because it included this particular idea.
There was a scene where one of the characters had a epic fail. Just
everything just went wrong. And the families
starts cheering and clapping and they're applauding. And they said, "Oh, you made a
great mistake." Mistakes are awesome. You can learn a lot from your mistakes.
-Success? Not so much.But it is just so important to recapture, re-title,
re-brand failure. And then that ability to push through it and keep doing hard
things. -There's some practical things that you can do to give kids this
opportunity. And remember, it's not about the outcome. So, we don't need them to
successfully complete what we're going to ask them to do next. We want to follow
through with a principle-based approach that helps to actually build their
confidence in their self-esteem. -Now, that being said, we do want to give them a
task that we know they have the ability to do. Now again, remember we're not most...
The most important thing is not that they complete the task. They do need to
be able to do the task and then you give them the opportunity to do it. -You
already have a whole list of things that you want them to do. So, pick something
from that list that they have the ability to do. Vicki, when we did the
Parenting Power-Up program. you remember we talked about this? And there's a test
that you can apply. Here's the test. I call it the 5k test. And you ask yourself,
"If I offered my kid $5,000 to do it I just asked him to do. Would it happen?"
Whatever $5,000 represents for your child. I remember I was working with a
child who had autism, was on the autistic spectrum. And he didn't care about money.
But he really loved pickle chips. -So, you got to find your child's $5,000. -Whatever
it is for your kid. If the reward is great enough, would they do it? See ,this
answers the question, "Can they handle it? Are they capable? Do they have the
ability to do this task?" -And you know, there's a couple of things. One you don't
want to hover. Back off and let them do it. But also I think be willing to just
kind of distance yourself from the method in which they get it done. As long
as it's not breaking family rules that you've set up. Let them be creative.
I mean maybe it's even enlisting help from somebody else. -Hiring someone else
to do it for them. -Yeah. -That's totally legitimate. I hire someone to clean my
office. -Yeah. -Vicki, I want to emphasize something that you just pointed out.
Because it's almost worthy of being another step on its own. And that is to
back off, don't hover over them. We've got Klein and Fay in the Love And
Logic books. Used to talk about helicopter parents. -Right. And you picture...
In fact, I can hear a helicopter going overhead right now. Maybe you picked that
up on the audio. Helicopter parents hover over their children. Standing hands on
hips waiting to see to make sure that they do it. -Or even to be there to rescue
them when they don't. -Or to remind them... -What they're supposed to accomplish. -Oh,
we call it reminding. What do our kids call it? -Nagging. -You're riding on me. So,
we want to get away from that and allow them to experience this. Because we're
kind of secretly hoping that they blow it. Why? -You know, right? Why would you hope
that your kid blows it? -Going back to the Robinsons, because in the process of
failing, they have an opportunity to learn some really, really great things.
-And they get to see themselves doing a hard thing. -And see themselves being
problem solvers. Because I don't know a single adult out there that had
everything in their life turned out the way they thought it would. We're going to
have to become problem solvers. That's part of where our confidence comes from,
is we know we can handle a tough situation that comes to us. And when it
doesn't work, we are creative enough to find a way to work around it. -Right. Vicki, I
was just thinking about how this applies to relationships too. We're at a point
where our kids are grown up and they're getting into permanent relationships and
marriages and families of their own. And one thing that we've noticed is they do
much better if they know they can take on hard things with their spouse. -Right.
-In fact, it gets us a little nervous if they haven't faced anything hard because
they need to learn earn that experience. So, apply this to
the parenting stage. Wherever you are. Instead of hovering and nagging or
reminding. you back off, if you allow them to use their creative power to take on
this hard thing. Powerful. -But then remember, if they fail or when they fail..
-When probably. -When they fail, right? Process it with them and then give them
the opportunity to do it again. -Rinse and repeat, right? Because this isn't the last
time that they're going to have an opportunity to face whatever challenge
it is that you just gave them. Let's say that you asked them to do a very
reasonable chore around the house. Take out the garbage or whatever, right? You
give them the task that they can handle. You back off, don't hover in remind. When
they blow it, you allow appropriate consequences to do the teaching. And
empathy. Can we have that part? -Yeah, that's really important. Because
sometimes we replace empathy with anger. Because we really wanted them to succeed
instead of kind of secretly hoping that they blow it. And then when they blow it,
we get mad at them. And then we ball them out and bail them out. Instead of having
appropriate consequences in place. And then like you were saying Vicki, give
that same task again. What an affirming message that is. "Hey, you are smart enough
to learn from your experiences. As your parent, I trust you to learn whatever you
needed to learn from this. Let's try it again."
Vicki and I mentioned during this episode, the Parenting Power-Up. If you
haven't checked it out yet, take a moment to do that. When you get enrolled in this
course, you become more confident as a parent. And you have the tools that you
need to move forward with some parental power. Your kids are going to love you for
this.