-Welcome back to the attic crawl space, everybody.
Now, as you may know,
there's been some speculation online about what's behind
my tiny little door back there.
And I just want to put one of the rumors to rest.
I do not keep my children in there
so they won't interrupt me while I'm filming.
For one, that would be very cruel.
And two, it's a shallow closet.
You would never fit both of them.
Which is something you can tell from eyeballing.
I didn't try.
You can't lock it from the outside.
Look, there are a lot of reasons.
But the main one is it would be cruel.
Also, it's been pointed out that the number of copies
of "The Thorn Birds" on my side table kept increasing.
At one point there was one copy, then two,
then a third copy seemed to appear out of nowhere.
It was very strange.
So we had our guy come to check it out.
He said it's pretty common in old attic
to have an infestation of what he called "mini-series books."
He said at one point, there was likely an aunt
of some sort up here.
But he sprayed. We're back down to one.
And he said everything will be back to normal in a week or two,
while also stressing you have to be patient
with a problem like this and, you know, you can't rush it.
And yet while I'm being patient with my "Thorn Birds" books,
the president is already getting ready to reopen the economy
after a bombshell "New York Times" report
revealed more details about how he ignored the threat
posed by the coronavirus. That's a segue.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪
As we've already detailed, the president ignored
repeated warnings over the course of several years
that a pandemic like this was coming,
that it could kill lots of people,
and that it could devastate the economy.
Then he lied about it, said it would go away,
pushed a miracle cure that doctors have said
could have potentially lethal side effects,
and is now telling everyone things could just
go back to normal after tens of thousands have died
and 17 million have lost their jobs,
or as the president put it...
-We have done a job the likes of which nobody has seen.
And you should say "Congratulations. Great job."
instead of being, uh, so horrid
in the way you ask a question.
-Well, I will congratulate you
on bringing back the word "horrid."
Really nice work on that, Mrs. Thurston Howell.
You think they should say "Congratulations. Great job"?
I think you're confusing a press conference
with a party of some kind.
[ As Trump ] Not only are your questions horrid,
you never bring balloons.
It's been a month. Not a single cake.
Have you guys not heard of piñatas,
or have you and you just don't like them 'cause you hate fun?
Yeah, you hate fun, I said it.
[ Normal voice ] But yeah,
next time we can bring out a cake that says
"Congratulations on only 17 million unemployed."
Seriously, we could, because in the last month or so,
we've all gotten pretty good at baking.
Not great at ironing.
But pretty good at baking.
And then we found out over the weekend
about yet another series of warnings
when "The New York Times" published a blockbuster account
of how Trump ignored the crisis for months
as well as e-mails from medical experts and government officials
talking about the danger of what was happening.
One infectious disease doctor, James Lawler,
who served in the White House under President Bush
and as an adviser to President Obama
wrote in one e-mail that the government's slow response
was "like ignoring the smoke detector
and waiting until your entire house is on fire
to call the fire department."
And in another, he wrote,
"Pilots can tell you what happens
when a crew makes decisions based on intuition
rather than what their instruments are telling them."
Among the many horrifying parts of that story
is imagining Trump as an airline pilot.
If Trump had been flying during the Miracle on the Hudson,
we would be calling it the "Fireball on the East River."
And he would have spent the whole time blaming the geese
and yelling at the passengers,
[ As Trump ] You know, instead of screaming
and putting on your oxygen masks,
you should be saying, "Congratulations.
Great job, Captain."
[ Normal voice ] It's going to make a great movie.
We also considered sullen and bully,
but we thought in your head you might hear "bulley,"
and no one wants that.
Again, what we're experiencing now was not inevitable.
In those same e-mails,
Lawler noted that pandemic response planning began in 2006
under the Bush administration and wrote that we could have
followed the examples set by Hong Kong
and Singapore where the outbreaks
were effectively contained.
Lawler wrote of the mistakes the government was making in March,
"We had systematically addressed all of these and had a plan
that would work and has worked in Hong Kong/Singapore.
We have thrown 15 years of institutional learning
out the window and are making decisions based on intuition."
Of course he threw 15 years of learning out the window.
That's probably what his high school tutor said
when they tried to help him study for the SATs.
Donald, can you read these vocabulary words for me?
-10,000 known or suspested gang members.
Advising law markers.
Will not be tolerited.
Distribution of urgenshy.
-[ Sighs ] I feel as though I've thrown
15 years of learning out the window.
[ As Trump ] What's a window?
Oh, you mean the glassy square hole?
Anyway, don't worry, teach,
my intuition tells me my dad is going to buy my way into Pennis.
[ Normal voice ] It's not Pennis. It's Penn!
[ As Trump ] [ Chuckles ] You said "pennis."
[ Normal voice ] And now, the same president who ignored
repeated warnings from medical experts
and intelligence officials about the crisis,
then instead just went with his intuition,
is once again telling people he's going to decide
to reopen the economy soon based on his instincts.
Over the weekend, he called into his favorite Fox News shout fest
with Jeanine Pirro to discuss his thinking
for when to reopen the economy,
something he can't even do on his own.
-I know you said that the decision that you'll make,
uh, regarding reopening the country
is probably the hardest decision, uh,
that you've ever been called to make.
Uh, when you make that decision,
I mean, where do you go within you?
What is it that you dig deep for to come up with a decision,
aside from all of the people surrounding you?
-Well, Jeanine, I think it's going to be
the toughest decision that I've ever made,
and I'll be basing it on a lot of --
a lot of very smart people, a lot of professionals,
doctors, and, uh, business leaders.
There are a lot of things that go into a decision like that.
And, uh, it's going to be, uh --
It's going to be based on a lot of facts
and a lot of instinct, also.
Whether we like it or not, there is a certain instinct to it.
-There's instinct involved?
Are you making a political decision,
or are you a swallow returning to Capistrano?
Dennis Miller joke.
And I hope you'll pardon me
if I don't have a ton of faith in your instincts.
One of your instincts was to put your photo
on Trump bottled water.
Ah, what could be more refreshing
than being leered at by a business husk?
Oh, that's piss.
I just drank piss.
You don't need instinct.
You have access to more information
than anyone on Earth and you're talking about
a global pandemic like you're The Pickup Artist.
You're supposed to be the president, not a mystery.
Also stop making it sound like a big reality show finale.
[ As Trump ] I'll be making a decision,
and it will be a big decision.
And I'll be deciding whether to give the final rose
to the Dow Jones or Dr. Fauci.
Fauci. Hey, Fauci.
Fauci.
Fauci, you want to hear a secret?
Fauci.
Listen up, Fauci, Fauci.
I'm not going to give you the rose.
Got you to touch your face, Fauci.
[ Normal voice ] Also, Jeanine, what kind of question is this?
-Where do you go within you?
What is it that you dig deep for to come up with a decision?
-Where do you go within you?
There is no deep within him.
He's so shallow, he barely exists in the third dimension.
If you dumped a teaspoon of water in a kiddie pool,
it would be deeper than Trump. There is nothing inside.
He's as hollow as a chocolate Easter bunny.
He's everyone in "The Wizard of Oz"
in one package. [ As Trump ] What do I want?
Brain, heart, courage. You name it.
Who am I? You can call me Tin-Crow-Lion."
♪ I'd be President forever ♪
♪ So handsome and so clever if I only had ♪
♪ A heart, brain, courage, moral code,
single iota of humanity suit that fiiiiiiit ♪
[ Normal voice ] So Trump thinks he deserves congratulations
for his handling of a pandemic
that's left 17 million unemployed in three weeks
and tens of thousands dead.
And yet he can't even manage to coherently regurgitate
basic scientific facts like this bizarre explanation
of how antibiotic-resistant germs work.
-This is a very brilliant enemy.
You know, it's a brilliant enemy.
They develop drugs like the antibiotics.
You see it -- antibiotics used to solve every problem.
Now one of the biggest problems the world has
is the germ has gotten so brilliant
that the antibiotic can't keep up with it.
And they're constantly trying to come up with a new --
There's whole genius to it.
We're fighting -- not only is it hidden,
but it's very smart, okay?
It's invisible and it's hidden, but it's -- it's very smart.
-Antibiotics work on bacteria.
Coronavirus, and there's a hint right in the name,
is a virus.
You can't use antibiotics on a virus,
no matter what your doctor told you in his airbrushed van.
Seriously, Trump is like a fifth grader
who forgot he had to make something for the science fair.
You pour the vinegar into the volcano,
and then the baking soda.
You know what I'm talking about. There's a whole genius to it.
I don't think I need to explain. Just look at the poster.
I had the butler make it.
So in the middle of a deadly pandemic
that's cratering the economy
because the president ignored repeated warnings,
he's demanding praise from governors and the media.
But Trump is the not only one.
His obedient allies on state TV
have also been exhorting people to shower Trump with praise.
-And by the way, maybe it's time to once in a while say,
"I want to thank the president, his task force,
and the Vice President for knocking down every door
and giving us everything we're asking for."
-My God, is Hannity auditioning for a spot
on North Korean state TV?
Even Kim Jong-un would be like, "Dude, bring it down a notch."
Seriously, Sean, play it cool.
I know you want to be best friends with Trump,
but you're coming on way too strong.
You can always tell when an adult man
hasn't had other male friends in a while
because when they finally meet a potential new friend,
they just don't know how to handle it.
"Oh, man, Donald, we have so much in common.
You want to come over and barbecue, watch sports,
drink beer, talk cars, rate girls and stuff?
I got a baseball signed by Mickey Mantle!
You gotta check it -- You gotta see it!
The Mick!"
But Sean Hannity understands
that you have to consistently shower Trump with compliments
or you'll fall out of his good graces.
On Sunday, for example, when Fox host Chris Wallace
asked a medical expert whether Trump's late start
to confronting the virus cost lives,
Trump lashed out at him with a tweet saying,
"What the hell is happening to Fox News?
It's a whole new ball game over there."
After everything Fox News has done for Trump,
he still complains about them.
The only news show he wouldn't criticize
would be a topless woman who reads his tweets without comment
and then fakes an orgasm.
[ As Trump ] Boob News continues to be
the only fair network out there.
A lot of good work being done at BN."
[ Normal voice ] To stay in Trump's inner circle,
you have to praise him without exception,
which is something Trump's unwatered Chia Pet Rudy Giuliani
understands better than most.
Rudy actually offered some advice recently
to governors and local officials who had been feuding with Trump
over the fact that Trump has refused to supply them
with adequate equipment, including ventilators
and protective gear for healthcare workers.
-A little advice for the governors and the mayors.
Take the blame when you have to.
You know, if you play with your boss,
sometimes it's better if you don't win the golf game.
Uh, he's the boss. He's got all the resources.
-Great. Thousands are dead,
and Rudy's saying, "Think of it like a golf game."
And, no, he doesn't have all the resources.
We have all the resources.
They're ours, you outer borough gargoyle.
We shouldn't have to be nice to the president
to get him to give us lifesaving equipment.
Besides, you don't have to try very hard to lose to a guy
who cheats like Trump does.
I had a four on that one. What about you, boss?
[ As Trump ] I had a one. Wait. Maybe a two.
No, it was a one.
[ Normal voice ] Trump's already been impeached once.
And now we're finding out that he ignored
repeated warnings from intelligence officials
and medical experts about a deadly pandemic
that's killed tens of thousands and left millions unemployed.
Looks like we'll have to find a way through this nightmare
without presidential leadership...
-Whether we like it or not. -This has been "A Closer Look."
Wait. Who -- Who let you out?!
Oh, not you, too!
They're loose! The boys are loose!
[ Children giggling ]
This has been "A Closer" -- [ Chuckles ]
Oh, are you going back? This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
-City Harvest is New York City's largest
food rescue organization,
and now they're working hard to support local families
who are out of work due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
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Stay safe. Wash your hands. We love you.