-I love "Game of Thrones." What I love even more
is reading my friend Leslie Jones live tweet it
as it airs.
I'm with Leslie now.
She was too sick to live tweet it on Sunday.
I haven't seen the episode yet.
We're gonna watch it together now.
-Yes! -This is episode two
of "Game of Jones."
-Whoo! [ Light laughter ]
-Okay, you know you got to watch the beginning
'cause you know they got Casterly Rock
up in the beginning.
-I wouldn't have even known that if you hadn't pointed it out.
-Yeah, but you -- you got to notice that.
They're doing all the kingdoms, man.
-You are watching the show on another level than I'm watching.
-Because I am "Game of Thrones," homey.
-When it comes to "Game of Thrones,"
this is where you are the most like a young,
nerdy, white 12-year-old.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, yeah, here we go, baby! -"Thrones."
How do you feel about Jamie Lannister these days?
-Man, I feel like he a one-arm bandit right now.
That's what I feel like, Mr. Goldfinger.
Yo, but this is gangster right here.
-Bronn? -Bronn is the gangster, yo.
Bronn is the dude that, like, in the hood
that knows where all of the $1 cigarettes is,
you know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
-It's not a castle.
-How about that one?
-Where would Queen Leslie want her castle?
Oh, Compton. [ Light laughter ]
That's the only way to have a castle, is in Compton.
-Would you give it a fancy name?
You couldn't just call it Compton Castle.
What would you call it?
-I literally would call it the Compton Castle.
That is exactly what I would call it.
[ Laughter ]
-I would have stopped that dagger with my own heart.
-I feel like we talked about this last time.
You would not have romanced with Littlefinger.
-I didn't say that. I do believe that I said
I still would do it with Littlefinger, but --
-Okay. I would just have to watch him
the whole time. [ Light laughter ]
-With the lights on? -Yeah, I couldn't have
my eyes closed in passion.
It'd have to be open the whole time, like --
And Bran, they need to really just get a blood test on him
because I just think he high. [ Light laughter ]
-I almost died for you.
-That's the look that every man gives me
when I'm standing there in front of them going, "Why?!
Why you can't text me back?"
-They give you Bran face? -They give me Bran face.
Give me Bran face like, "I'm the three-eyed raven."
[ Light laughter ] -That's why he didn't text?
So you've dated multiple three-eyed ravens.
-All of them was three-eyed ravens.
I think one of them was a crow, though.
Yeah!
This is what I'm talking about, baby!
Yeah! -What?
What's this reaction?
-Oh, yes, baby! -Oh, I see.
-Arya! -Arya.
-Arya is a warrior.
-She's coming home. -She's coming home, baby.
They all together, homey.
-Is this gonna be emotionally rewarding?
-It's gonna be emotionally rewarding,
but I just have to say,
this is definitely not a black family.
[ Light laughter ]
-Wait, what's the difference?
-Okay, first of all, Bran's home.
Arya's home.
Nobody wants to make no macaroni and cheese?
I'm saying nobody wants to get together
and have some chicken and ribs and stuff.
Littlefinger can't get no hamburger buns,
you know what I'm saying?
Come on, this a reunion! -[ Laughing ] Yeah, I guess.
-As soon as the family come in, you have --
♪ Family reunion ♪
♪ It's a family reunion ♪
See, they supposed to be rolling in there.
They supposed to have, like, a deejay.
They're supposed to have, like, some bench tables set up.
People are supposed to be, you know, "Hey, Sansa!
And, Arya, Bran is home!"
-You shouldn't have run from the guards.
-I didn't run.
You need better guards.
-And, too, they acting like they don't know each other
because, like, sisters, I'd be like, "Girl!
And then what happened with the Bolton boy.
I mean, I'm telling you, he raped me every day!
He raped me every day!"
-They're playing it too close to the chest for sisters.
-"Let me tell you, let me tell you,
I'd have no face!" [ Laughter ]
Man, Bran. See, he high.
[ Laughter ] Always out here by the tree,
he spaced out. What is you smoking, Bran?
Look, now, let me just say this. I'm not saying
that black people have been right all the time,
but check this out.
-They fought together against their common enemy.
-Blue-eyed devils. [ Light laughter ]
Those was white folks!
It's white folks that came out the cave and they took over!
[ Light laughter ]
-That's -- do you think that's what the White Walkers are?
[ Light laughter ]
-Blue-eyed devils!
Farrakhan was right. [ Light laughter ]
-No, this is not about Farrakhan.
-We took Casterly Rock.
-Look at that coat that Varys got on.
Where do you stand on Varys?
-Varys is like the girlfriend that you don't know
if she's really your home girl or not.
Because, one minute, she's supporting you
and got your back, but then, the next minute,
you hear about some bull[bleep]
she said to somebody else about you.
But just like she did him, she needs to let him know that,
"Yo, if you ain't liking what I'm doing,
then you need to come and tell me like a real boss.
Don't be going behind my back conspiring and [bleep]
because I'm going to burn your ass."
-So that's what you would say? -[ Screaming ]
Varys! [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Are you kidding me?
That is Lord Varys, dude.
Oh, my God!
[ Screaming ]
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God!
-Varys is going to join us.
-Oh, my God! This is so cool!
-Yes! What were you saying about me?
-I was saying that you can't trust your ass,
but you know [bleep] that you're not telling anybody.
Like, you know about the Red Witch.
You didn't tell them about the Red Witch.
-I told Tyrion. -Oh, my God!
You did not tell Daenerys. [ Light laughter ]
-I did. -Daenerys need to know that.
-I told her I didn't trust her and she went,
"I am in a forgiving mood." You'd just forgive her, too.
-Okay, Varys. I see you talking yourself out of this.
-Now, you haven't seen this episode either.
-No. -You haven't?
-No, I couldn't -- -But you was there!
-Yeah, but I can't remember.
That's years ago, and I'm on the same stuff as Bran.
[ Laughter ] -Yes, Bran is high!
-Theron, Theron is a coward. -Yeah.
-Theron is a coward.
-He's alive.
-He only alive 'cause he's a coward.
I don't care if you ain't got no [bleep]
You did wrong!
-He saved Sansa. -Sansa saved herself.
-No, she didn't. -She did!
Varys, don't be coming here trying to take up with Theron.
-All eunuchs stick together.
-[ Laughing ] That's true. You have to.
-Oh, he's a Eunuch now because he ain't got no thing.
[ Laughter ] Look at Theron.
Take his ass out. -Theon.
-Theron! -Theon, not Theron.
-Theron! -It's not Da-Do-Ron-Ron.
-It's Theron! [ Laughter ]
-They gave him the "R" when they took his penis.
-Exactly!
-The Queen is gone.
-Where'd she go? I missed it.
-Where did she go?
Exactly. There's where she went.
-Oh, here we go. -Oh, okay.
-This is what you've been waiting for!
-Okay. -G.O.T.
-The time for talk is over. -G.O.T. don't let you down.
G.O.T. don't let you down, son!
-Didn't expect it to smell like that.
-Men [bleep] themselves when they die.
-Really? Is that true?
They [bleep] themselves?
-Well, all of your muscles would let go,
so whatever you're holding would just -- pbht.
-I will not [bleep] myself.
I will [bleep] before I die. [Bleep]
[ Laughter ] I will [bleep] before I die,
that's for sure.
Ain't nobody going to find no [bleep] on me.
-You won't care. -I will care!
I will come back as a ghost and be like,
"Somebody clean that [bleep] up!"
[ Laughter ]
-[ Screaming ]
-We can hold them off.
-No, you can't, because let me explain
why you can't hold them off.
[ Roaring ]
[ Imitates dragon ]
[ Applause ]
♪ Here come the dragon ♪
Yeah, baby!
[ Imitates dragon ]
[ Laughter ] Look!
Man, if I could ride a dragon.
Dracarys!
[ Screaming ]
[ Roars ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yes, baby!
[ Roars ] [ Laughter ]
Burn it up! Burn it up! Burn it up!
Look, the horses is even like, "I'm getting
the [bleep] out of here, man!"
[ Laughter ] That's a damn dragon!
That's a damn dragon!
Oh, damn. And you know it.
You know Cersei ass going come up with a damn dragon gun.
-Where are you?
-And then, when did he get the training for this?
That's what I want to know.
Where do you get the training to run the dragon machine?
I don't even remember you in the class, son!
[ Screeching ]
Whoa! -No, no, no, no!
-No! Ow, right in the kisser! -Aww.
♪♪
-That's a dragon, stupid!
[ Laughter ]
[ Roaring ]
Who is the one that saved him, though?
Was it Bronn? -Bronn?
-I just [bleep] myself.
[ Laughter ]
-Varys, that's okay if you don't have a penis.
I still love you. -Bless you.
-But I need to know what side you're on,
so you need to make that a little clearer
in the next episodes. Thanks.
-What side I'm on? -Yes!
-Who am I with? -You are with Daenerys,
but I don't know if you like Daenerys.
-These two are going to work this out.
-You don't, you be saying --
-This has been "Game of Jones."
-You be saying stuff like -- "I don't know, I don't know."
I just really feel like there's gonna be some kind of part
where you gonna get mad and do something behind her back
and I just don't really appreciate it because --
[ Cheers and applause ]