WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
MAN, IT IS GOOD TO BE BACK IN THE U.S.A.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNEW THIS,
BUT I WAS IN RUSSIA LAST WEEK.
YOU KNOW WHO DID KNOW I WAS IN RUSSIA?
RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE.
(LAUGHTER) HARD-CORE FANS, EVIDENTLY,
FOLLOWED ME EVERYWHERE.
ALSO GOT SOME ATTENTION FROM AMERICAN INTELLIGENCE.
A COUPLE GUYS SEEMED TO POP UP WHEREVER WE WENT.
YOU KNOW, BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO KEEP YOUR EYE ON A COMEDIAN
WHILE HE IS IN RUSSIA, YOU KNOW, DOING JOKES, YOU KNOW, I COULD
BE OVER THERE, I COULD BE GIVING STATE SECRETS TO THE RUSSIANS.
OH WAIT, SOMEBODY'S ALREADY GOT THAT COVERED.
MY APOLOGIES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: SOMEBODY'S WATCHING THAT GUY, SOMEONE
SHOULD INVESTIGATE-- ANYWAY, WE JUST GOT BACK LAST NIGHT, THIS
IS TRUE, SO I'M STILL ON MOSCOW TIME.
AND WE SHOOT THIS SHOW SIX HOURS BEFORE BROADCAST.
AND MOSCOW IS SEVEN HOURS AHEAD, WHICH MEANS MY BODY IS ONE HOUR
LATER, WHICH I THINK MAKES ME JAMES CORDEN RIGHT NOW.
(LAUGHTER) ANYWAY--
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT BAD, THAT'S FUN, THAT SOUNDS FUN,
DRIVE AROUND, SINGING SOME SONG.
THAT WOULD BE NICE.
ANYWAY, WE SHOT FOR DAYS.
HOW MANY, WE SHOT LIKE 13 HOUR DAYS.
WE SHOT LIKE FOUR OR FIVE PIECES.
FOR THE MOST, THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE, THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE WERE
LOVELY, IN THE MOST INCREDIBLE LOCATIONS,ED AN WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE A WHOLE WEEK OF THAT COMING UP.
I WILL SHOW YOU A LITTLE OF MY TRIP LATER IN THE SHOW.
BUT WHILE RUSSIA WAS FASCINATING, IT IS SINCERELY
WONDERFUL TO BE BACK IN AMERICA.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL, YEAH.
AMERICA.
THE FRIEND LEE CONFINES, AS WE CALL IT.
AND LET'S SEE WHAT EVERYBODY IS TALKING ABOUT HERE, OH, THAT'S
RIGHT, RUSSIA.
THERE IS MORE ELECTION HACKING NEWS.
ACCORDING TO THE WASH UPON-- WASHTON POST, BARACK
OBAMA KNEW ABOUT THE PLOT LAST SUGGEST AND THAT IT WAS BASED ON
PUTIN'S SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS TO DEFEAT OR AT LEAST DAMAGE THE
DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE, HILLARY CLINTON, AND HELP LECH HER
OPPONENT DONALD TRUMP.
AND PUTIN WAS SUCCESSFUL.
THE ONLY PERSON WHO DID MORE DAMAGE TO HILLARY CLINTON'S
CAMPAIGN WAS HILLARY CLINTON.
NOW REPORTEDLY, REPORTEDLY OBAMA AGONIZED OVER WHAT TO DO.
HE EVEN AUTHORIZED THE PLANTING OF CYBERWEAPONS, THE DIGITAL
EQUIVALENT OF BOMBS, THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF BOMBS, I THINK,
I'M NOT SURE.
I THINK THAT MEANS THEY WERE PLAYING MINESWEEPER.
RIGHT?
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HOW YOU FRAME, YOU GOT TO HACK INTO THE
SYSTEM.
>> Stephen: AT ONE POINT OBAMA PERSONALLY WARNED PUTIN THAT WE
KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING AND HE HAD BETTER STOP OR ELSE, YEAH.
OR ELSE!
ADDING I WILL TURN THIS GLOBAL ECONOMY AROUND, MISTER.
DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE!
BUT IN THE END, OBAMA DID FOG BEFORE THE ELECTION, AND
AFTERWARDS ONLY IMPOSED SANCTIONS, BUT EVEN THOSE WHO
HELPED DESIGN THEM SAY WERE LARGELY SYMBOLIC.
YEAH, JUST SYMBOLS.
HE SENT THIS TEXT.
YOU HACKED OUR ELECTION, FROWNY FACE.
NOW A HUGE EGGPLANT IS PRESIDENT.
OF COURSE-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Jon: THEY'RE SYMBOLIC.
>> Stephen: JUST SYMBOLIC.
SYMBOLIC.
OF COURSE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS A WELL-KNOWN RUSSIA HACKED THE
ELECTION DENIER.
REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID IN DECEMBER.
>> ACCORDING TO "THE WASHINGTON POST," THE CIA HAS CONCLUDED
THAT RUSSIA INTERVENED IN THE ELECTION TO HELP YOU WIN THE
PRESIDENCY.
YOUR REACTION.
>> I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS.
I THINK IT'S JUST ANOTHER EXCUSE.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT, NO, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT AT ALL.
>> Stephen: YES, HE SAW "THE WASHINGTON POST," BUT HE DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN THE HACKING.
SO NATURALLY WHEN HE SAW THIS "WASHINGTON POST" STORY HIS
REACTION WAS COMPLETELY CONSISTENT WITH ALL HIS PREVIOUS
STATEMENTS.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
PLAF (LAUGHTER)
HE TWEETED, JUST OUT, THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION KNEW FAR IN
ADVANCE OF NOAFER 8th ABOUT ELECTION MEDDLING BY RUSSIA.
DID NOTHING ABOUT IT.
WHY?
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT, THERE WAS NO RUSSIAN HACKING, PERIOD, FAKE
NEWS.
WAIT, IT WAS OBAMA'S FAULT.
RUSSIA STOLE OUR ELECTION AND OBAMA LET IT HAPPEN.
THANKS, OBAMA.
NO, SERIOUSLY, THANKS OBAMA, I'M PRESIDENT NOW, THANKS.
AND THE TWEET STORM DID NOT END THERE.
SINCE THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION WAS TOLD WAY BEFORE THE 2016
ELECTION THAT THE RUSSIANS WERE MEDDLING, WHY NO ACTION?
FOCUS ON THEM, NOT T.
WAIT, WAIT, WHAT?
(LAUGHTER) T TIME, WAIT, WHO, WHO THE HELL
IS T.
WHO IS T.
YOU KNOW THERE IS ALREADY A LETTER FOR WHEN ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT YOURSELF, IT'S "I."
AS IN I DON'T BELIEVE ANYONE CALLS YOU T.
YOU CAN'T GIVE YOURSELF A NICKNAME.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> HE SHOULD HAVE WENT WITH A D.
>> Stephen: AND PREZ T IS TAKING HIS NEW IDENTITY VERY
SERIOUSLY.
CHECK OUT HIS NEW OFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL PHOTO.
VERY NICE.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Jon: I PITY THE 23508.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, I PITY THE FOOL.
AND TRUMP SAYING-- OH, IT'S NOT JUST THE-- TRAVEL THAT IS
EXHAUSTING ME RIGHT NOW.
AND TRUMP SAYING WE SHOULD INVESTIGATE THE OBAMA
ADMINISTRATION AND HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID.
>> THE REASON THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA DID NOTHING ABOUT RUSSIA
AFTER BEING NOTIFIED BY THE CIA OF MEDDLING IS THAT HE EXPECTED
CLINTON WOULD WIN DOT DOT, DOT DOT DOT, AND DID NOT WANT TO
ROCK THE BOAT.
HE DIDN'T CHOKE, HE COLLUDED OR OBSTRUCTED, AND IT DID THE DEMS
AND CROOKED HILLARY NO GOOD.
HOLD ON.
NOBODY IS ACCUSING OBAMA OF COLLUDING OR OBSTRUCTING.
THAT'S YOUR DEAL, OKAY.
OKAY?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU CAN'T ACCUSE HIM OF YOUR
THING.
OKAY?
THAT WOULD BE LIKE SOMEONE ACCUSING YOU OF INSPIRING HOPE.
IT JUST DOESN'T FIT.
ALL RIGHT.
HE ALSO-- IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.
IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.
IT WOULD NOT BE RIGHT.
>> THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
>> HE ALSO TWEETED, THE REAL STORY IS THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA
DID NOTHING AFTER BEING INFORMED IN AUGUST ABOUT RUSSIAN MEDDLING
WITH FOUR MONTHS LOOKING AT RUSSIA DOT DOT DOT, DOT DOT,
UNDER A MAGNIFYING DPLAS.
THEY HAVE ZERO TAPES OF T PEOPLE COLLUDING.
THERE IS NO COLLUSION AND NO ON STLUKS.
I SHOULD BE GIVEN APOLOGIES.
YOU KNOW WHAT-- NO NO, NO NO, LOOK, I'M A BIG ENOUGH MAN TO
APOLOGIZE.
AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR THE MAJORITY AMERICANS WHEN I SAY
I'M SORRY YOU'RE PRESIDENT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BUT-- IT IS GOOD TO BE HOME.